we fail to represent, we fail to be content. we fail at everything we ever even try to attempt.
im having trouble with letting go of something.
i bet danielle, megan, + deanna are all waving their hands in front of their faces right now.
but in all seriousness- this is not good at all.
especially given my health recently.
im worried about everything.
even things i really dont need to worry about,
+ things i dont need to worry about yet.
+ its like im not letting anything cheer me up.
i am trying, its just that its incredibly hard to come out of this
funk im in, even if its just for a little while, or for one night.
+ im sorry to those who have been trying to make it easier for me.
i do know that you're trying, + thats enough for me, even if you cant tell.
its sad how happy + relieved i am when the last bell rings on fridays.
for the first time ever, i hate school. hate it.
there have always been those days where i want to stay home, go home, or i just need a break.
but overall, i loved school.
+ now i hate it.
i hate everything about it.
what it makes me do, what i see there, who i see there,
+ just everything it represents in my life.
why do i have this sudden loathing of school?
a few reasons.
one is that it reminds me of college, how close it is for me,
+ how much closer it is for most of my friends.
after the class of 06 graduates, the only close friend i'll have left is deanna.
the other will have all graduated, including those from the classes of 04 + 05.
im scared of what it will be like to be even more alone on long island, or at least in HHS.
i mean- i feel that way sometimes now,
but i have deanna. i have dani + meg. i have justin + chris.
what will happen when dani + meg go away?
+ i already hardly see justin + chris anymore.
+ when i go to college, chances are i'll go away.
there's nothing i really want to stay here for anymore.
+ then i'll really be alone.
+ that is my biggest fear.
another reason is that i hate seeing people there.
they remind me of how superficial the world is.
+ they make me feel like shit for either conforming, or not conforming to them.
so i cant win.
+ i guess i shouldnt let them affect me, which usually i dont.
but when people you never thought would become those kinds of people, do,
it makes you rethink everything you ever thought about that person, + yourself.
+ usually, you come up being the bastard that caused it all in the first place.
a lot of it has to do with poor judgement + eventual regret.
i've made some bad decisions recently,
beginning with the end of august, + continuing even now.
i've tried to reassess my life, my priorities, my views.
+ i've tried to make my life more concrete like it used to be, but i cant.
maybe at this age it is impossible, because there's always so much changing.
but right now- it doesnt feel like anything is changing.
i would LOVE for it to change, but its not.
+ that leaves me regretting almost every thing i did from late august to now.
+ i hate to say regret, but i have a feeling i'd be happier if it never happened.
i think everyone involved would be happier if i wasnt there + if august to now never happened.
i hate regretting things, its like wishing your life away.
but in this case, its for their, and my, own good.
there are other reasons which i choose to keep between me + a very small amount of people.
its a serious problem, a serious issue in my life that forces me into making hard decisions.
decisions in which i can never win.
i can either go with choice A,
which makes me do this shitty thing followed by this crappy thing.
or go with choice B,
which does the same thing as A, only it costs more. BUT it lasts shorter.
but either way, A or B, you're going to end up with C,
which is basically shittier than both of them combined.
<3
sorry for this rather pointless entry.
i really hope tonight is uplifting.
im not in a very good mood..
but hopefully, the powers of dee justin + chris combined can change that.
you better comment. :P
i bet danielle, megan, + deanna are all waving their hands in front of their faces right now.
but in all seriousness- this is not good at all.
especially given my health recently.
im worried about everything.
even things i really dont need to worry about,
+ things i dont need to worry about yet.
+ its like im not letting anything cheer me up.
i am trying, its just that its incredibly hard to come out of this
funk im in, even if its just for a little while, or for one night.
+ im sorry to those who have been trying to make it easier for me.
i do know that you're trying, + thats enough for me, even if you cant tell.
its sad how happy + relieved i am when the last bell rings on fridays.
for the first time ever, i hate school. hate it.
there have always been those days where i want to stay home, go home, or i just need a break.
but overall, i loved school.
+ now i hate it.
i hate everything about it.
what it makes me do, what i see there, who i see there,
+ just everything it represents in my life.
why do i have this sudden loathing of school?
a few reasons.
one is that it reminds me of college, how close it is for me,
+ how much closer it is for most of my friends.
after the class of 06 graduates, the only close friend i'll have left is deanna.
the other will have all graduated, including those from the classes of 04 + 05.
im scared of what it will be like to be even more alone on long island, or at least in HHS.
i mean- i feel that way sometimes now,
but i have deanna. i have dani + meg. i have justin + chris.
what will happen when dani + meg go away?
+ i already hardly see justin + chris anymore.
+ when i go to college, chances are i'll go away.
there's nothing i really want to stay here for anymore.
+ then i'll really be alone.
+ that is my biggest fear.
another reason is that i hate seeing people there.
they remind me of how superficial the world is.
+ they make me feel like shit for either conforming, or not conforming to them.
so i cant win.
+ i guess i shouldnt let them affect me, which usually i dont.
but when people you never thought would become those kinds of people, do,
it makes you rethink everything you ever thought about that person, + yourself.
+ usually, you come up being the bastard that caused it all in the first place.
a lot of it has to do with poor judgement + eventual regret.
i've made some bad decisions recently,
beginning with the end of august, + continuing even now.
i've tried to reassess my life, my priorities, my views.
+ i've tried to make my life more concrete like it used to be, but i cant.
maybe at this age it is impossible, because there's always so much changing.
but right now- it doesnt feel like anything is changing.
i would LOVE for it to change, but its not.
+ that leaves me regretting almost every thing i did from late august to now.
+ i hate to say regret, but i have a feeling i'd be happier if it never happened.
i think everyone involved would be happier if i wasnt there + if august to now never happened.
i hate regretting things, its like wishing your life away.
but in this case, its for their, and my, own good.
there are other reasons which i choose to keep between me + a very small amount of people.
its a serious problem, a serious issue in my life that forces me into making hard decisions.
decisions in which i can never win.
i can either go with choice A,
which makes me do this shitty thing followed by this crappy thing.
or go with choice B,
which does the same thing as A, only it costs more. BUT it lasts shorter.
but either way, A or B, you're going to end up with C,
which is basically shittier than both of them combined.
<3
sorry for this rather pointless entry.
i really hope tonight is uplifting.
im not in a very good mood..
but hopefully, the powers of dee justin + chris combined can change that.
you better comment. :P