We Fear Change
Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But heres the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes change is everything.
Adaptation, growth, evolution. Can I just not? Please?
Fear, it's a funny thing. Fear that keeps you from doing things, fear that keeps you held down. Fear that makes you avoid confrontation, conversation, admittance, introduction. Fear is supposed to motivate, fight or flight. So why the hell with me does it always just cement me in place, mocking my inability to take action?
Marty, dear Marty, how our similarities grow greater as our time line gets longer...not in regard to that previous set of statements, but nonetheless true.
Fear kept me in that basement, kept me repeating the same mistake, kept me at MSU despite my complete lack of passion for what I was doing. Fear keeps in me a place, a situation, a person, always has until outer forces, pun intended tear me away...
So here's reality, knocking on my doorstep, threatening to pop my little perfect bubble like an atom bomb. What to do what to do? I'm late, Mr. Rabbit, tea time has all but passed for me.
Seeing my family this weekend is both exciting and absolutely terrifying. I'm not close to them. I'm just not. Haven't been since my family left Dearborn Heights for Jackson. Haven't been since I grew to understand that blood doesn't always connect people as much as it should.
I love them. I do, but it seems less effortless as loving the other people in my life. There is too much judgment. Too many questions I don't want to answer. Too many prying eyes. Please don't let them ask me about Mom...please don't let them give me too much shit about living with a guy, or Josh, or anything else I've chosen for my life. I just want to go get trashed, play cards, burn some furniture and try to recapture some of the fun I used to have with these people. Let me feel like I have blood family that's actually full of love..just once.
A heart so concerned with affection, yet completely halved...Marty right as always gets this too much. My little walking contradiction line has more behind it than you know at first glance. Very masculine at times, yet also more feminine than I care to admit. Bi in more ways than one. I am walking a line, a line I have always walked. Knowing what femininity offers, despising so much of it. Knowing full well that it is my feminine love and nurturing crap that makes the most of who I am...
I'm thankful that I have had a plethora of men in my world. The unfortunate thing is that I haven't been so lucky in the feminine land of things. The majority of women I meet always end up categorized. I try not to, but it can't be helped. I do it with men too. There's a spectrum to everything...I don't believe in black and white...
I do believe though that I am not capable of writing this out in an comprehensive way today...and so I quit, having still not said what it is I was trying to allude to. Mission Accomplished.
Adaptation, growth, evolution. Can I just not? Please?
Fear, it's a funny thing. Fear that keeps you from doing things, fear that keeps you held down. Fear that makes you avoid confrontation, conversation, admittance, introduction. Fear is supposed to motivate, fight or flight. So why the hell with me does it always just cement me in place, mocking my inability to take action?
Marty, dear Marty, how our similarities grow greater as our time line gets longer...not in regard to that previous set of statements, but nonetheless true.
Fear kept me in that basement, kept me repeating the same mistake, kept me at MSU despite my complete lack of passion for what I was doing. Fear keeps in me a place, a situation, a person, always has until outer forces, pun intended tear me away...
So here's reality, knocking on my doorstep, threatening to pop my little perfect bubble like an atom bomb. What to do what to do? I'm late, Mr. Rabbit, tea time has all but passed for me.
Seeing my family this weekend is both exciting and absolutely terrifying. I'm not close to them. I'm just not. Haven't been since my family left Dearborn Heights for Jackson. Haven't been since I grew to understand that blood doesn't always connect people as much as it should.
I love them. I do, but it seems less effortless as loving the other people in my life. There is too much judgment. Too many questions I don't want to answer. Too many prying eyes. Please don't let them ask me about Mom...please don't let them give me too much shit about living with a guy, or Josh, or anything else I've chosen for my life. I just want to go get trashed, play cards, burn some furniture and try to recapture some of the fun I used to have with these people. Let me feel like I have blood family that's actually full of love..just once.
A heart so concerned with affection, yet completely halved...Marty right as always gets this too much. My little walking contradiction line has more behind it than you know at first glance. Very masculine at times, yet also more feminine than I care to admit. Bi in more ways than one. I am walking a line, a line I have always walked. Knowing what femininity offers, despising so much of it. Knowing full well that it is my feminine love and nurturing crap that makes the most of who I am...
I'm thankful that I have had a plethora of men in my world. The unfortunate thing is that I haven't been so lucky in the feminine land of things. The majority of women I meet always end up categorized. I try not to, but it can't be helped. I do it with men too. There's a spectrum to everything...I don't believe in black and white...
I do believe though that I am not capable of writing this out in an comprehensive way today...and so I quit, having still not said what it is I was trying to allude to. Mission Accomplished.