why the fuck would they have Geppetto be swallowed by a fucking whale?!
okay. its the end of the second day of summer for me.
its 12.05 am, and i'm awake watching Pinocchio at dee's house.
she's asleep, there are 4 boys asleep in the other room, and her mom is asleep.
it's weird being the only one awake in a house that's not my own.
this summer, i have to say, is off to a weird start.
and i guess this alone time is giving me a time to think about it.
i realize now, that i am truly unhappy.
i have been blessed in one single area, and as selfish as it may sound, i'm still unhappy.
tonight was jessica's grad party.
and before dee + i left, we went on a walk with danielle, megan murray, + laura.
and dee + i agree that the 5 of us is the biggest group of girls we can stand.
and i really enjoyed the walk we went on.
and that i have even just those girls who love me makes me happy.
but something's missing.
there's a most lachrymose dearth in high spirit in me lately.
and all who are close to me have noticed.
i'm wondering why now.
why is this year different?
why has my attitude changed so drastically?
my situation isnt much different this year at this time than it was last year.
true, this year was regretably tougher than others.
but because of JLR, i was able to deal with the losses constructively
and help others mourn more constructively.
this is the year i learned that everything happens for a reason.
so why am i so fucking incomplete and unhappy?
i've had so much to deal with in addition to the losses all of hauppauge felt.
not to say that i'm the only one-
but i just feel like i've been ignored completely by just about everyone around me.
i feel like my mother treats me as a posession rather than a daughter.
i feel like my brother takes advantage of me as a sister.
i feel like the guys that have come into my life have left me in a lurch.
i feel like the one boy that i have feelings for right now is ashamed of me.
not ashamed- but almost embarrassed or unsure.
he's so indirect.
we've hooked up once or twice, but awhile ago, and nothing ever came from it.
and the only time we talk or flirt is only in a small group, or just by ourselves.
im so confused as to how he feels about me, if he feels anything at all.
i just wish i could find out and be sure, even if it is bad news.
i guess that's what's been bothering me the most lately.
the fact that there are just so many unkowns in my life right now.
i feel so left out in the dark.. of my own feelings on things.
like- obviously i know how i feel, but i try to hide how i truly feel from myself.
i know that how i feel about someone or something will disappoint somebody,
so i tell even myself i dont feel that way.
and most times i end up believing it.
its strange how i can lie to myself... and believe it.
going back to guys-
i've been pretty lucky i guess.
maybe its my "system" as ali dubbed it.
i dont really let myself or tell myself i like a guy until he shows definite interest first.
so basically-
any guy i like, i get because i basically already have them when i let myself like them.
but the guys i go for- are usually new guys in my life, and i dont have a history with them.
and this guy just throws everything off.
i've known him for so long, and i have watched him "mature", as guys do, into adolescence.
and while most will find him puerile to the point of annoyance,
i find it cute that he is as goofy and unique as he is.
the biggest trouble, the way i see it, is that i dont want to venture out.
i dont want to be the first to admit that i like him.
i wont say it to myself, or anyone.
i will say that i have feelings for hime, but i wont admit that i like him.
furthermore- i believe that he is the same way.
which, in this case, is very very bad for me because then here we lie at stalemate.
and it is utterly pointless to continue feeling this way and waste my feelings.
i could go on and on.
this entry is a lot longer than i intended.
and has taken me a long time to write as i am thinking in between.
to sum up- although i am unhappy about many things at the moment
i amd happy that summer's here, and i can take a break from school.
♥, kait.
p.s. shows i am going to so far this summer:
a)action action/gatsby's american dream
b)warped tour
c)glassjaw/the used/alexisonfire/30 seconds to mars.
fucking awesome.
its 12.05 am, and i'm awake watching Pinocchio at dee's house.
she's asleep, there are 4 boys asleep in the other room, and her mom is asleep.
it's weird being the only one awake in a house that's not my own.
this summer, i have to say, is off to a weird start.
and i guess this alone time is giving me a time to think about it.
i realize now, that i am truly unhappy.
i have been blessed in one single area, and as selfish as it may sound, i'm still unhappy.
tonight was jessica's grad party.
and before dee + i left, we went on a walk with danielle, megan murray, + laura.
and dee + i agree that the 5 of us is the biggest group of girls we can stand.
and i really enjoyed the walk we went on.
and that i have even just those girls who love me makes me happy.
but something's missing.
there's a most lachrymose dearth in high spirit in me lately.
and all who are close to me have noticed.
i'm wondering why now.
why is this year different?
why has my attitude changed so drastically?
my situation isnt much different this year at this time than it was last year.
true, this year was regretably tougher than others.
but because of JLR, i was able to deal with the losses constructively
and help others mourn more constructively.
this is the year i learned that everything happens for a reason.
so why am i so fucking incomplete and unhappy?
i've had so much to deal with in addition to the losses all of hauppauge felt.
not to say that i'm the only one-
but i just feel like i've been ignored completely by just about everyone around me.
i feel like my mother treats me as a posession rather than a daughter.
i feel like my brother takes advantage of me as a sister.
i feel like the guys that have come into my life have left me in a lurch.
i feel like the one boy that i have feelings for right now is ashamed of me.
not ashamed- but almost embarrassed or unsure.
he's so indirect.
we've hooked up once or twice, but awhile ago, and nothing ever came from it.
and the only time we talk or flirt is only in a small group, or just by ourselves.
im so confused as to how he feels about me, if he feels anything at all.
i just wish i could find out and be sure, even if it is bad news.
i guess that's what's been bothering me the most lately.
the fact that there are just so many unkowns in my life right now.
i feel so left out in the dark.. of my own feelings on things.
like- obviously i know how i feel, but i try to hide how i truly feel from myself.
i know that how i feel about someone or something will disappoint somebody,
so i tell even myself i dont feel that way.
and most times i end up believing it.
its strange how i can lie to myself... and believe it.
going back to guys-
i've been pretty lucky i guess.
maybe its my "system" as ali dubbed it.
i dont really let myself or tell myself i like a guy until he shows definite interest first.
so basically-
any guy i like, i get because i basically already have them when i let myself like them.
but the guys i go for- are usually new guys in my life, and i dont have a history with them.
and this guy just throws everything off.
i've known him for so long, and i have watched him "mature", as guys do, into adolescence.
and while most will find him puerile to the point of annoyance,
i find it cute that he is as goofy and unique as he is.
the biggest trouble, the way i see it, is that i dont want to venture out.
i dont want to be the first to admit that i like him.
i wont say it to myself, or anyone.
i will say that i have feelings for hime, but i wont admit that i like him.
furthermore- i believe that he is the same way.
which, in this case, is very very bad for me because then here we lie at stalemate.
and it is utterly pointless to continue feeling this way and waste my feelings.
i could go on and on.
this entry is a lot longer than i intended.
and has taken me a long time to write as i am thinking in between.
to sum up- although i am unhappy about many things at the moment
i amd happy that summer's here, and i can take a break from school.
♥, kait.
p.s. shows i am going to so far this summer:
a)action action/gatsby's american dream
b)warped tour
c)glassjaw/the used/alexisonfire/30 seconds to mars.
fucking awesome.