"Once upon a time is now.."
God only knows how much I adore my astral twin to bits and pieces. But.. sometimes I do wish she would just shut the fuck up. Let's see, despite the fact that she's not paying a dime for her entire education, she's going to fucking GERMANY for a semester (also for free), she has been among the more fortunate of us to "find herself" in California. In her life there. In the friends and the studies that she's been absorbed into. Well. Good for her.
Among others, Sarah has found autonomy at Madison. Julie within the lovin arms of the universe. Amanda is finding herself in the possibilities of running off to New Mexico to pursue her artistic genius. Dez has found herself in quitting the woods and running off to Louisville with her wife to become a muppet. And here I am. Static, it would seem, within the blur.
There are certain aspects of Saint Mary's that I love, and certain aspects of it that I have grown to despise. And the juxtaposition of such extreme emotions has balanced out in some unsteady mellow. A.. contentment. (of the worst sort)
Have I "found myself" at Saint Mary's? Absolutely not. I have found out things about myself, certainly. I have made quantum leaps in terms of my musical progress. Not quite to the point in which I'm actually confident in calling myself a musician, but.. getting there. I've changed my approach to art, thanks to the genius of Tom Swopes, though I haven't really produced anything I'd consider note-worthy this year. Thanks to a few friends, I've discovered the bizarre, symbiotic relationship I have with beings I would have once dismissed as products of my imagination. This all means something, without a doubt. I was happy, to an extent. I never had to pry myself out of bed because my spirits never found themselves to be that low that I simply couldn't convince myself to get out of bed.. but do I feel alive? I wouldn't say so. And isn't that.. at the end of the day, why we're here? I still feel as though I have nothing tangible to look forward to. As though I'm still waiting for SOMETHING to happen. My days there and mine here are characterized primarily by an unhealthy amount of "WHUTTHEFUCKAMIGONNADOWHENIGRADUATE???!!!???" stress. Financial stress. Confidence stress. Stress. Because I don't feel like I'm taking tangible steps towards being able to do anything. Other than perhaps, being some sort of accompanying cellist for wedding ensembles. Oh joy.
I still don't know whether or not I'll realize it to be within my best interests to leave the Woods. But I do know that I need to explore other possibilities. Not half-ass them.. really go out of my way and throw myself against the doors. If I choose to stay at the Woods, it must be a CHOICE. One made not out of merely 'settling' for something, or because I feel I have no other option.. a decision I can take responsibility for.
I chopped my hair off as a personal declaration of autonomy. A statement against no one but myself. Against the images, ideas, realities I've grown to passively accept as either never changing or... maybe they would one day...
looky:
As Emilie Autumn would say: "Once Upon a Time is Now." These changes will never just fall out of the sky. They must be fought for. To the death, or to their obtainment.
And what am I looking for? A valid question, certainly. One to which I can only provide the vague answers of self-actualization and fulfillment. Of finding opportunities and making concrete steps towards goals and dreams I have been self-consciously harboring and developing from that one day years and years ago in which i realized I was numb. Numbness, has proven itself to be, without a doubt, a face of misery. A slow, insidious misery--lethal due to its subtlety. I've waged war with this face for my entire life, it seems. I get close to feeling as though I've finally torn it's claws out of my heart, only to discover it burrowing itself back in, somewhere I clearly would not have expected it to.. and it devours.
One day I will kill this face in me. I've grown to be better at recognizing it in the fear that manifests in myself toward taking the steps I KNOW that I need to take.
This much I know is true: to accomplish that, I know I need to cut off every thread to my life here. Forever or only for a little while, I cannot claim to know. Dive into the deep end.
Because one day, I will throw myself into the ocean. And if I cannot manage even this--how then can I logically assume myself to manage you?
Among others, Sarah has found autonomy at Madison. Julie within the lovin arms of the universe. Amanda is finding herself in the possibilities of running off to New Mexico to pursue her artistic genius. Dez has found herself in quitting the woods and running off to Louisville with her wife to become a muppet. And here I am. Static, it would seem, within the blur.
There are certain aspects of Saint Mary's that I love, and certain aspects of it that I have grown to despise. And the juxtaposition of such extreme emotions has balanced out in some unsteady mellow. A.. contentment. (of the worst sort)
Have I "found myself" at Saint Mary's? Absolutely not. I have found out things about myself, certainly. I have made quantum leaps in terms of my musical progress. Not quite to the point in which I'm actually confident in calling myself a musician, but.. getting there. I've changed my approach to art, thanks to the genius of Tom Swopes, though I haven't really produced anything I'd consider note-worthy this year. Thanks to a few friends, I've discovered the bizarre, symbiotic relationship I have with beings I would have once dismissed as products of my imagination. This all means something, without a doubt. I was happy, to an extent. I never had to pry myself out of bed because my spirits never found themselves to be that low that I simply couldn't convince myself to get out of bed.. but do I feel alive? I wouldn't say so. And isn't that.. at the end of the day, why we're here? I still feel as though I have nothing tangible to look forward to. As though I'm still waiting for SOMETHING to happen. My days there and mine here are characterized primarily by an unhealthy amount of "WHUTTHEFUCKAMIGONNADOWHENIGRADUATE???!!!???" stress. Financial stress. Confidence stress. Stress. Because I don't feel like I'm taking tangible steps towards being able to do anything. Other than perhaps, being some sort of accompanying cellist for wedding ensembles. Oh joy.
I still don't know whether or not I'll realize it to be within my best interests to leave the Woods. But I do know that I need to explore other possibilities. Not half-ass them.. really go out of my way and throw myself against the doors. If I choose to stay at the Woods, it must be a CHOICE. One made not out of merely 'settling' for something, or because I feel I have no other option.. a decision I can take responsibility for.
I chopped my hair off as a personal declaration of autonomy. A statement against no one but myself. Against the images, ideas, realities I've grown to passively accept as either never changing or... maybe they would one day...
looky:
As Emilie Autumn would say: "Once Upon a Time is Now." These changes will never just fall out of the sky. They must be fought for. To the death, or to their obtainment.
And what am I looking for? A valid question, certainly. One to which I can only provide the vague answers of self-actualization and fulfillment. Of finding opportunities and making concrete steps towards goals and dreams I have been self-consciously harboring and developing from that one day years and years ago in which i realized I was numb. Numbness, has proven itself to be, without a doubt, a face of misery. A slow, insidious misery--lethal due to its subtlety. I've waged war with this face for my entire life, it seems. I get close to feeling as though I've finally torn it's claws out of my heart, only to discover it burrowing itself back in, somewhere I clearly would not have expected it to.. and it devours.
One day I will kill this face in me. I've grown to be better at recognizing it in the fear that manifests in myself toward taking the steps I KNOW that I need to take.
This much I know is true: to accomplish that, I know I need to cut off every thread to my life here. Forever or only for a little while, I cannot claim to know. Dive into the deep end.
Because one day, I will throw myself into the ocean. And if I cannot manage even this--how then can I logically assume myself to manage you?