Dear Diary
Sometimes things that happed to me in the past get stuck in my head and I live them over and over again tormenting myself. Maybe it is because I haven't come to grips with things that happened. Maybe it is because I comb each detail wondering what I could have done wrong and what I could have done better.
Why can't I just come to grips with the fact that some people can just be downright malicious. Even if I love them that they can still hurt me?
I keep flashing today to this night where Legion was running one of his games. Bird was there along with the Kachina Doll. There were other people but I don't remember who. We were at Birds house. They all became cruel to me.
They mocked me. They mocked my character, they mocked the way I played, and they mocked me. Their characters became downright cruel to mine. I was insulted emotionally on every scale.
The thing is they did it for cruelty alone and no other reason. Save their own issues. Bird was jealous of my relationship with Legion and Kachina it seemed would do anything to impress Bird and Legion.
I smiled. I always smile when people are cruel. I don't want them to know that they are capable of hurting me. I don't want them to know they are damaging me. I think that it would give them too much satisfaction if they knew. If they hare hurting me, then they don't deserve to know. I will smile and pretend that I see their painful maneuvers as a joke.
I try not to let them know when I hurt inside.
But I do. But I fail. I let it show that night. I let my character in a moment of weakness show a bit of my pain. Why does it matter to me so much about what happens in a game? A stupid RPG game? Why did I keep caring? Why did I keep trying to make them care? Why did I tolerate such cruel hatred? I feel so stupid and weak, because I don't know what I could have done differently.
I play it over and over in my mind. I don't know what I could have done differently.