A Tale of Three Girls.
Here I am.. chillin in Boise. I've been invited to go to a kegger. A big party of sorts. Should I not be excited to go and meet some hot random girl? Maybe for a one night fling it wouldn't be bad but i want something more then that. Something substantial...
"A relationship"
I've been single now for about a little over 2 years. 4/28/07 marks the last day I've actually had a girlfriend. And on that sad sad day, I was dumped by a girl, Nicole, who still to this day holds a piece of my heart in her hand. I feel like I still like her, except I don't. I like the memory of her, I don't even know who she is anymore. Nicole did help show one thing to me and that was what love actually felt like. How it was to commune and FEEL with someone that deep on of a level. She never said she loved me and I never said I loved her during the entirety of our 4 month relationship but when she was saying good bye, I was ready to say I love you. As such, she was the first girl I ever felt like I cared for that deeply.
Now, two years later, I want to feel that emotion again. I want to CARE and be CARED for. Yet when one girl offers me the feelings, I don't want to share them back... at least not with her. You see there's this amazing girl named Nyl. I think she is a beautiful girl with the correct set of morals and as nice as can be. Yet I can imagine that when she looks in the mirror at herself, all Nyl sees is this horrible monster. I hate to say that self esteem deters me from a girl but im forced to admit it. I used to have a horrible self-esteem and no girl was ever attracted to me... NOW I see why. Haha. How ironic. I still end up cuddling to this girl and making love with her, but I can't see myself joining a relationship with her because of how she treats herself. Some part of me thinks I can change her but even if I could who am I to say that she should even change? I don't know if thats the only thing holding me back from going out with her, but it definitely is one of them. I feel sorry to say it because Nyl likes me. I can tell that so much.
Who among everyone else do I want to share this feeling with? This girl called Rae is the apple of my eye though. She is an amazing somewhere around 5 foot 8 inches with long dirty blonde hair and a smile that could melt me into a puddle where I stand. The first time I met this stunning beauty was over myspace. We talked a little, mostly about some of the drugs each of us have taken and our crazy experiences. I finally talked her into meeting me. Where we met at in Front of Brownstone for a Night walk around the River and into Freeman park. I enjoyed it and was glad for the company of someone so intelligible. I might have liked her just as a friend at this point.
Around a week or 2 after this Night walk I invited her over to my friend J.D's house to drink and play beer pong. I am most certainly glad I got to spend this night with her as we cuddled ALOT and continued to drink. After cuddling for a long time and me feeling shot down cause I'm looking for a chance to kiss her yet I'm not able to find one. I announce that I'm going to go pick up a friend or something. I can't even remember right. :) Anyways right as I get up from our cuddle, she stands up with me. I give her a hug and start to leave, but she holds on to my hand as I turn away, swings me back and BOOM. It was a full on kiss. Probably the most romantic kiss I've felt or had happen to me. As such, the rest of the night was Bliss. :)!!
I have only hung out with her a couple more times after that party, probably not even going above 5 more times after that. but during those times when we cuddle and I look into her eyes, she gives me this smile like she wouldn't rather be anywhere else. I don't know whether its because I like her so much and I want to see that in her smile or if she really likes me. Rae says shes moving back to the same town as me in august. I'm waiting for her to move back. I really like her and want a chance with her. My friends said wait and I think its a good idea. If I meet a girl I like more then that, I guess I will just have to leave it up to fate as to what happens. In the mean time, I have no where else I would rather be then snuggling close and having the dirty blonde goddess of a girl Rae sleep with me. I would enjoy that. :)
P.S. Rae as of recently hasn't texted me back pretty much at all. She gets a little time here and there but sometimes I wonder if shes busy with some other guy. Not like it matters because I'm single and shes not my girlfriend, but at the same time I care about her and would rather have her in my arms then any other guys out there. I miss her so much that I had to write this about her to get it out of my system. I will write more again of course but in the mean time I have to get back to my vacation in Boise. Woot Woot!
P.S.S All above mentioned girls have a fake name instead of their real one... You know, just in case one of them is reading this. ;)
"A relationship"
I've been single now for about a little over 2 years. 4/28/07 marks the last day I've actually had a girlfriend. And on that sad sad day, I was dumped by a girl, Nicole, who still to this day holds a piece of my heart in her hand. I feel like I still like her, except I don't. I like the memory of her, I don't even know who she is anymore. Nicole did help show one thing to me and that was what love actually felt like. How it was to commune and FEEL with someone that deep on of a level. She never said she loved me and I never said I loved her during the entirety of our 4 month relationship but when she was saying good bye, I was ready to say I love you. As such, she was the first girl I ever felt like I cared for that deeply.
Now, two years later, I want to feel that emotion again. I want to CARE and be CARED for. Yet when one girl offers me the feelings, I don't want to share them back... at least not with her. You see there's this amazing girl named Nyl. I think she is a beautiful girl with the correct set of morals and as nice as can be. Yet I can imagine that when she looks in the mirror at herself, all Nyl sees is this horrible monster. I hate to say that self esteem deters me from a girl but im forced to admit it. I used to have a horrible self-esteem and no girl was ever attracted to me... NOW I see why. Haha. How ironic. I still end up cuddling to this girl and making love with her, but I can't see myself joining a relationship with her because of how she treats herself. Some part of me thinks I can change her but even if I could who am I to say that she should even change? I don't know if thats the only thing holding me back from going out with her, but it definitely is one of them. I feel sorry to say it because Nyl likes me. I can tell that so much.
Who among everyone else do I want to share this feeling with? This girl called Rae is the apple of my eye though. She is an amazing somewhere around 5 foot 8 inches with long dirty blonde hair and a smile that could melt me into a puddle where I stand. The first time I met this stunning beauty was over myspace. We talked a little, mostly about some of the drugs each of us have taken and our crazy experiences. I finally talked her into meeting me. Where we met at in Front of Brownstone for a Night walk around the River and into Freeman park. I enjoyed it and was glad for the company of someone so intelligible. I might have liked her just as a friend at this point.
Around a week or 2 after this Night walk I invited her over to my friend J.D's house to drink and play beer pong. I am most certainly glad I got to spend this night with her as we cuddled ALOT and continued to drink. After cuddling for a long time and me feeling shot down cause I'm looking for a chance to kiss her yet I'm not able to find one. I announce that I'm going to go pick up a friend or something. I can't even remember right. :) Anyways right as I get up from our cuddle, she stands up with me. I give her a hug and start to leave, but she holds on to my hand as I turn away, swings me back and BOOM. It was a full on kiss. Probably the most romantic kiss I've felt or had happen to me. As such, the rest of the night was Bliss. :)!!
I have only hung out with her a couple more times after that party, probably not even going above 5 more times after that. but during those times when we cuddle and I look into her eyes, she gives me this smile like she wouldn't rather be anywhere else. I don't know whether its because I like her so much and I want to see that in her smile or if she really likes me. Rae says shes moving back to the same town as me in august. I'm waiting for her to move back. I really like her and want a chance with her. My friends said wait and I think its a good idea. If I meet a girl I like more then that, I guess I will just have to leave it up to fate as to what happens. In the mean time, I have no where else I would rather be then snuggling close and having the dirty blonde goddess of a girl Rae sleep with me. I would enjoy that. :)
P.S. Rae as of recently hasn't texted me back pretty much at all. She gets a little time here and there but sometimes I wonder if shes busy with some other guy. Not like it matters because I'm single and shes not my girlfriend, but at the same time I care about her and would rather have her in my arms then any other guys out there. I miss her so much that I had to write this about her to get it out of my system. I will write more again of course but in the mean time I have to get back to my vacation in Boise. Woot Woot!
P.S.S All above mentioned girls have a fake name instead of their real one... You know, just in case one of them is reading this. ;)