It's time once again
Me: You can never truly learn to appreciate the humour of 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' book until you've observed the truly abysmal humour of 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' movie.
Audrey: I hate laptops, they're so heavy.
Me: You should try lugging a desktop PC around on your back.
Audrey: Have you actually done that?
Me: No, just providing perspective.
(While debating whether or not the character of Hope in Final Fantasy XIII is androgynous)
Me: It's time for "Boy or Girl?" *holds a picture of Hope up for an objective panel of observers*
Haaris: Boy!
Quang: *at the exact same time* Girl!
Me: Damnit!
Me: The best part of FFXII was finding out Larsa was a guy. I was like "Wait, what!?"
(Due to a mistype Miss Cantrill has set the task to give a 'piratical' example of environmental determinism)Matt: Walking the plank.
Me: *after being called a butt pirate* Yar, and I'll plunder yer booty.
Me: I kinda want to take philosophy, but I don't want to waste three years at Uni taking philosophy.
Elaine: Don't think of it as three years wasted taking philosophy, think of it as three years wasted at the pub while you're meant to be taking philosophy.
Me: *reading a question in Biology* 'Some scientists were trying to isolate an enzyme in milk so they could insert it into rice and use the modified rice to create a drink to treat diarhoea in third world countries....' Wait, hang on. Why didn't they just give them the milk?
Mr. Bowles: .... That's a good question.
Yasmin: *trying to sing along to 'Don't Stop Believing'* The train goes on and on and on and... nah nah nah nah Boulevard!
Ms. Cantrill: *writing work for the next class on the whiteboard* Write a haiku about Easter.
Me: *counting syllables on my fingers* Jesus died for us. Now we eat choc-o-late eggs. Why do we do that?
Ms. Cantrill: *laughing* Very good.
Emily: My feet are cold and wet.
Me: But on the plus side you have really nice shoes.
Emily: Yeah, I really like them.
Hanna: Where did you get them?
Emily: Well after I got them we had to go to this farm and there were ducks, and the ducks didn't like anyone else but me and they sat on my feet and I was like "Thanks for ruining my shoes".
Karl: But where did you get them?
Emily: Oh... Asda.
Me: *clock starts chiming a sunbeam falls on me* God loves me.
Hanna: This song has been going on for ages, is it repeating itself?
Me: Either that or we're in a time loop. *pause* Either that or we're in a time loop.
Hanna: This song has been going on for ages...
Me: Wanna play 'Who are they? Where are they going?'
Hanna: We can't really, we're not by a window.
Me: *looking around* We could play it with the other people in the room.
Hanna: It's not so much fun when they can hear you.
Me: Yeah. 'Who are they? Where are they going?' It's us and we're running away from people we annoyed.
Alex: *after Emily poked me and hurt her finger in doing so* Karma in action.
Shep: Cheer up.Me: *putting my iPod away* I was just listening to the RENT soundtrack. It's hard to look happy with the RENT soundtrack, especially if it's Angel's funeral song.
Hanna: *over-dramatically* She's dead!
Me: It's a he.
Hanna: *over-dramatically* He's dead! ... That's the transvestite character, right?
Me: Yeah.
Hanna: So my mistake was understandable.
Shep: You have FAIDS.
Me: What's FAIDS?
Shep: AIDS of the face.
Me: I can't get FAIDS. I'm a mage. I exist partially within the Fade at all times, it's how I perform my magic. *check pockets* Oh damn! I left my materia at home!
Everyone: *wtf looks of vary degress of magnitude*
Me: I'm gonna stop out-nerding myself now... he hopes.
Me: Wow, that was lame.
Hanna: Hey, I'm only human.
Me: What about your implant?
Hanna: Okay, I'm mostly only human.
Mum: I just want you to be careful.
Me: I am.
Mum: ... and always use a condom.
Me: I will.
Mum: ... because I'm too young to be a grandmother.
Me: I... wait, huh?
Mum: Oh, I mean... I'm too young to, for you to...?
Me: You don't want me to get AIDS?
Mum: Yeah, that'll do. That.
Hanna: *looking through a dream interpretation book*
Me: What are you doing?
Hanna: Looking up the meaning of wasps.
Me: Why?
Hanna: You threw a wasp at me and it stung me.
Me: No, I didn't!
Hanna: In the dream.
Me: Well I would never do that. You clearly fail at dreaming.
Hanna: *checking a text* Yes I am.
Me: You are what?
Hanna: *shows me a text I'd sent half an hour ago asking if she was on her way*
Me: I hate my phone sometimes.
Me: *after someone offered me another drink* No thanks, I'm good. Lawful Good actually. I have to be, being a Paladin and all. Can't gain experience if my alignment does the wacky.
Me: *after Yasmin took a shot of absinthe* Seeing the Green Fairy yet, or should I go get some facepaint?
Yasmin: *about some hair gel* It looks like jizz.
Me: It does not! *takes the pot* It's far too milky in colour and creamy in texture, also the consistency is too thick. I'm a connoisseur of jizz, I know these things.
Me: Welcome to the Paint-Drying Channel. Coming up next 'Watching Grass Grow' followed by Golf.
Me: You're currently watching the Women's Tennis, continuing in that vein we have some softcore pornography coming up next.
Me: Computer has performed an illegal operation and will now be sued for medical negligence.
Hanna: *observing my room* I really need to stop buying you posters of half naked women.
Mr. Bowles: This question is a free-for-all so fingers on buzzards.
Me: Squawk!
Mr. Bowles: What?
Me: You said buzzards.
Mr. Bowles: Oh, so I did.
Me: *after tripping* Minus two to dexterity. *pause* Plus eight nerd EXP.
Haaris: *wearing a box on his head* I am Haaris Prime. Or wait, Optimus Khan.
Ms. Cantrill: *singing* We're going on a pen hunt. We're going on a pen hunt. I'm not scared, no I'm not scared. Oh, a big airy corridor. Can't go under it, can't go over it, we'll have to go through it.
Younger kids waiting in the corridor: *wtf looks*
Me: Just a quick query, nothing too serious but... why is there a microscope in the fridge?
Me: Oz is not a consumerist society, you morons!
(On May 5th)
Hanna: It was Star Wars Day yesterday.
Me: Seriously?
Hanna: Yep, May the Fourth be with you.
Me: *laugh*
Hanna: And tomorrow it's Return of the Sixth.
Hanna: The Lib Dems are the ones who haven't had a chance to fuck the country up yet, right?
Me: Yeah.
Hanna: Well I think I'll vote for them then, give them that chance to fuck up.
Me: I think the weirdest part of Genesis is when it starts listing all the "who beget Noah, who beget Jacob, who beget Isaaih, who beget Jananalala..."
Mark: I know, most of them don't do anything; what are they there for?
Me: For the action figures?
Hanna: I don't like him, he gives me the wiggins.
Me: Wait, we say wiggins now?
Hanna: Well, why not?
Me: Good point. I agree by the way, he totally gives me the wig.
(Watching Glee, Rachel has just started listening to the tape of 'I Dreamed A Dream' recorded by her mother)
Sam: Oh my god, her mom's Susan Boyle.
Me: *accusingly* You shower naked!
Hanna: *looking confused* And you... don't?
Me: *dramatic voice* Do not miss out on the exciting berry picking action that is: Star Ocean.
Ashley: *defensively* It gets better.
Me: *sarcastically* Yeah, soon I might be able to start mining!
Me: *watching Hitman Reborn* That doesn't make sense... That also doesn't make sense... He's an idiot... That really doesn't make sense... I've never met logic like this before, this is most definitely not Earth logic.
(Sharrie had been locked out of the common room and was banging his head against the window)
Matt: Looks a lot like Artie when he's stressed out at Sectionals.
Me: *thoughtfully* Maybe we should start singing 'You Can't Always Get What You Want'.
Yasmin: I need to go buy food and lunch.
Me: Wait, food and lunch? Are you gonna buy food for charitable causes before you worry about eating yourself... *mimes eating own wrist* ... I only realised what it sounded like after I'd said it so I just went with it.
Elisabeth: That's the downside to watching a man pee.
Hayley: What is a shellsuit?
Me: Fashion's biggest disaster!
Hanna: I think you just out-gayed yourself.
Me: It's the material they use to make tents cut to form bulky, badly coloured tracksuits.
Hayley: I'm thirsty.
Hanna: There's a river there.
Hayley: I'm not drinking out of the river; I'll get a belly full of tadpoles and then I'll be shitting out frogs.
Matt: Is it spelled phenomenon or phenomenom?
Me: Well I'll tell you what it's definitely not, phe-nom-nom-nom.
(Shep and Elisabeth are kissing when Shep's phone starts playing the Final Fantasy Victory Fanfare)
Me: You got kissing EXP.
Me: I really need to stop making biology related jokes. No-one gets them but me.
Ashley: *playing Tomb Raider Underworld* Thor's Hammer is a little small.
Me: It's not the size of the hammer, it's the nail you're throwing it at.
Me: Oh no, the Wookiepedia. I don't think I have enough nerd EXP to survive here. The big boy nerds might beat me up and steal all my jrpgs.
Yasmin: Kaylie bought Pineapple Sourz.
Me: Why didn't you tell me this before?
Yasmin: I didn't think it mattered.
Me: Yas, it's pineapple! Pineapple is like crack to me.
Me: If you want an attractive baby, shag an attractive person.
Me: Behold, my plot hand!
Me: *reading a random questionnarie* 'Would you make a good Bond villain?' Well, I'm crazy enough to want my own island but I'm also practical enough to rely on bullets and not elaborate death machines, so I guess no.
Me: I think the thing I hate most about FPSs is that the people who tend to be really good at them, and consequently really cocky when playing them, are the kind of people who'd cack their pants in a real combat situation.
Me: *watching Sam and Ashley play the Nazi Zombie minigame* Nazi Zombies? Isn't that a bit of an overkill, I mean zombies and Nazis are both targets in video games because it won't piss anyone off and cause controversy, you don't need both.
Sam: I think it's because every game has zombies in it now, so they're trying to crowbar the zombies in while keeping it close to the heart of the game.
Me: The heart being yet another WW2 game?
Sam: Yup.
Ashley: *upon hearing Gary Puckett and the Union Gap's "Young Girl"* This is a little... weird.
Me: Lolita.
Ashley: Yeah, actually that about sums it up.