i don't want to let you down, but i am hell bound...
So, you may remember when I posted this.
It was the beginning of the end, which I'm sure many of you guys saw coming a mile away. (No, seriously, I have apps and merch and opinions about games and if you follow me on twitter, you've seen me have meltdowns while watching said games, complete with caps lock, alcohol and the misuse of hash tags.
But I have not gone into the dark night on my own, I've dragged candy_belle along with me, using the clever lures of fic, sexy bffs and hockeybots (yeah, I'll explain that one later...).
And I thought that since I am responsible for the fact that she, 1. knows what a hockeybot is, and 2. now finds them attractive, I owe her a picture guide to who's who on the Chicago Blackhawks . It should be noted that while I am embarrassingly enthusiastic about hockey, I'm not an expert about the game or really good with each players stats, etc.; I'll explain what I know and there will be lots of pretty, pretty pics, but that's it. If you do decide you want to memorize everything about hockey that you can, let me know and I'll link you to some really good primers for that stuff.
Let's began:
So you want to hockey (like a Stanley Cup winner)
Ok, we'll start at the top:
Name: Jonathan Toews
Height/Weight: 6'2, 207 lbs
Position: Center, Captain
Number: 19
Nicknames: Jon, Jonny, Tazer, Toes, Tow-es, Captain Serious
What the fuck is a center and why is this guy considered good at it: Ok, so a center is pretty much what it sounds like: they stay in the center of the ice, away from the sides. They're usually strong, fast skaters since they're expected to cover more ice than any other player; they do a lot of backchecking (rushing to defend your side when the other team starts an offensive play).
Jonny is considered one of the best centers in the NHL; he's a gifted passer, his innate understanding of the game, how to read a puck and his teammates is probably only second to Sidney Crosby (which is a whole other post). Basically, Jonny kicks ass and is better than anyone, ever. (Ok, maybe not ever, but close).
He's also been called one of the best Playmakers in the NHL. (The Playmaker makes all of us look good. The Playmaker is almost as unselfish as the Grinder, but sees the ice differently. The Playmaker's not the President but he's not an empty-suit Vice-President either. He's more like a really powerful Secretary of State or Chief of Staff. The Playmaker gets a point for each assist. Because in hockey, as well as other things, an assist can be more beautiful than a goal.)
What exactly is a 'hockeybot'?: Hockeybot is an affectionate term for a hockey player that's also half-robot; hockeybots are typically Canadian, have little to no socialization outside of hockey and show no feelings for anything besides hockey (and their bffs, but that is also a post for a different day). They've played hockey their whole lives and left home at 13 or 14 to go to boarding school, different cities, etc., to play the best hockey they could. Most hockey players are emotionally stunted, but some Canadians take it to an extreme; i.e.: Jonathan Toews or Sidney Crosby.
Name: Patrick Kane
Height/Weight: 5'10, 181 lbs
Position: Right Winger
Number: 88
Nicknames: Pat, Pattycakes, Peekaboo, Peeks, Kaner, Heartbreaker (well, that last one is just me because one of his goal cellies is that he does heart-fingers and then punches through it)
What the fuck is a right winger and is this 'Kaner' any good at it?: Right winger flanks the right side of the center; Kaner's suppose to be an out and out goal scorer, but it's not surprising to see him all over the place. He's obviously a Superstar ( Simply put, the Superstar can do things no one else can. The Superstar has his picture taken a lot. The Superstar can't be explained. The Superstar gets to marry anybody. The Superstar should be watched and enjoyed. Because the Superstar doesn't come along that often.) Kaner can do things with a puck you've never even heard of before; it's common to hear the commentators going into raptures over his goals during games. Even people who loathe Patrick Kane can't deny his fucken talent.
He's kind of funny looking?: There are two phases for Blackhawks fans when it comes to PKane: 1. "Hey, who's 88 again? He's pretty talented and kind of alright looking." and 2. "PATRICK KANE IS THE MOST TALENTED STICK HANDLER IN THE NHL AND ALSO GORGEOUS. IF YOU HURT HIM I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND MURDER YOU." There are no exceptions.
Name: Patrick Sharp
Height/Weight: 6'1/197 lbs
Position: Forward, Alternative Captain
Number: 10
Nicknames: Sharpy, Sharpshooter
What does he do and why does he look like a model?: Sharpy's a forward; they primarily are suppose to worry about scoring and that's it. Both Jonny and Pat are forwards, too; their positions are just more specialized, that's all. Sharpy mostly sticks to the left, but he'll switch with Kaner a lot and even Tazer on occasion. He's a versatile fucker like that. He lives up to his title, The Scorer (The Scorer is somebody you're very familiar with. The Scorer was born with his own map to the right place at the right time. The Scorer's the one who doesn't study all semester, goes out the night before, and still manages to ace the final. You hate the Scorer. You love the Scorer. You watch the Scorer.)
His face is just good genetics.
God, he's really, really, really, ridiculously good-looking: Yes. Yes, he is.
Name: Duncan Keith
Height/Weight: 6'1, 200 lb
Position: Defense, Alternative Captain
Number: 2
Nicknames: Duncs, Jigsaw
What kind of defense does hockey have and is this Duncs guy any good?: D-men have basically one job: make sure the other team doesn't score. There are two different kinds of defense in hockey: 'stay-at-home' defense which is what it sounds like; they stay in front of their net, protect it and take little to no risks. And 'offensive defense' is when they aggressively participate in their team's offense. Duncs is accomplished at both, so, yeah, he's considered pretty good. D-men are suppose to be, like, the last stop gap before you get to the brick wall that is the goalie, while also moving the puck around to their forwards and protecting them. It's not uncommon to hear them say something along the lines of, "If I have to, I'll stop the puck with my face." (which he actually did in the run up to the 'Hawks 2010 SC win and lost six of his teeth; his bff Brent Seabrook has them). Duncs is every inch a Grinder ( The Grinder works hard in the corners and other places nobody else wants to go. The Grinder's the guy who doesn't have the grades to get the scholarships so he works the night shift to pay for classes. The Grinder's willing to sacrifice the body, stopping a speeding puck with your face isn't pretty, but then again, neither is the name "Grinder". The Grinder always sticks up for his teammates. Why? Because they're teammates. And the other guys aren't.).
Did he really give his teeth to his friend?: ...yes. Look, hockey does strange things to the people who play it. One of those things is that it makes you form weirdly co-dependent friendships. And in those friendships, teeth are a sign of love. (Ok, they're really not, Duncs and Seabs are just fucken strange, even amongst hockey players.)
Name: Brent Seabrook
Height/Weight: 6'3, 227 lbs
Position: Defense
Number: 7
Nicknames: Seabs, Seabsie boy, Biscuit
Doesn't he play the same position as that Duncs?: Why, yes. Yes, he does. Seabs compliments Duncs in every aspect of their lives on the ice; they're almost always paired up and they lead the league in D. They basically have one brain in two different bodies and it majorly fucks with other teams who have to play them. Just like his bff, Seabsie is a Grinder.
He doesn't really have his best friend's teeth, does he?: Well, he said once in an interview that he keeps them in his nightstand, so. Welcome to hockey, man.
Name: Andrew Shaw
Height/Weight: 5'11, 165 lb
Position: Center
Number: 65
Nicknames: Shawzy, Shawzer, Mutt
Doesn't he have the same position as that hockeybot dude?: Good eye, he does indeed play center like Jonny does. Shawzy usually centers for the second line, while Jonny does first (So many jokes...). Shawzy's a very physical player, especially for a center and he's constantly chirping people and just generally being an asshole to the opposing teams. He's a Grinder, like Duncs and Seabs, and is probably the closest thing to an Enforcer that the 'Hawks have.
What happened to his face?: He decided it was a good idea to take a puck to the face during the SC finals last season. He didn't lose any teeth, however. Give it time.
Name: Corey Crawford
Height/Weight: 6'2, 200 lb
Position: Goalie
Number: 50
Nicknames: Crow
He chose to stop pucks with his body?: Goalies have one job: stop the puck from entering the net. It looks easy on paper, but the reality sucks. Goalies are the one of the most important players in any given game because they can make or break a whole season. Mostly, they stay in their net; once on a while they will skate around behind said net to stop a puck and hold it for their team. I promise you, you will be terrified the whole time. Crow is one of the best goalies in the NHL, he has one of the highest save percentages. He's an exemplary Stopper (The Stopper is different. The Stopper makes a mistake, a red light goes on an 10,000 people yell at him. The Stopper's the one you count on to succeed after everyone else has failed. The Stopper's the guy who remembers to bring the toilet paper on the camping trip. The Stopper might be weird. But understandably so. Thank God for the Stopper.). And, yeah, he made a decision in early childhood to get pucks shot at him constantly.
He kind of scares me: Goalies are weird, strange creatures. They need affection and love from their team, but they will equally look at a 200 lb D-man and slapshots with no fear. Of course, they will also sit on top of their nets and swing their feet like little kids. Goalies, man.
So, there you go. Obviously, this isn't the whole team (hell, this isn't even everyone I like), but I'm on my phone and it's dying, so this is all you're getting tonight. Hope you liked it :)
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