We were only freshmen...
I decided to go to sleep early tonight, about 8:45. So I set the alarm early to shower and get things together for tomorrow because I don't want to do that tonight. I also decided to get my cd player out and listen to some soothing music before I went to dreamland. I was sitting up in bed under the covers, the room was dark, the music was kind of sad, and happened to be a mix I made in 9th grade. "The Freshmen" came on, a good song, but I started tearing up and had to close my eyes and breathe slowly for it to pass.. When I opened them, I realized why.
I feel collected now, and I feel happy and I am happy. I am not lost or confused or hurt or anything. Things are going well, life is happy: I'm dating my best friend, school isn't too horrid (classes are seeming more fun), I'm in the musical, I'm closer to Meg again, and things just seem to fit. I wish all of my good fortune can also manifest itself for others so they can feel the same way I do; they deserve it just as much if not more.
But I wasn't collected then. I wasn't happy then. Things weren't fitting then.
I can remember back to freshman year, and points of sophomore year.. I would cry myself to sleep. I would be under the covers, under the canopy I tacked up (it's this huge colorguard flag I bought at the Tar Heel Invitational in 9th grade) and I would listen to my music, fall asleep to it even. I would think of all the regrets I had. I was trying to make the pieces of my puzzle fit. I wanted it to go easily and I wanted everything to be perfect. But this was something so new and I wasn't ready for everything. It was really hard to handle, and it took its toll on me. Listening to that song brought some of it back... I remember when I cried on the bus, the reality checks, I remember Lasharae and Mary, when I went onto my roof, when I took moonlit walks almost every night and talked to myself... I remember the rejection, I remember that closure, I remember that rekindle, I remember that fight, I remember those eyes.... I can remember it all.
I had this journal thing from freshman year that I kept because I hadn't really learned how to get my emotions out. I had not a person in middle school that I could go to other than Samantha Bogdavitz, but we just complained to each other about school... But then in high school, I still didn't know how to open up. Lashare and Patrick were the two people that I learned from. They didn't specifically teach me how, but I learned from them. But that journal that I kept before I met them, or remet as it were lol, I would write in it practically everyday if not twice a day. I always contradicted myself, and I was infatuated with all sorts of people and things and it was just all so new..
I remember thinking that I fell in love, I remember writing that one poem, I remember starting into poetry, I remember Anliker's class and the first person that came to me, I remember the feeling of being left out.. I remember the feeling of crying. I remember the masks that I wore, I remember the shit that I caused for people including myself, I remember marching band...
I guess with that one song, and almost this whole cd, it's full of melancholy songs that I listened to back then. It seems so long ago.. and 10th and 9th almost blend together. Will I even remember the horrid feelings or amazing feelings that I have experienced here 10 years from now??
Well, I guess I'll go back to what I was going to do. In other news? That small wench part is fun, band was okay, I love practicing the piano during lunch, I just ordered 3 piano songs this evening (one I will learn for a friend, another I said I would learn for a friend..., and another I've just wanted to learn; I love all of them though!), I didn't fail the history quiz, math was hilarious today, I love Purvis (he rocks), and I love nostalgic music. Oh, and I hope I get well soon.
Oh, I have also noticed that I have distanced myself from friends unintentionally and will work on fixing that. That problem has happened before and I understand completely that it isn't intentional from when it has occured.. I'm sorry by the way. Night all.
I feel collected now, and I feel happy and I am happy. I am not lost or confused or hurt or anything. Things are going well, life is happy: I'm dating my best friend, school isn't too horrid (classes are seeming more fun), I'm in the musical, I'm closer to Meg again, and things just seem to fit. I wish all of my good fortune can also manifest itself for others so they can feel the same way I do; they deserve it just as much if not more.
But I wasn't collected then. I wasn't happy then. Things weren't fitting then.
I can remember back to freshman year, and points of sophomore year.. I would cry myself to sleep. I would be under the covers, under the canopy I tacked up (it's this huge colorguard flag I bought at the Tar Heel Invitational in 9th grade) and I would listen to my music, fall asleep to it even. I would think of all the regrets I had. I was trying to make the pieces of my puzzle fit. I wanted it to go easily and I wanted everything to be perfect. But this was something so new and I wasn't ready for everything. It was really hard to handle, and it took its toll on me. Listening to that song brought some of it back... I remember when I cried on the bus, the reality checks, I remember Lasharae and Mary, when I went onto my roof, when I took moonlit walks almost every night and talked to myself... I remember the rejection, I remember that closure, I remember that rekindle, I remember that fight, I remember those eyes.... I can remember it all.
I had this journal thing from freshman year that I kept because I hadn't really learned how to get my emotions out. I had not a person in middle school that I could go to other than Samantha Bogdavitz, but we just complained to each other about school... But then in high school, I still didn't know how to open up. Lashare and Patrick were the two people that I learned from. They didn't specifically teach me how, but I learned from them. But that journal that I kept before I met them, or remet as it were lol, I would write in it practically everyday if not twice a day. I always contradicted myself, and I was infatuated with all sorts of people and things and it was just all so new..
I remember thinking that I fell in love, I remember writing that one poem, I remember starting into poetry, I remember Anliker's class and the first person that came to me, I remember the feeling of being left out.. I remember the feeling of crying. I remember the masks that I wore, I remember the shit that I caused for people including myself, I remember marching band...
I guess with that one song, and almost this whole cd, it's full of melancholy songs that I listened to back then. It seems so long ago.. and 10th and 9th almost blend together. Will I even remember the horrid feelings or amazing feelings that I have experienced here 10 years from now??
Well, I guess I'll go back to what I was going to do. In other news? That small wench part is fun, band was okay, I love practicing the piano during lunch, I just ordered 3 piano songs this evening (one I will learn for a friend, another I said I would learn for a friend..., and another I've just wanted to learn; I love all of them though!), I didn't fail the history quiz, math was hilarious today, I love Purvis (he rocks), and I love nostalgic music. Oh, and I hope I get well soon.
Oh, I have also noticed that I have distanced myself from friends unintentionally and will work on fixing that. That problem has happened before and I understand completely that it isn't intentional from when it has occured.. I'm sorry by the way. Night all.