Leave it to me to live out a lie

[darkfire1]

The other day I shamelessly overdosed on OTC drugs that don't help me at all. When I finally got home and stumbled into my room, I could feel my heart beat at what felt like 4 times it's normal rate. As I lay there on my bed I wondered if that was finally it, if I would die after I fell asleep. I remember thinking the only reason I didn't want to

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[vitaminease]

Maybe I'm retarded, maybe I'm stupid. Did you post this to reach out? I dunno. For help? For insight. So we know how bad your pain is?

I read this and I was/am speechless. I have no idea the extent to your pain, and how you deal with your life as it is now. You've probably experienced pain I'll never endure, so I can never relate. So to say that you shouldn't kill yourself is selfish. I love you Daniel. You're my best friend. And for you to not share this fucked up world without me is a world I don't want to envision. But like I said, I don't know what your life is really like now. Of course I want you to live and be around, and call me dark chocolate. But who is to say that if I were in your position, that I wouldn't feel the same way that you do? If I were in your shoes and felt your pain, I may want to kill myself too. So me asking you to not kill yourself is meaningless. But I can say that Jim, Kyle, and I, all want you around. We love you.

I don't know what I'm getting at. But I just want you to know that I love you Daniel. You've been my friend for over 16 years, and I can't imagine a day without you as my friend.

[darkfire1]

No, it wasn't a cry for help. It really happened and upon reflection, I thought it was pretty sobering. I figured that in a journal that occasionally focuses on my life, this was about as honest as anything else. I made it private but I figured why bother? It's not something I'm ashamed of or care to hide. It's about as real as life gets.