My timing.
For a long while, pretty much all of my life, my timing has been terrible.
Jillian is someone I really care for. Love, even. (yes, it's only been a short time, but it's not something I fully grasp, but it is what it is.)
Unfortunately, Jillian is in a messed up place right now. She is trying to be single, and trying to figure out what she needs, what she wants.
I wish things had begun differently between us. I wish things hadn't escalated so quickly. Because then this wouldn't be so hard.
But I have to take the feelings I've accepted, and the feelings that she has expressed back to me ( I am intelligent enough, and empathic enough to know that this is not just a mirror of my feelings, I know she feels this way.) and ... I don't know.
I ... feel like ass, but feeling like ass makes me feel worse, because I don't want to make HER burden any worse. And yet, I have done that.
I feel like I want to cry, but my mind won't let me. It says "Don't cry for this." and so I just kind of have an ache.
I'm only writing this all down here publicly, because I know she doesn't read this. I doubt she even knows about it.
But just... fuck. I wasn't ready for this outcome.
I feel like that, combined with everything else, and I'm just going to fall.
I dunno.
I'm done.
-RyAn
Jillian is someone I really care for. Love, even. (yes, it's only been a short time, but it's not something I fully grasp, but it is what it is.)
Unfortunately, Jillian is in a messed up place right now. She is trying to be single, and trying to figure out what she needs, what she wants.
I wish things had begun differently between us. I wish things hadn't escalated so quickly. Because then this wouldn't be so hard.
But I have to take the feelings I've accepted, and the feelings that she has expressed back to me ( I am intelligent enough, and empathic enough to know that this is not just a mirror of my feelings, I know she feels this way.) and ... I don't know.
I ... feel like ass, but feeling like ass makes me feel worse, because I don't want to make HER burden any worse. And yet, I have done that.
I feel like I want to cry, but my mind won't let me. It says "Don't cry for this." and so I just kind of have an ache.
I'm only writing this all down here publicly, because I know she doesn't read this. I doubt she even knows about it.
But just... fuck. I wasn't ready for this outcome.
I feel like that, combined with everything else, and I'm just going to fall.
I dunno.
I'm done.
-RyAn