On a Train they call the City of New Orleans...
The eternal shift on pause, I'm left alone with the computer. It's a Guthrie night. Visions of other lives flash through my head, and I wonder why I'm here. My father rode freight trains for nights or weeks at a time. So did his fater. I've dreamed of tramping, jumping a train and never coming home. Many, many, many times. It's always a case of "just give me one more reason..."
The killing joke never seems to come, and I'm left unsatisfied for another year.
It's peculiar. You think you don't care. You force yourself not to care, 'cause it's a hell you know you can't live with. But a tone of voice, a muffled whisper and your demons come into the fore. I promised myself no booze tonight. Another broken promise. I suppose if I break promises to myself I'm not betraying anyone I really care about, but fuck it all. Things break around me all the time- dreams, promises and hearts. Glasses occasionally, and my portable phone, but that was the fridge. I deny all responsibility once it left my hand.
This isn't where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be an action hero in my own novel- A caped crusader defending Spanish Harlem. Or a grizzled and wise tramp, locked with an inability to turn my back on the needy.
Instead I stand aside and watch life whirl by, the colors leaching as I pull myself farther and farther out of view. And it sucks that only the fairy stapled to my spine cares.
I can hear her screaming against my ribs, and I wonder if the lady who put her there can hear it. She was supposed to find me when I got lost. I suppose she got lost herself.
Time for a refill.
A litany for the Lost-
Kitty Brown, Tatoo artist and beacon.
Jake- friend and pillar in my lost night.
Luke- The prettiest man I've ever met. He told me that it wasn't worth my soul.
Michelle- Piercer who stripped my flesh and held my hand in flight from betrayal
Amanda- Toughest carney in NC. Watched my back and defended my sanctuary from dark things.
Shannon- gayest Skinhead in Boston. Showed me kindness and brutality in the same stroke.
Tom- Showed me that you only have to say "I love you" until you can take what you want
Lily- Elfin prodigy who needs only when she can't get. Fuck you and may your husband be all that you deserve.
Another litany another night.
A thousand lovers haunt your past, How many recall your name?
I heard you say all cats are grey,
at night they're all the same.
The Marionettes
The killing joke never seems to come, and I'm left unsatisfied for another year.
It's peculiar. You think you don't care. You force yourself not to care, 'cause it's a hell you know you can't live with. But a tone of voice, a muffled whisper and your demons come into the fore. I promised myself no booze tonight. Another broken promise. I suppose if I break promises to myself I'm not betraying anyone I really care about, but fuck it all. Things break around me all the time- dreams, promises and hearts. Glasses occasionally, and my portable phone, but that was the fridge. I deny all responsibility once it left my hand.
This isn't where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be an action hero in my own novel- A caped crusader defending Spanish Harlem. Or a grizzled and wise tramp, locked with an inability to turn my back on the needy.
Instead I stand aside and watch life whirl by, the colors leaching as I pull myself farther and farther out of view. And it sucks that only the fairy stapled to my spine cares.
I can hear her screaming against my ribs, and I wonder if the lady who put her there can hear it. She was supposed to find me when I got lost. I suppose she got lost herself.
Time for a refill.
A litany for the Lost-
Kitty Brown, Tatoo artist and beacon.
Jake- friend and pillar in my lost night.
Luke- The prettiest man I've ever met. He told me that it wasn't worth my soul.
Michelle- Piercer who stripped my flesh and held my hand in flight from betrayal
Amanda- Toughest carney in NC. Watched my back and defended my sanctuary from dark things.
Shannon- gayest Skinhead in Boston. Showed me kindness and brutality in the same stroke.
Tom- Showed me that you only have to say "I love you" until you can take what you want
Lily- Elfin prodigy who needs only when she can't get. Fuck you and may your husband be all that you deserve.
Another litany another night.
A thousand lovers haunt your past, How many recall your name?
I heard you say all cats are grey,
at night they're all the same.
The Marionettes