my revelation
See I have been thinking about my current situation and I have realized that it has been all self imposed. I have had a hard life even in my early years. When i was 6 or 7 my upper lip was taken way from me. It was bitten off by a dog. I had 55 stitches and after 3 surgury's I have a lip that looks almost normal and nobody can notice except me of course. But moving on my dad after that accident was never the same although I know it isnt my fault but he turned into an alcoholic. He made me his verbal whipping post and somewhere around there I turned myself off. I quit speaking and I hardly lived. I hated myself but i couldnt turn myself completely off annd my parents took me to a shrink. Where he made me function again like a normal person but I still im not right. I didnt have any friends for years till the last year or so of middle school where my old friend saunders and me became friends again and I started to become friends with kaji. Yet I didnt remember what it was like to be social. So on wards to 9th grade and the beginning of my self hatred. I joined the marching band and I kept to myself yet even in doing so everyone there was interested in me and kept talking to me and I thought that they where just fucking with me and trying to get me to react so they could bring me down with making fun of me. So I shunned them and told them to leave me alone and yet inside I was screaming for them to notice that I wanted them to talk to me and be my friend. Yet when I realized that they where cool with me it was me senoir year and half of them didnt care what I did anymore and actually hated me. But enough of that lets move on to how I made my best 2 friends I could have. The funny thing is that I didnt even meet them myself I meet them though saunders when he asked me to go play a game at his brother&laws house. I was like why not and when I got there they where all ready there and I was super nervous. Yet I talked to them and had fun with them and we became friends if it was not for kyle and babel I dont know if I would have made it as far as I have. I also added tom and john to the mix as well as kaji. At the end of high school I was actually happy for awhile yet I knew I was missing something. Yet of course I realized it way to late cuz I locked away the emotions of what i was missing years before. I went to college in a town I never even visited before. I thought it would be good for me and it was but it was also painfull. I joined the marching band there and it was tough but everyone there liked me and all excepted me for what I am. So of course I shut them out at first. But they wore on me and I finally started to let them in and become friends with them. That is when I met the girl that opened up what I had locked away. Her name was emily. From the first day I layed eyes on her I knew I liked her. So I talked to her figuring maybe she would be my friend. Which we became but soon after I realized that there was something else I wanted and that was for her to like me as much as I liked her. But I was afraid of this feeling because I didnt really know what it meant or what to do about it so I locked it way also. I always saw myself worthless so I figured she did too so I did nothing expecially because I am a ugly fat man and she was beautiful. So I backed away from it and tried something else but it eventually got to me. I thought about her all the time and everytime we talked I shook. I didnt know why I did it, it was madening to me. But yet I couldnt ask her out for one Im quite ugly and two even if I did I wouldnt know what to do so I just ignored it the best I could. But then on new years in Florida she kissed me on the beach when it turned 12mid. and thats what opened the doors of my heart. Thats when I understood what I was feeling but out of hate for myself I couldnt ask her or admit to myself that I wanted to. Many things happened since that night but I chose a week before I was leaving to tell her what I felt because I know what she would say to me. I knew all along what she would say thats why I waited for then so I couldnt blame her. I came home and shut myself away into the dark corners of my brain. Yet I came out again cuz off my friends. But when it comes down to everything that I have done to protect myself hurt me more. I hate myself because of it and Im lonely because of it. I cant let myself love me let alone anyone else. So I gained more weight and I closed myself off went to school met new people and tried to make friends but I couldnt. So I ended up almost screwing everything thing up again. Now Im back at it again and I can see Im doing it again. Yet now that I look at it I see that all my pain has been caused by me. My self hatred keeps me fat and it keeps me alone and it also keeps me away from doing good in school. I wished someone could say to me that they care for what I do or care about me. I want someone to see who I am behind the mask I wear. Yet I know that no one will unless I let them so this is the revalation I had tonight watching a movie by myself. If I want people to see me for who I see then I have to show them. It is about time I have so from today on Im going to work towards my goal. I just wished I could of done this earlier so I could have got the one that meant the most to me but hell Im not going to give up now or ever it is about time I changed for real. So here it goes so wish me luck Im going to need it.