(no subject)
I'm ..... you know what, fuck hope. Fuck that "There's a good chance that you won't have to have a surgery." Bullshit. There never was a fucking chance. Here I am in a hospital, alone, about to be told that I have to have a surgery, number 5 if anyone is counting. And things looked so good, that tube in my nose was only draining about 100 ml of stuff, which is great, so the IV was set at like 12.5. Now today it's back where it should be, the tube is draining about 300 ml and the IV is at 62.5. Time to drug me up and cut me open. Not that there's any risk involved. I'm sick of doctors and nurses coming in and babying me. I'm going to college in the fall, I don't need a fucking little kids bandade. I'm in Pediatrics so naturally treat me like a little kid. I've taken to not even talking to them anymore, I just glare and they get the picture. Last night I glared and the nurse got me some morphine, that was advantageous. This shit always happens to me. I'm tired of it. Tired of missing out. Tired of not being able to see my friends. Tired of my entire body being in pain, tired of being too stubborn to ask for drugs, but still keeping bitterly silent. Well I'll tell you what, I'll be damned if I miss out on that concert. I will do everything in my power to get out of here, even if I have to pull these tubes out and walk out on my own. Sorry about all of the bitching, I'm sure a few people can empathize and most can sympathize, but still I shouldn't be bitching this much. Normally I wouldn't but I trust you guys. Trust you to be able to deal with my darkness. I was doing so well to. I took Liz's advice and really started working through the shit in my head. Now this, it doesn't help so much. God, this is pointless. Sorry. If this bothers anyone, well you don't have to read it... I'm bitter and dark, my body is a wreck, my mind is quickly following because of endless hours spent staring at nothing, and I can't even help my friends with their problems, normally that would provide me with some comfort. I need help in a bad way, but none shall be delivered... bye