Misplaced Anger
I don't hate Camrath... not anymore.
After talking with Tilyn and then Dave this afternoon, I've come to some startling conclusions and realizations.
I've had several people irl tell me how they never see me angry. That when I mention that I got mad, they just can't see it. I'm generally a calm and quiet person and occasionally a little hyper, but I almost never outwardly show my anger. The internet is an entirely different medium. I feel more free to express my emotions, sometimes this is beneficial, and sometimes its extremely detrimental.
One of the worst incidents I've ever had online, and this even beats a muck being stolen from me, was when Malik's reign as king on Sunrise was ripped away from me after only four days. He was to be Kivuli's first evil king for a change of pace on a slow muck, and all my plans and such had been approved by the wizzen. Camrath, out of his own jealousy and want to be king, pointed out the flaws in my plans and took it to the wizards. Since everything had been approved, I didn't feel I had anything to worry about... that I didn't really need to argue my case since I thought it was a no-brainer. He was just another idiot who was being stupid. Little did I know what was going to happen. I had wanted to be a king in Kivuli for so long. Ewali and I had been good friends and I'd RPed in that pride for a long time.. far longer than Camrath. I'd finally gotten my chance. I thought surely the staff, my friends, knew that I was a trustworthy person and that Camrath was just being unreasonable. They judged in his favor and ousted my king, promising that I could have another chance at taking over Kivuli if I could get enough followers.. and with the dwindling interest and playerbase, was a completely unrealistic stipulation. I was infuritated... but mostly heartbroken. Not a single person had come to my defense in the entire matter, none of my friends stood up for me. They were staff after all and couldn't be biased. But in the process of being unbiased, they seemed to me to be biased against me so that they didn't appear to be biased. Cause obviously.. if they had ruled in my favor, someone could have claimed they were. So I essentially got the short end of the stick for being friends with the staff. Trying to be fair led to a completely unfair situation.
Well anyway... this led to a long standing hatred of Camrath. A hatred that led to long rants, trying to vent my anger but most of all my intense hurt. I didn't feel like anyone understood my plight. I felt like I had been betrayed by all my friends. It wasn't until everything was said and done that many people started to say.. 'Oh... I was on your side' which led me to think... WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?! Why weren't you on my side then? In my rants, I was crying out for justice.. for attention, for some sort of sympathy and understanding. Sometimes I got it... but I wasn't satisfied... I couldn't let go of my feelings so I bashed Camrath senselessly with words behind his back. Not exactly the best moments in my life. It got to the point where my friends were getting sick of me, refusing to even listen to my rants and I nearly lost friendships over it. Were these people really my friends? Back then I certainly had to wonder. I don't think anyone ever realized how incredibly damaging this experience had been on me. There was some attempts at redemption on their parts, most of which didn't pan out. So my heart was still crying out for justice... although I left Sunrise for a long time partly because of my feelings and life and other interested.. blah blah.
I recently started poking around there again out of curiousity and seeing Arazia's art on DA. Just to see what was going on and I found out that one of Camrath's alts was to be one of the heirs of Tyne. I thought I was over it.. I thought I had 'matured' and moved on.. but that same anger welled up in me again. Why the hell should he have a chance when he ruined mine? How was that possibly fair? I knew nothing could be done about it, but I still felt like something SHOULD be done. I didn't want him to be king.. EVER. He didn't deserve it. I had tolg myself I didn't hate him, but I did all the same. I spoke to Tilyn and Audrey about it, both of whom got rather short with me over it. Why didn't they still not understand? Couldn't they see I was hurting? So I went to Dave, and he helped me realize some things.
Was I really angry at Camrath? Well yes, he had instigated the whole thing, but maybe he wasn't the real reason I was hurt. My friends had all ditched me that day. That's where all the real hurt and anger came from, or atleast most of it. I dumped all my anger, frustration and hurt over my friends onto him, blaming him for everything. That wasn't fair, and I realize that now. Not only do I need to forgive him, but everyone that had been involved. Everyone that had caused me hurt and pain. Yes it should be a dead subject, but the matter in my heart is not closed.. and I can't heal until it is.
No I'm not blaming anyone. I'm not even blaming myself. I was just too blind to understand my own emotions. Everyone makes mistakes... I do.. my friends do.. the stupid idiots out there do too. Yes the whole thing still leaves a mark.. I won't ever forget it... but perhaps I can now finally stop the hatred. I've cried a great deal over this... and I'm not an angry crier.. I cry when I'm truely and deeply hurt. Camrath didn't hurt me on that level. I was never close to him. That doesn't mean I -like- Camrath.. but maybe now I can give him a second chance. My friends aren't bad people either... there's one I'll never hold the same respect for ever again, but I can still call them my friends. They're all good people, and I cherish them, even if we rarely talk anymore. I don't want my own bitterness to get in the way of that.
I know I've said this a million times... but I'm sorry everyone. I wish I had just realized these things sooner.
After talking with Tilyn and then Dave this afternoon, I've come to some startling conclusions and realizations.
I've had several people irl tell me how they never see me angry. That when I mention that I got mad, they just can't see it. I'm generally a calm and quiet person and occasionally a little hyper, but I almost never outwardly show my anger. The internet is an entirely different medium. I feel more free to express my emotions, sometimes this is beneficial, and sometimes its extremely detrimental.
One of the worst incidents I've ever had online, and this even beats a muck being stolen from me, was when Malik's reign as king on Sunrise was ripped away from me after only four days. He was to be Kivuli's first evil king for a change of pace on a slow muck, and all my plans and such had been approved by the wizzen. Camrath, out of his own jealousy and want to be king, pointed out the flaws in my plans and took it to the wizards. Since everything had been approved, I didn't feel I had anything to worry about... that I didn't really need to argue my case since I thought it was a no-brainer. He was just another idiot who was being stupid. Little did I know what was going to happen. I had wanted to be a king in Kivuli for so long. Ewali and I had been good friends and I'd RPed in that pride for a long time.. far longer than Camrath. I'd finally gotten my chance. I thought surely the staff, my friends, knew that I was a trustworthy person and that Camrath was just being unreasonable. They judged in his favor and ousted my king, promising that I could have another chance at taking over Kivuli if I could get enough followers.. and with the dwindling interest and playerbase, was a completely unrealistic stipulation. I was infuritated... but mostly heartbroken. Not a single person had come to my defense in the entire matter, none of my friends stood up for me. They were staff after all and couldn't be biased. But in the process of being unbiased, they seemed to me to be biased against me so that they didn't appear to be biased. Cause obviously.. if they had ruled in my favor, someone could have claimed they were. So I essentially got the short end of the stick for being friends with the staff. Trying to be fair led to a completely unfair situation.
Well anyway... this led to a long standing hatred of Camrath. A hatred that led to long rants, trying to vent my anger but most of all my intense hurt. I didn't feel like anyone understood my plight. I felt like I had been betrayed by all my friends. It wasn't until everything was said and done that many people started to say.. 'Oh... I was on your side' which led me to think... WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?! Why weren't you on my side then? In my rants, I was crying out for justice.. for attention, for some sort of sympathy and understanding. Sometimes I got it... but I wasn't satisfied... I couldn't let go of my feelings so I bashed Camrath senselessly with words behind his back. Not exactly the best moments in my life. It got to the point where my friends were getting sick of me, refusing to even listen to my rants and I nearly lost friendships over it. Were these people really my friends? Back then I certainly had to wonder. I don't think anyone ever realized how incredibly damaging this experience had been on me. There was some attempts at redemption on their parts, most of which didn't pan out. So my heart was still crying out for justice... although I left Sunrise for a long time partly because of my feelings and life and other interested.. blah blah.
I recently started poking around there again out of curiousity and seeing Arazia's art on DA. Just to see what was going on and I found out that one of Camrath's alts was to be one of the heirs of Tyne. I thought I was over it.. I thought I had 'matured' and moved on.. but that same anger welled up in me again. Why the hell should he have a chance when he ruined mine? How was that possibly fair? I knew nothing could be done about it, but I still felt like something SHOULD be done. I didn't want him to be king.. EVER. He didn't deserve it. I had tolg myself I didn't hate him, but I did all the same. I spoke to Tilyn and Audrey about it, both of whom got rather short with me over it. Why didn't they still not understand? Couldn't they see I was hurting? So I went to Dave, and he helped me realize some things.
Was I really angry at Camrath? Well yes, he had instigated the whole thing, but maybe he wasn't the real reason I was hurt. My friends had all ditched me that day. That's where all the real hurt and anger came from, or atleast most of it. I dumped all my anger, frustration and hurt over my friends onto him, blaming him for everything. That wasn't fair, and I realize that now. Not only do I need to forgive him, but everyone that had been involved. Everyone that had caused me hurt and pain. Yes it should be a dead subject, but the matter in my heart is not closed.. and I can't heal until it is.
No I'm not blaming anyone. I'm not even blaming myself. I was just too blind to understand my own emotions. Everyone makes mistakes... I do.. my friends do.. the stupid idiots out there do too. Yes the whole thing still leaves a mark.. I won't ever forget it... but perhaps I can now finally stop the hatred. I've cried a great deal over this... and I'm not an angry crier.. I cry when I'm truely and deeply hurt. Camrath didn't hurt me on that level. I was never close to him. That doesn't mean I -like- Camrath.. but maybe now I can give him a second chance. My friends aren't bad people either... there's one I'll never hold the same respect for ever again, but I can still call them my friends. They're all good people, and I cherish them, even if we rarely talk anymore. I don't want my own bitterness to get in the way of that.
I know I've said this a million times... but I'm sorry everyone. I wish I had just realized these things sooner.