Part 2
Title: Kono Ai.
Pairing: Akame, Kokame, Pin, implied TaNaka.
Rating: PG-13 (Amazing, I actually managed to do something non NC-17)
Summary: Kame is hurting, Jin is avoiding, Koki is uncharacteristically perceptive.
Disclaimer: I don't own them. If I did, I wouldn't be as broke as I am now.
A/N: I didn't actually bother to check the dates of all the events I mentioned in the fic, so if there are discrepancies, well, they'll just remain there. The fic is unbeta-ed, as per my usual laziness.
January 8, 2008
Koki is surprised by how normal Kame seems to be. Koki is the only one who knows how wrong that is. Kame copes with his problems by immersing himself in work. When he is upset, Kame tries to cram as many things into his schedule as possible. The fact that none of these signs that Kame was coping with it was coming up meant that Kame isn’t coping at all. And not knowing what method of self-destruction Kame was adopting worried Koki even more.
Which is why Koki finds himself in front of Akanishi’s apartment, pressing the doorbell. Akanishi answers the door with hair sticking up in all directions. Koki doesn’t even hesitate. He punches Akanishi in the gut. But he feels no satisfaction even as Akanishi keels over. Koki steps in and lets the door click shut behind him.
“You fucker!” Akanishi bellows when he’s recovered enough. He lunges at Koki. But Koki is prepared; he lands another jab on Akanishi’s face even as Akanishi knocks him against the wall, his head meeting the wall in a dull thud.
A whole brawl later, both men are seated in the middle of Akanishi’s apartment, breathless and with bruises and cuts all over.
“Are you going to explain what this is for, then?” Akanishi finally growls.
“Kazuya.”
“What?”
“Kazuya saw the two of you that day, you bastard. You and Yamashita. In your changing room.” Koki sees recognition and comprehension dawn on Akanishi as he explains. Akanishi is silent. “Well? Aren’t you going to make up excuses?”
Akanishi doesn’t look at him. He gets up instead and walks to the counter to pour himself a glass of water. “You said it yourself. They’d just be excuses.”
Koki is immediately angry again. He gets up to where Akanishi is and grabs him by the scruff of his collar. “So you’re just going to leave it at that? Do you have any idea how much tears he’s shed for you these past week? Do you have any idea how much everything you do affects him, you jerk? And now that you’ve ripped a big hole out of his heart you decide to leave him alone? What the fuck did you lead him on for? Who’s going to piece him back together now?”
“He has you, doesn’t he?!” Akanishi yells back at Koki finally. “I ran out after him when I realised what happened. I saw you and Kame. He doesn’t need me. I’m not good for him. I can only hurt him. You can heal him.”
Koki listens with a growing sense of dread. He has to remind himself that this is Bakanishi he’s talking to so that he doesn’t smack the other guy for sheer stupidity. “I can’t help him,” Koki says quietly. “Don’t you think I would have already if I could?” Koki takes a deep breath. “You’re the only one who can heal him or hurt him. No one else can replace the position you have in his heart.”
Koki lets go of Akanishi. He can’t believe he is the one who has to explain this to Akanishi. “He’s never wanted to compete with you in the first place. He’s only ever hoped that he wouldn’t be left behind by you. That you wouldn’t walk away from him with someone else you thin is better than him. He works so hard and pushes himself because of you! God knows you don’t deserve it, but Kazuya loves you! When are you going to get that into your thick head?” Koki realises that he too, is shaking. “He always has and he always will. Kazuya is that kind of person. You think he’s changed from the best friend you knew before when you were still boys. That’s because you never bothered to see that Kazuya loves you more than a friend ever could!” Koki knows he’s ranting, but he can’t stop the words he’s kept inside so long from spilling out now.
“This time, this place, these bonds will never disappear. Did you think he was just kidding?”
Akanishi, Koki thinks, is shocked into silence.
January 17, 2008
Koki knows Akanishi has been trying. But Kame has been adamant about not talking to Akanishi. Whenever Akanishi walks into the room, Kame will inevitably find an excuse to leave it. Kame does a lousy job of keeping up his claim that he isn’t affected by Akanishi, in Koki’s opinion. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing that they have to spend the whole day together filming the Lips PV then. Because at least now Kame can’t run away from his problem.
At first the tension is high. But by afternoon, Nakamaru’s usual silliness has warmed everyone up. Kame relaxes and goofs around too. They sing together between waiting for the crew to sort out their next shoot. Koki is relieved to hear Kame’s carefree singing again.
Their next break, Koki seeks out Akanishi. “Kazuya’s in a better mood now. You should try talking to him.”
Later, Koki spies Akanishi trying to strike a conversation with Kame when he thinks no one else is around. But Kame’s answers are never more than one word replies. Koki suppresses the urge to scream in frustration.
He wais till Akanishi finally gives up and walks away. Then he corners Kame. “What are you doing?” His tone is accusatory.
“Work, of course.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yes, I do. You’re the one who told him to come and talk to me, weren’t you?” Kame doesn’t sound happy at all. If anything, Koki figures Kame sound tired. “You’re not helping me, Koki. I know you mean well, but if he comes to me because of what you said, that’s not love. That’s sympathy. I’m tired of hoping. Being happy one day because I think we’ve gone back to being friends and then being let down the next because I’m just second wheel. I can’t take that anymore.”
And Koki realises that Kame is right in his own strange way. But Koki can’t help feeling that Kame was giving up too early. He doesn’t think what Akanishi feels for Kame is merely sympathy.
The time comes for their individual shots, but Koki still ponders over this. He doesn’t notice Nakamaru until the man stands right in front of him. “You look distracted,” he points out needlessly. Koki only nods. “Sometimes there’s a limit to what we can do,” Nakamaru says again, seemingly at nothing in particular. But Koki looks up immediately. Nakamaru shakes his head. “When we went to Hokkaido, I talked to him. I asked Akanishi why he never talks to Kamenashi anymore. He told me he doesn’t know how to without saying things that will hurt Kamenashi. He said it’s easier to be with Yamapi, because he’ll never have to worry about hurting Yamapi the way he always does Kamenashi.” Nakamaru smiles sadly. And Koki thinks sometimes they all forget that Nakamaru is the kindest of them all.
Nakamaru pats Koki’s shoulder. “Just believe. Sometimes that’s all we can do.”
January 24, 2008
Koki is surprised that Kame actually managed to squeeze time out of his busy schedule for the gathering of the cast of Tatta Hitotsu no Koi. But it is a good kind of surprise. Koki’s always enjoyed the younger man’s presence. His surprise quickly morphs into alarm when Kame hardly touches his food but merely keeps downing alcohol.
The rest of the cast don’t notice anything wrong, because they don’t know Kame. To many, Kame is a role model, untouchable. Hardly anybody thinks there’s a need to understand him. Koki tries to smile at some of the jokes being cracked over the table, but his heart isn’t into it.
“Eat some food, Kazuya,” Koki warns.
Kame pushes more food around his bowl, but never gets to putting them into his mouth. He drinks more sake.
At the end of the dinner, Koki stumbled through the door of the restaurant. A barely standing Kame in tow. Some of the more sober members of their congregation quickly leave after brief farewells. Koki struggles to hold Kame upright.
Then something falls from what Koki surmised must have been hidden inside Kame’s shirt. A necklace glints around Kame’s neck in the dim streetlight. A ring hangs from it. Koki never thought he would see the famous object again. But there it was, and there it belied Kame’s real feelings.
It’s a good thing Kame’s so drunk, because otherwise Koki would never be able to call Akanishi.
Akanishi picks up on the third ring. “Akanishi,” he drawls.
“It’s me,” Koki says. There is silence on the other end. “Kazuya-” Koki hesitates.
“Is he alright?” The question comes abruptly.
Koki hopes he’s doing the right thing. “He’s drunk himself wasted. I can’t bring him back. I’ve got to take care of the other guys. Come and pick him up.”
Akanishi doesn’t answer. Koki knows he doesn’t sound too convincing. “If you don’t get here in twenty minutes, I’ll have no choice but to leave Kazuya here.”
This prompts the man into action. “I hope you know he doesn’t want to see me,” he says solemnly. “But I’ll be there.” The line goes dead and Koki waits.
Akanishi takes only fifteen minutes. He arrives with his hair in disarray and his clothes untidy. He strides up to Koki, eyeing Kame uneasily. Koki waits for a beat, and then Akanishi suddenly tenses. Koki knows he sees the ring.
Koki holds Kame up. Akanishi snaps out of it and comes closer to help Koki. Koki seizes his chance and his hand shoots forward. Akanishi never had a chance, even with his conditioned reflex to dodge sudden attacks on his collar bone. Koki has never been good at gambling. But this time he knows he won’t lose. His hands are curled around a frail, thin chain. He sees Akanishi’s eyes widen with astonishment --- and resignation.
Koki hold the twin ring in his fist. He thrusts it upwards between them. “This,” he intones. “This is why Kazuya is still hanging on. It’s why you are too, aren’t you? I want to believe Nakamaru. I want to believe you.” He lets the ring fall from his fingers and stares at Akanishi. It pains him, but Koki has to say this. “I love Kazuya. I like to think that I lost him not to you, but what you two have shared long before I came into the picture. Don’t throw away something that obviously means so much to you.”
Akanishi swallows. Koki can see his Adam’s apple bob up and down. Koki thinks Akanishi looks pained. He is holding Kame like one would hold an infant, afraid Kame would break. “I’ve hurt him too much. I’ve hurt us too much. I don’t know if we can ever go back to the way we were.”
Koki shakes his head and forces a smile. He hands Kame over to Akanishi completely. He eyes the twin rings hanging from the chains around their necks. “You two have never changed. No matter how many people stand between you now, or if more will come to stand between you two in the future, what you’ve had together will never change.”
Asleep, Kame clutches onto Akanishi’s shirt. His head fits on Akanishi’s shoulder the way it will never fit on Koki’s. Koki doesn’t remember Kame ever looking so calm and contented. The recent times he’d seen Kame sleep on the set of Dreamboys, Kame was always fitful.
As Akanishi drives Kame away in his car later, Koki knows he is supposed to feel happy. He genuinely hopes that Kame can find happiness. But the moment the car is out of sight, Koki’s smile fades. He walks back to his empty house alone.
February 11, 2008
Kame never really had talent for singing or dancing. This is how Koki feels. Kame was considered ordinary in the pool of boys Johnny selected. Kame had talent for baseball, surely. But not singing. It was Akanishi who was talented in singing. Koki thinks Akanishi is blessed with a nice voice and body. Sometimes the gods just favour certain people. Kame had neither. Everything he has now is a product of his own hard work. Yet his very success now has made people forget that ordinary boy with unruly hair and thick eyebrows.
When the director yells at them (at Kame specifically) for the fifth time in half an hour, Koki feels the urge to shout back. ‘Kazuya is human!’ That is what he would retort. But Koki refrains from doing that, because he knows Kame would rather be scolded than let others speak up for his mistakes.
Koki also knows that Kame is distracted. Because Kame makes mistakes as often as Taguchi says something smart. And that is how Koki surmised that something must have happened. Akanishi jerks his hips in a suggestive fashion the way the director tells him to. Kame forgets his lyrics. Koki amends his thoughts. He knows something happened between Akanishi and Kame. And Koki doesn’t think it’s exactly a fight either.
“We’ll take five!” The director yells, throwing a nasty look at Kame. “Get your heads in order. I don’t want anymore slip-ups when you come back.”
Kame’s shoulders droop, Koki thinks Kame takes failures far too personally. He approaches Kame and loops an arm around the younger man’s shoulders cordially. He notices Akanishi pretending that he’s not looking at them. Koki steers them into somewhere with more privacy. “You’re out of sorts today,” he points out to Kame.
Kame looks up. His eyes look unfocused, dazed. “Yeah, I am,” he admits softly.
“Any reason why?” Koki pushes.
Kame pauses. Koki can tell from the way Kame bites his lips that Kame won’t tell.
“No. It’s nothing. I’m fine. Don’t worry.”
Koki feels a strange gnawing sensation in his gut. But he pats Kame’s head with a goofy smile like one would a younger brother. “If you say so. Let’s get back and show that cranky director what we’re made of.”
Kame smiles at Koki.
Five minutes into their practice again, Kame slips up. Although this time, Koki doubts anyone else notices it because when Kame misses a beat, Akanishi covers it with his harmony part. Only Koki catches Kame’s grateful look at Akanishi. In their dance segment next, Kame turns the wrong direction. Akanishi improvises and they end up dancing together, pressed close together while the other four members continue their original routine. The director notices, of course, but is rendered speechless by the flawless execution of it. This time, Koki is pretty sure he is not the only one who catches Kame’s smile.
In this instant Koki realises exactly how he and Akanishi are different. Had it been Koki, he would never have been able to sing Kame’s parts so smoothly and without hesitation. He would never have known the way Kame moves so completely that he can improvise moves that complement the both of them. All this not because Koki doesn’t know Kame well enough, but because he isn’t Akanishi.
The rest of practice proceeds without a hitch.
Koki watches Kame as he packs later, sitting on the reverse side of the chair, laying his head on the backrest. Koki doesn’t miss how Kame’s shoulders are no longer tensed the way they were before practice. Only Akanishi has that kind of effect on Kame.
It is then that Akanishi walks in. His eyes automatically land on Kame. He hesitates for a moment, and then comes closer. “Kame,” he says quietly. Even Koki can tell from Akanishi’s posture that he’s waiting for some sort of signal from Kame. But he gets none. “We need to talk.”
Kame continues packing. When he is done a few beats later, he finally looks up, anywhere but Akanishi. “I don’t think so. I have a dinner date with Koki.”
Koki has no recollection whatsoever of having made such a date with Kame. He does not appreciate being used as an excuse. “You can join us,” he offers from behind them.
Kame turns and shoots a look at Koki. Koki gives Kame his version of an innocent smile. Akanishi waits too long.
“No, you can’t,” Kame says, turning back to Akanishi. “I don’t think we should see each other so often. What happened was a mistake.”
Koki wishes he didn’t mind so much what the mistake could have been.
“I’m sorry I let it affect my work,” Kame continues. “But it’s not going to happen again. I appreciate what you did for me. And honestly, I’m tired of holding on. I don’t want to fight with you. I think for us, distance works best. Work is work, and I’ll still value you as a work partner. But we don’t function well as anything more.” Koki isn’t fooled by Kame’s tone. But the important thing is that he thinks Akanishi is. Kame picks up his bag and signals to Koki that he is leaving.
All this while Akanishi stands there mutely, shoulders slumped. Koki sighs inwardly and gets his things, following Kame out.
They’re not five steps away from the door before Kame stops walking. He mutters something that sounds like ‘hang on for a moment’ to Koki and dashes back into the room.
Koki waits for half a minute, and he is dismayed that he finds himself retracing his steps, straining to hear what is being said beyond the walls. He hears only bits and fragments.
“…I can never hate you…just want you to be happy… if that means you have to be with Yamapi… don’t expect me to stay your side… don’t give me hope if you can’t carry it out…”
Koki sighs. Old wounds, he knows, never completely heal after all.
February 22, 2008
Kame is a strange one. At least, that’s how Koki sees it. Because Kame seemed determined to spend his birthday being as busy as he could possibly be. Before Koki could have anything to do with it, he’d already volunteered to continue filming Pound no Fukuin on his birthday. He’s had dinner the night before at his parents’. Kame tells Koki he doesn’t intend to spend the day off he has one day before his birthday doing anything except laze around at home watching drama he’s never had time to watch. And because Koki thinks spending birthdays alone are a sad thing, they compromise. Koki shows up early in the morning with bentos, an abundance of booze, cake and a wide grin.
They spend the morning lounging around on Kame’s posh Persian rug in front of the TV. Koki rolls over to where Kame is lying. The TV is showing something on Japan’s famous onsens. He nudges Kame with an elbow and drops something onto Kame’s flat stomach. “Happy birthday,” he murmurs.
Kame turns to look at him, surprised. “Koki, you didn’t have to-”
The sound of Kame’s doorbell cuts the younger man off. Koki grins. “Silly, I want to. At least one of us can remember to bring presents.”
Kame has the grace to look sheepish. He nudges Koki back and gets up to answer the door. Koki laughs and sits up too, watching as Kame wanders over to open the door.
Akanishi stands in the doorway.
For a tense moment no one says anything. Then Akanishi’s eyes land on Koki in the background. He stumbles over his words. “I- I thought- your birthday- um…” Koki thinks Akanishi looks like a deer caught in headlights; that he’s going to run away any moment. “Maybe now is not such a good time. I’ll… see you some other time.” Akanishi turns to leave.
There is something about Akanishi’s back that looks forlorn. Koki is almost about to say something. Kame beats him to it. “Stay,” he calls out after the retreating back. Immediately after, Kame wrings his hands as though he doesn’t know what to do with them. “I mean… Koki’s brought to much food. We can’t finish everything.”
Akanishi stops. Haltingly, he turns back. His eyes flicker from Kame to Koki and then back to Kame again. “Are you sure? I don’t want to… intrude.”
Koki sees, even from where he sits, the way Akanishi’s gaze drops as he says this.
“Don’t be daft,” Koki interjects loudly. “Two’s hardly a celebration. I’m just trying to make sure Kazuya doesn’t become a hermit.”
Akanishi smiles hesitantly at this. Kame throws a glare at Koki and searches for something to change the subject.
He spies something Akanishi is holding. “What’s that?” Kame asks.
Akanishi looks furtive. “Oh. This. It’s your present.” He hands the box from the plastic to Kame. “Happy birthday.”
Kame stares at the box.
“I know today isn’t your birthday yet. But you have a shoot tomorrow and I thought… I mean… You can open it. If you want… I mean…”
Kame opens it. And Koki knows from the expression on Kame’s face that he is pleasantly surprised.
“It’s… I like it. Thank you.” Kame smiles.
Akanishi smiles too. Relieved. Koki gets up to peer at the present. What he sees makes his heart sink.
A dark brown wrist belt. Koki knows the price.
Kame picks this inopportune moment to remember. “Say. Koki was just showing his present for me too…”
Koki rushes to where Kame left the box, snatching it up before Kame’s fingers touch it. “I brought the wrong one,” he says hurriedly. Kame looks bewildered. Akanishi looks bemused. “I got it mixed up with another friend’s,” Koki invents quickly.
“Ehh?” Kame exclaims. “And you say I’m forgetful.” Koki sees the beginning of a pout. For someone who just said it didn’t matter whether or not he had presents, Kame sure makes a fuss, Koki thinks. He taps Kame on the forehead playfully.
“I’ll give it to you tomorrow. Before your shoot.”
Kame grins like a child granted his wish for sweets. And just like that, his attention shifts.
Koki looks up and finds Akanishi still staring at him. Koki looks away first. He gets the creepy feeling that if he looks back at Akanishi too long, the other would be able to read his thoughts.
Much later, the cake is half gone. Half a dozen of empty beer bottles roll about Kame’s floor. Koki doesn’t remember falling asleep. Especially not on Kame’s couch. He does remember though, the three of them talking and playing cards. Akanishi had behaved awkwardly at first, but gradually, with Koki’s efforts, everyone warmed up. It was the most relaxed Koki had seen Kame in weeks. Now, the cards lie abandoned on the table. Akanishi and Kame are nowhere in sight.
As Koki sits up, he hears two voices. Harsh whispers that sound like two people quarrelling. Only they were doing it quietly so as not to wake him up. Koki realises that this is what roused him from his sleep anyway. He pads softly over to the room the sounds come from.
The door is ajar and Koki can hear them clearly now. He peers through the crack between the door and sees Akanishi holding Kame captive against the wall.
“… never cared before. I don’t see why you should start now.” Koki hears Kame say.
“I just didn’t know how! I always end up hurting you. It’s easier to pretend I don’t care.”
There’s a pause.
“Maybe that’s the way it should be. We’re not meant to be anything else. Let me go!”
Koki can’t see everything. But there is a soft thud, and sounds of a struggle. Eventually, nothing.
“I love you Kazu. I always did. I’m sorry I was too much of a coward to admit it. I’m sorry I was selfish. Don’t push me away.”
There is another pause. This time longer. Koki isn’t surprised to hear the slight tremble of Kame’s voice when he speaks again. “You’re always like this. Always doing what you want. Always hurting me then doing this sort of things to confuse me. I never know when you’re telling the truth…” Kame trails off. Koki knows it’s because Kame can’t bring himself to say anymore.
“Sorry, Kazu. I’m so sorry. Don’t cry. Sorry…” Akanishi keeps apologizing. Repeating it like a mantra, gathering Kame into his arms.
Koki decides he has seen enough. He walks back to the living room, picks up the identical present he picked for Kame and leaves the flat as quietly as possible.
~TBC~
Please R&R! :D