Fourth Of July
I'm pretty sure I should see a psychologist. Or just a doctor. I'm way to young to be feeling this old. I didn't even want to go see fireworks tonight...:-( 24 years old, just didn't feel like going out for an event that only happens once a year...? I could be depressed but I don't really feel unhappy, most of my moods are just anger. I have a lot of anger in me for no real reason. I lash out at people and its only after the damage is done do I see the error in it.
I wanted to take a class on Controlling your emotions and staying calm under pressure. It's just that my job takes a lot out of me. I am way to nice. I go above and beyond and don't see that dedication from anyone in return. Anna is my saving grace, she will call me and ask me questions so that she can do the work herself, not call me and tell me that shes leaving a laundry list of stuff for me to take care of tomorrow. I supposed Sunil is pretty good as well. I like him, but he puts up with stuff he really shouldn't and it's the only thing that really holds him back. For instance, he fired teammate A for being late, the TM had been irresponsible. But when other TM's are late nothing is done.
We as managers are coached to not walk by 'the standard' But when we tell them TM's to put there cellphones away they practically laugh in our faces. BUT Anna and Scott Little are leading by example, they leave there cellphones in the office or in their car. NOW Scott's cell phone was stolen from the office. HA see, even when we try to do right the TM's manage to make it impossible.
I'm tired of my life solely being about my job. But with the lame ass friends I have what else am I supposed to do? Roger and Chris are never around, even when they say they are they either don't answer or come up with an excuse. Jason lives a life completely different that I just don't fit into. Lauren has always chosen her Boyfriends over me. Serena is really the only consistent friend I have but we mostly go and spend money, I'm not trying to live with my parents forever, so that's the only issue with our relationship, Shes kind of high maintenance. Its the same things that drive me nuts about her. "i'm hungry" ok well what do you want?' "I don't know" "well i'll go and sit with you because I'm not hungry" "what do you want to eat?" "I'm not hungry" "Well you pick where we go" "Naming every restaurant in the tri-state area" "No, no, no, no, nein, niet, no, no, *Gun shots heard from other end of phone*"
I could hang out with Filomena but we just end up talking about work because she's in the same boat I am, lame friends, too much devotion to her job, blah blah. I'm at the "Eat, Pray, Love" point in my life but I have no energy to change anything. I am not a person of Faith. I believe that there is something out there looking out for us but I am not convinced it can be understood on our terms. No jesus son of god sent here to die for our sins. WHY WOULD GOD FORGIVE US FOR KILLING HIS SON!! We gave in, we failed the test, "he's all loving' BUT HE HATES GAY PEOPLE! It doesn't make any sense. If god forgives your sins he forgives your sins end of story, none of this 'he forgives your sins he loves everyone... except the following:"
I keep having nightmares. Had a dream my mother was having a seizure and we waited an hour for the ambulance before I decided to do anything other than wait. {kind of like you're waiting until its too late to do anything about your life} Just terrifying nightmares that I can't remember when I wake up. I just wake up feeling frightened and uneasy.
Sal is going through some shit. I can't begin to imagine where his heads at. I can't do anything to help him because he doesn't want to do anything to help himself.
The funny thing about this is that today was a good day. Slept until 9, watched some TV, showered and went to John & Liz Hennesy's for a BBQ, Yummy food, went in the pool for a bit, came home, watched more TV, and then I just didn't want to go see fireworks. I didn't do a lot. Didn't exhaust myself. So I started thinking, as I often do, just a bit too much.
I believe in the simple power of the printed word.
I wanted to take a class on Controlling your emotions and staying calm under pressure. It's just that my job takes a lot out of me. I am way to nice. I go above and beyond and don't see that dedication from anyone in return. Anna is my saving grace, she will call me and ask me questions so that she can do the work herself, not call me and tell me that shes leaving a laundry list of stuff for me to take care of tomorrow. I supposed Sunil is pretty good as well. I like him, but he puts up with stuff he really shouldn't and it's the only thing that really holds him back. For instance, he fired teammate A for being late, the TM had been irresponsible. But when other TM's are late nothing is done.
We as managers are coached to not walk by 'the standard' But when we tell them TM's to put there cellphones away they practically laugh in our faces. BUT Anna and Scott Little are leading by example, they leave there cellphones in the office or in their car. NOW Scott's cell phone was stolen from the office. HA see, even when we try to do right the TM's manage to make it impossible.
I'm tired of my life solely being about my job. But with the lame ass friends I have what else am I supposed to do? Roger and Chris are never around, even when they say they are they either don't answer or come up with an excuse. Jason lives a life completely different that I just don't fit into. Lauren has always chosen her Boyfriends over me. Serena is really the only consistent friend I have but we mostly go and spend money, I'm not trying to live with my parents forever, so that's the only issue with our relationship, Shes kind of high maintenance. Its the same things that drive me nuts about her. "i'm hungry" ok well what do you want?' "I don't know" "well i'll go and sit with you because I'm not hungry" "what do you want to eat?" "I'm not hungry" "Well you pick where we go" "Naming every restaurant in the tri-state area" "No, no, no, no, nein, niet, no, no, *Gun shots heard from other end of phone*"
I could hang out with Filomena but we just end up talking about work because she's in the same boat I am, lame friends, too much devotion to her job, blah blah. I'm at the "Eat, Pray, Love" point in my life but I have no energy to change anything. I am not a person of Faith. I believe that there is something out there looking out for us but I am not convinced it can be understood on our terms. No jesus son of god sent here to die for our sins. WHY WOULD GOD FORGIVE US FOR KILLING HIS SON!! We gave in, we failed the test, "he's all loving' BUT HE HATES GAY PEOPLE! It doesn't make any sense. If god forgives your sins he forgives your sins end of story, none of this 'he forgives your sins he loves everyone... except the following:"
I keep having nightmares. Had a dream my mother was having a seizure and we waited an hour for the ambulance before I decided to do anything other than wait. {kind of like you're waiting until its too late to do anything about your life} Just terrifying nightmares that I can't remember when I wake up. I just wake up feeling frightened and uneasy.
Sal is going through some shit. I can't begin to imagine where his heads at. I can't do anything to help him because he doesn't want to do anything to help himself.
The funny thing about this is that today was a good day. Slept until 9, watched some TV, showered and went to John & Liz Hennesy's for a BBQ, Yummy food, went in the pool for a bit, came home, watched more TV, and then I just didn't want to go see fireworks. I didn't do a lot. Didn't exhaust myself. So I started thinking, as I often do, just a bit too much.
I believe in the simple power of the printed word.