Puck Watches Stagecoach...

[dark_puck]

...and then shares it with you.

Stagecoach
Walter Wagner
John Ford (director)

• And we have entered the stage of the Talking Picture!
• Open with fake Natives on the prowl, cut to two cowboys and some soldiers
• Oddly, not playing Reveilles.
• Holy crap they actually distinguish between the tribes. "He's a Cheyenne"
• GERONIMOOOOOOOOOO
• "Tonto" Hotel - a reference to the Lone Ranger?
• How polite. He took off his hat to the lady.
• They're in Arizona. No wonder everyone is white.
• Black coat, white hat. Is that John Wayne? Prolly not. Need a closeup. He's a "Notorious Gambler".
• Oho the wells fargo wagon is a comin' down the street
• And a sudden legion of women escorting another woman to the stage. I suspect a Holy Women's Committee. And confirmed! Oh, morality hens.
• And the drunk begs for another drink before he goes. And wins!
• "My name is Peacock."  Oops, haycock.
• The "Law and Order League".  MORALITY HENS.
• The morality hens escort the Lady of the Night and the drunk to the stage.
• Lord but that is a small stage.
• And we have an Ill Girl.  "You shouldn't travel a step with that creature."  MORALITY HEN.
• It is the soldier escort to make sure No Trouble comes to everyone! Let's see how long they last.
• "GERONIMO well then I'm not-"
  "Sit down, son."
• "NO YOU CANNAE LEAVE WITH THE WHISKY"
• Hello, gambler! He is along to offer "protection" to the lady! But not the prostitute.
• "Farewell ladies!"
  *shriek, hear/see/speak no evil*
• Christ but this film is loud.
• Ah, painted backdrops.
• Smart man to sit between the ladies.
• Let's see how smug you are when the Evil Natives turn up.
• Aha! There's John Wayne! So I have no idea who Gambler is, except he's real thin and reminds me of Vincent Price. God alone knows why.
• Oh, look! Fellas on opposite ends of the Civil War!
• "What happened to your brother? :D"
  "He was murdered."
  *awkward silence*
• The outlaw keeps the peace! :D Oh, young John Wayne.
• John Wayne is "Ringo the Kid", or just "Ringo". Coachmen call him "Kid".
• "Aren't you gonna ask the other lady first?"
  *awkward silence is awkward*
• Hatfield shows an Ace of Spades before deciding. Gambler.
• Thank you, Doc, we didn't need a speech. Yes or no, you only need one word.
• "Do you wanna go back or no?"
  "No! I want another drink."
• Peacock apparently.
• "I want to go back to the bosoms- soldiers."
• "Siddown here, ma'am."
  *awkward silence*
• I bet Kid knows she's a prostitute and gives no fucks.
• Silent glares between the ladies?
• MORALITY HEN
• Kid doesn't like this. But the lady doesn't want him to leave her all alone.
• Gambler do not hit on the married woman.
• "You've been very kind. Why?"
• Ahhhh. He was in her father's regiment.
• SEXUAL TENSIOOOOOON.
• "You break out of prison once-"
• Oh honey, he won't stay in jail.
• And there go the soldiers. GOOD LUCK WITH THE APACHES, CIVILIANS. THEY SURELY WON'T ATTACK NOW.
• Handsome young buck of a soldier, though.
• Nice dissolve.
• Be slyer with your whisky drinking
• GOP guy in the wagon!
• No seriously the banker is using current GOP/Tea Party arguments.
• Morality hen, the hooker is trying to be nice.
• Morality hen appears to be motion-sick. Or just really dehydrated. But she is Ill Girl for this picture.
• Ooooh. TV Tropes says Ill Girl is preggers. That would explain some things.
• Dust storm rollin' in, it seems to be.  Lotsa wind.
• Doc Boone cares not that you have a living to make, Whisky Salesman! You have booze!
• Doc Boone seems to be the only one I'm giving a name to. Him and Kid.
• So we have Gambler, Prostitute, Morality Hen, Doc Boone, Whisky Salesman, GOP Banker Asshole (Banker) and Kid.
• "There ain't no soldiers!"
  "HUH?!"
• And down Morality Hen goes.  Labour is likely on the way. GOOD THING THERE IS A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
• TV Tropes marks this as a B Movie.
• "COFFEE. I NEED COFFEE IF I AM TO DELIVER A CHILD. THIS COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF I WASN'T DRUNK."
• Calm down, Peacock.
• Okay, I lied, Whisky Salesman gets a name because it's easier to type Peacock.
• It is a weirdly quiet labour.
• The keeper's wife has a lovely rich voice.
• I need to look up this song, see if it tells the plot or not. I heard cantar and las lovers. Or something similar. SPANISH SPEAKERS I NEED YOU.
• That was a weird cut.
• Flute for the wolf. Coyote.  interesting.
• And there's the baby wail!
• Oh my god Prostitute gets to carry the baby out.
• And the men all crowd round to look.
• Smoking
• "I need a stiff drink."
• "HIP HIP-"
  "Quiet."
  "But-"
  "Quiet."
• Peacock is a thoughtful man. Or he doesn't want the baby to wake and wail.
• And Kid follows prostitute out.
• CAAAAAAAAAAAAN YOU FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL THE LOOOOOOOOOVE TONIIIIIIIIIGHT (toniiiiiiiiight)
• "But you don't know me."
  Honey, he don't care.
• GOP Banker Asshole heard the word "rob" and freaks out. But he didn't get robbed.
• ...I need subtitles. The actors don't enunciate.
• Are the women reluctantly making friends?
• "Doctor, do you think my husband-"
  "Never mind about him!"
• Shut the fuck up, Banker. The baby and his mother need to rest.
• "If I only have one hour to live, I'm gonna enjoy it!"
• And we arrive in Lordsburg the ferry crossing to DOOOOOOOOOOOM. And also burning buildings.
• Are we fording the river in the wagon? That never works! You always sink! And then lose three oxen and die of dysentery.
• And the Apaches are ominously approaching? The music sounds like it.
• Nope, there they are!
• My, Geronimo, you look particularly white today.
• "Well, now that the danger's passed…" YOU DID THAT. LOOK WHAT YOU DID.
• And on cue, Peacock is shot!  Can't tell if fatal or not.
• THROAT PUNCH TO BANKER. AWESOME.
• You really can't do this in modern cinema. PC aside, the "villains" have no motivation. Well, no known motivation.
• That's a lot of falling forward off the horse.
• JUMPING FROM THE COACH ON TO THE HORSES. YES!
• …that can't be comfortable. no saddle.
• Waiting to run out of ammo -- there they go, all at once.
• One bullet left.  For mercy.
• OMINOUS MUSIC
• And then Gambler dies before he can shoot Morality Hen.
• ENTER THE CALVARY!
• Sadly not playing Calvary music.
• ….okay, now Gambler is done.
• DO YOU MIND, TRUMPETER, WE HAVE A DEAD MAN HERE.
• And Prostitute has to give up the baby. Sorrow.
• And the ladies are friends! Having bonded over the baby and the post-labour.
• Nifty trick with the shadows on our soon-to-die man.
• Aces and eights. John Ford code for Time To Die, or so TV Tropes tells me.
• Awww, everyone made nice with Prostitute.
• GOP ASSHOLE BANKER JUST GOT ARRESTED. YAY.
• Kid enters, and silence falls. Which means shootout time is near.
• HAI DOC
• I really dislike silence in a film it gets me even more tense than Tense Music.
• Plummer: "SHOTGUN!"
  Bartender: *gets the shotgun* *then takes the mirror off the wall and hides it*
• "Don't ever let me do that again."
• They dragged this incoming shootout out way too long.
• One on three? One wins.
• Mickey mousing on each step!
• And they cut away after the first shot. Cheaters.
• Okay, that was a nice fakeout.
• And doing what's right isn't always the law! :D Yay.
• "Well, they're saved the blessings of civilisation."