I don't know...
I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to be this person. I don't know who this person is. - Izzie, Grey's Anatomy
All I can think in anymore is cliche's. Change, time, healing...all of it far too Hallmark for my inner warfare thank you.
I don't know how to be...I don't know how to retain me...I thought I had...but...I'm wrong. I feel wrong. I feel like that girl...that girl I didn't want to be...that preoccupied, hearts and stars in her eyes disgusting has nothing better to talk about shallow hallow waste of a brain...useless zombie with a one track mind...that 50's mantra step ford shit...
That's not the girl I've ever wanted to be. I despise all of it...all the cutesy girlie foo foo shit...I loathe it...so many traits I can't stand...
I'm not that girl. I know I'm not. I also know that I'm sometimes too femi-nazi for my own good. Overly Independent, terrified to be seen as weak or in any way needy. Why is it giving up even a little bit of my independent (overly at that) bullshit makes me feel ... see there's not even a word for it...emasculated fits perfectly by definition but since I lack a penis it doesn't really work now does it...
I'm trying too hard to live up to the standard I set on myself. A standard I more or less forced myself into. My strength, in the end will it be my weakness?
Sometimes I'm a cold hard bitch. I have to be. I wouldn't have made it this far if I wasn't. Outside, that's me. Inside, anyone that gets close enough after the moat and the dragon...I'm probably comparable to an acid trip version of Barbie's world...soft, pink and sweet...
I just want to be...without feeling like being in love (yeah I said it fuck off) is the last straw to break my personality...that it's domesticated me...emasculated me...destroyed me...
...and now I'm frustrated again...
Really I just feel like I can't have the one thing I wanted my whole life without being a hypocrite...someone that's mine to love...that loves me...for me...the me I love...with all the bullshit and the over dramatics and the contradiction...
I get the reality of it, more than I probably should...but it's fucking nice to have a little fantasy in it for once...
I've always been the spectator...I finally get in the damn game and I feel like half of me is in the stands...looking down pissed off as hell...betrayed and scorned...
:(
All I can think in anymore is cliche's. Change, time, healing...all of it far too Hallmark for my inner warfare thank you.
I don't know how to be...I don't know how to retain me...I thought I had...but...I'm wrong. I feel wrong. I feel like that girl...that girl I didn't want to be...that preoccupied, hearts and stars in her eyes disgusting has nothing better to talk about shallow hallow waste of a brain...useless zombie with a one track mind...that 50's mantra step ford shit...
That's not the girl I've ever wanted to be. I despise all of it...all the cutesy girlie foo foo shit...I loathe it...so many traits I can't stand...
I'm not that girl. I know I'm not. I also know that I'm sometimes too femi-nazi for my own good. Overly Independent, terrified to be seen as weak or in any way needy. Why is it giving up even a little bit of my independent (overly at that) bullshit makes me feel ... see there's not even a word for it...emasculated fits perfectly by definition but since I lack a penis it doesn't really work now does it...
I'm trying too hard to live up to the standard I set on myself. A standard I more or less forced myself into. My strength, in the end will it be my weakness?
Sometimes I'm a cold hard bitch. I have to be. I wouldn't have made it this far if I wasn't. Outside, that's me. Inside, anyone that gets close enough after the moat and the dragon...I'm probably comparable to an acid trip version of Barbie's world...soft, pink and sweet...
I just want to be...without feeling like being in love (yeah I said it fuck off) is the last straw to break my personality...that it's domesticated me...emasculated me...destroyed me...
...and now I'm frustrated again...
Really I just feel like I can't have the one thing I wanted my whole life without being a hypocrite...someone that's mine to love...that loves me...for me...the me I love...with all the bullshit and the over dramatics and the contradiction...
I get the reality of it, more than I probably should...but it's fucking nice to have a little fantasy in it for once...
I've always been the spectator...I finally get in the damn game and I feel like half of me is in the stands...looking down pissed off as hell...betrayed and scorned...
:(