And people wonder why I am psycho.....(Extremely long entry)
I swear someone is determined to push me over the edge. I received a response letter from Shawn Michael Saturday. Normally I would not put the entire letter in here, but I want to be able to make this entire point. This is what Shawn Michael wrote me:
"I was not even going to write you this letter. Well for one thing, I have not hiden anything from you! So you can cut the shit and ask me what you want to know? Screw all your run around questions because I am sick/have been sick of your not trusting me! I only put up with it because I love u & that I thought that you deserved to be told the truth! I could tell you anything that I feel like telling you & I could still not tell you what you are looking for? So, once I say my peace here you need to tell me what is going on?
1) No, I have not done anything behind you back!
2) No, I have not hide anything from you!
3) NO, NO, NO I was not seeing anyone there, but I was talking to 2 girls because of Jessie, & the one was messing with me & I gave her the house address & not ever thinking any of them would come to the house!
4) It was more than one time that I did what I did to get here.
5) No, as far as I know I did not do anything that would some how come back on you and hurt you
6) The only thing that I did was get some of your sisters software cd's because I was going to use them and put them back & I also got your sisters 20gb put in my computer because I wanted to make sure that I would take over a 15gb hd because the mother board was an old mmx motherboard, but I never got the chance to put the stuff back.
NO TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I AM SICK OF ALWAYS HAVING TO THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE I DON'T TELL YOU ANYTHING I AM HIDING SOMETHING!
NOW IF YOU WANT TO FUCKING RUN FROM ME AGAIN SO BE IT, TELL ME SO!
ALSO, I NEED MY SISTERS ADDRESS IF YOU WOULD SEND IT IN YOUR NEXT NO MATTER WHAT YOU DECIDE!
SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF TRUST & HONESTY, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN PLANNING TO SEE CHARLES?
See where you fall to understand is that since I have been back in prison this time, I fully understand that all the time I was home you truly wasn't with me! What I mean is that you was always with someone else, David, Paul, Joe, Mardi. Now how the hell do you think I felt all these years?
BETRAYED BY YOU BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER TRULY HAVE YOUR HEART!
p.s this is on you, if you do not tell me what it is you want to know specifically so be it! take my stuff to my moms/sisters house so you will not be bothered by someone you refuse/will not or/eve cannot seem to trust or love properly. so hopefully you choose wisely & if not so be it! what ever comes, comes & i will deal with it once i get home (whre ever that may be)?
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DECIDE OR CHOOSE I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS WILL
i truly think that you have made a choice already for your future once January 2005 comes round, and i do not think that you want/even need me in the picture?
DO NOT GET ME WRONG I WANT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE, BUT NOT IF I WILL NEVER BE TRULY WELCOME!
OH, your sisters bike is most likely at the akron universities police sub-station, you should be able to get it from there.
God WILL LET HAPPEN WHAT THIS WILL BE AFTER THIS
Do not get mad at this letter because it is not to hurt but to understand." And he writes on the envelope "You have already decided to leave me - Good-bye if it must be this way"
I am so angry over the whole fucking situation. When I talked to Gretchen about it Wed. night she said that it sounds to her like Shawn Michael doesn't like to take responsibility for his actions. Yeah, that's a major understatement. I believe that he is a habitual lier and doesn't even know that he is lying half the damn time. And what is this shit about how he wasn't seeing anyone else but talking to another girl and gave her MY house address? That makes me wonder if she ever came over and if they were fucking in my house while I was at work or something? I was not "with" anyone else the entire time he was living w/me. Yes, when he first moved in I was getting over Mardi, but that's natural. Mardi and I had just basically broken up. I had tried to end my communications w/Charles Anthony when I really thought that Shawn Michael and I were going to try to make things work, but that back-fired (so-to-speak). Charles and I have remained friends only throughout our communications until just recently when we have been talking about how we hope things work out between the two of us as more than just friends. I am through w/Shawn's tired-out bullshit! He seriously needs to grow the fuck up and realize that there is more to life then people feeling sorry for him. This is the letter that I wrote him right after I found out that he had taken the money from the box:
"9/18/04 It is amazing how much things can change in 2 days… especially when I find out the truth about things. You son-of-a-bitch!!!!! How could you fucking steal from me? After everything I done for you and gave to you, you fucking stole money from me that held true sentimental value to me? Don’t even for one second sit there and pretend that you didn’t do it, because you were the only one that knew there was money in that box and you were the only one that knew where the key to the box was. I can’t fucking believe you. This just makes it all that much easier for me to believe that it probably was you that stole all my cd’s too. What did you do, take them down to CD Exchange and sell them? And yet you expect me to trust you. Fuck that. Fuck you. I will never trust you. Never. You have given me no reason what-so-ever to trust you and finding this shit out today is the last straw. You couldn’t have been honest with me and said, “Hon I was wondering if I could borrow a few dollars for….?” No, that would have been so much harder for you. Instead you sneak behind my back and take my money, that my father had saved for me, and then try and hide the evidence w/ my sisters stuff in the basement, like she was the one that was trying to steal from me. You can’t honestly believe that I am that fucking stupid, can you? I really thought that I could trust you, at least to the degree of living with me and not stealing from me. I guess I was completely wrong. You say that you have changed, but I see no proof of that what-so-ever. I guess this was the proof I needed to really see that you are not the person I thought you were, nor that I thought you could be. Yeah, I have a lot of shit, and I probably take it all for granted, but when someone takes something so sentimental away from me, that can NEVER be replaced, then that person obviously isn’t worth my time. You obviously don’t truly care about me and my feelings because if you did, you wouldn’t have taken that from me. You are a selfish asshole who truly doesn’t deserve my time or affections. I gave you every thing that I could have possibly given you, and yet you still thought you needed more so you stole it from me. You are over 30 fucking years old. Grow the fuck up and look around you. You have people that honestly care for you but you don’t even give a fuck because you are too fucking busy feeling sorry for yourself. You are too fucking busy thinking that everyone else is out to fucking get you and cause you further pain. You are the one that inflicts the pain upon yourself. Your pissed because your mom hasn’t written you, but yet, your not willing to write to her? That’s fuck up, considering the fact that she doesn’t know where you are. Your pissed/hurt because I won’t give in and just be with you completely and turn my whole heart and soul over to you. Well look at why??? I’m done Shawn. I promised myself after David that I would not allow myself to fall into another relationship where I only get hurt. This seems to be one of those types of relationships. You consistently lie to me and you steal from me, so why should I continue to let myself be treated this way?
I have let you get away with so many things over the years and I guess that is my own fault. I should have never let it go this far. I have to put my foot down and let you see that I am not going to let you hurt me any more. I will be packing all your things up this week. I will keep them here at the house until you are able to come and get them. Please don’t plan on staying with me once you are released. I will however keep my word as far as helping you find a counselor, if you still want me to when that time comes. Otherwise, I think it is best if we go our separate ways. I have given you every chance in the world to be honest and straight forward with me, but you can’t. And until you realize that life really is a 2 way street, you are going to continue to hurt. You can’t expect everyone to give into your wants and needs, but continue to use and abuse them yourself. It just doesn’t work that way. I know that you love me, I don’t doubt that for a second, however your actions speak volumes louder than your words. I will always love you, always, but I can’t continue to take this treatment. From the very beginning I have always told you that all you have to do is be HONEST with me, but you obviously can’t be. I don’t know if its a problem that you can’t help or what, but it’s something that I can no longer take. I deserve someone who loves me enough to be honest with me, no matter how much that honesty might hurt, because he will know that in being honest with me, we can work things through. Lying to me only causes me more pain. Why can’t you get that?
9/19/04 O.k. I have calmed down quite a bit since I wrote the above part. I just don’t know what to do. You seem to have this way of pushing my back against the wall and forcing me to make these choices that I shouldn’t have to be making. You have destroyed every shred of trust that I thought I had in you. Besides knowing that you would never physically harm me, there is nothing else left. I do want you in my life, but if I can’t trust you, then what is the point? You kept getting so angry with me because I wasn’t showing trust in you, yet the whole time you knew that you weren’t giving me any reason to trust you. I should have known. Any time somone becomes that upset over something, or that defensive; it usually means they are guilty of the exact thing they are trying to pretend to be angry or upset about. Joseph use to scream at me whenever he had any thought that I was accusing him of cheating on me, and yet the whole damn time he WAS cheating on me. Like I said, I have given you everything and yet you just keep taking and taking and all I am getting in return is heartache. How fair is that to me? You need to grow up and make some serious decisions about your life because I am tired of babysitting. There is NO REASON WHAT-SO-EVER why you can’t be honest with me, yet you keep lying. I thought you had figured it out after the last time I told you to stay away from me that I am tired of the games. I honestly thought that you were willing to do whatever in order to be true with me so that you could be apart of my life. I thought that you hated being without me so much that you were willing to give up the old ways. I guess it doesn’t matter that much to you whether I am in your life or not. So, since you can’t be honest with me......I feel as though I have no other choice then to let you go. The old saying goes “If you love someone set them free. If they return to you, then it is truly meant to be. If not, then it wasn’t meant to be.” So I am going to let you go. You need to do whatever it is that you need to do to grow up and get these problems worked out. If you come back, and I am still here, then perhaps at that time you can show me that you have truly grown and changed. If not, then obviously going our separate ways is what was best for the both of us. You can get therapy through the University, where I go, for free. Just look the number up under the Universities listing in the business section. You should also be able to get therapy through social services where you were getting the food stamps. All you have to do is talk w/the social worker. I wish you all the best and I am truly sorry that things had to end this way but you have truly given me no other choice. I will always and forever love you with all my heart. I truly thought that you were the one."
I just don't know what else to do. If anyone out there reads this and can offer any suggestions/advice I would greatly appreciate it!
But on the brighter side of the sun.....I had received a letter from Charles Anthony in response to my last letter and it had truly upset me. In the letter that I had written I explained my tendancy to push people away from me and I told him that I was afraid that I would do that after we meet in person. I asked him that if for whatever reason I did that, would he please not allow me to push him away from me. I guess it was my way of reaching out and asking for help. He completely rejected it. He wrote and said all this shit about how we aren't kids anymore and he isn't a babysitter. That he isn't going to try and force me to do anything that I don't want to do. That if all his efforts go unnoticed then obviously it's not what I want anyway. It really hurt my feelings. I guess because I completely felt rejected by him. It left me feeling exposed and abused. I reached out and instead of him taking my hand, he cut it off. So, I have now decided not to open myself up quite so much to him. He doesn't understand anything about me as far as my BPD, and there is no way to help him understand. He seems to have it in his head that it is something that I have chosen to inflict me and that I have brought it all on myself by all the bad choices I have made in my life. I think that might be a part of the reason why I won't tell my family about any of it. What completely tripped me out was the fact that I then received another letter from Charles Anthony on Friday that said:
"Valerie, Hello Sweetheart, I received your card today and it really made my day. I knew all along there was a different side to you. I do know from what you said as well wrote that you love hard and that all you truly ever wanted was to be accepted for you, loved for all you do and treated kind. I can do all these things and more. I won't hold back baby what I'm feeling inside for you.
I will always try to be naked with you so you will see me as I am no games or lies. I really look forward to spending time with you and getting to know all about you. I'm not to worried about the many problems of your past. I know and believe if we do hit it off that will allow you to be all you can be and you will feel more comfortable with me and learn to trust in me believe in me and know without a doubt I will never hurt you or put you in harms way. I can't wait to hug you see that sexy smile or yours in person.
I'm not sure how the visiting dept is ran but I do believe they have 2 3hr sessions. Something to twelve and starts back up and either ends at 3pm or 3:30pm. But I will find out. We are allowed 4 visits a month if you were to stay for both visits that will account for 2 visits and i have two more.
So I plan to see you on the later visit so you will have time to rest get ready and be on time without having to rush. I will find out. But I believe when they send you the form to fill out they will tell you all that anyway o.k. The number and all we can also take photo out there too.
You are short I am not sure how tall you really are. But I have dated girls who were smaller compared to me. I would love to see you looking up into my eyes as we embrace and lose ourselves in our own thoughts.
I may be a little nervous for only a moment. But that won't last very long. Plus seeing you in person makes things more clearer. I too can feel vibes and read people very well and a good judgement of character. I pride myself in being me. I do have to say I am a wonder and will keep you on your toes. I remember you talking about how i was before and will that be the case when I come home having more than one woman at a time. First of all, I don't plan on get close enough with anyone to allow them to believe they can interrupt my life.
I do need my space but I am also one of those guys who loves spending quality time with my mate. I want to share those memorable momorable memories with you. I want to look back over our past and see how far we've come. Plus when i get comfortable with someone I block out every one else. I don't need any games and i won't cause any. Your a good person with a bright spirit whom I look forward to unravel. Yours, Charles."
How absolutely sweet is that? It was a complete contradiction to the letter I received Wednesday from him. I am going to let Gretchen read them both and give me her opinions because it really has confused me. I really like him though. I really hope that when we meet in person that we hit it off wonderfully!!!! I am so looking forward to it.
O.k. enough rambling for now. I think this is one of the longest entries I have ever put in here. LOL....
"I was not even going to write you this letter. Well for one thing, I have not hiden anything from you! So you can cut the shit and ask me what you want to know? Screw all your run around questions because I am sick/have been sick of your not trusting me! I only put up with it because I love u & that I thought that you deserved to be told the truth! I could tell you anything that I feel like telling you & I could still not tell you what you are looking for? So, once I say my peace here you need to tell me what is going on?
1) No, I have not done anything behind you back!
2) No, I have not hide anything from you!
3) NO, NO, NO I was not seeing anyone there, but I was talking to 2 girls because of Jessie, & the one was messing with me & I gave her the house address & not ever thinking any of them would come to the house!
4) It was more than one time that I did what I did to get here.
5) No, as far as I know I did not do anything that would some how come back on you and hurt you
6) The only thing that I did was get some of your sisters software cd's because I was going to use them and put them back & I also got your sisters 20gb put in my computer because I wanted to make sure that I would take over a 15gb hd because the mother board was an old mmx motherboard, but I never got the chance to put the stuff back.
NO TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! I AM SICK OF ALWAYS HAVING TO THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE I DON'T TELL YOU ANYTHING I AM HIDING SOMETHING!
NOW IF YOU WANT TO FUCKING RUN FROM ME AGAIN SO BE IT, TELL ME SO!
ALSO, I NEED MY SISTERS ADDRESS IF YOU WOULD SEND IT IN YOUR NEXT NO MATTER WHAT YOU DECIDE!
SINCE WE ARE ON THE SUBJECT OF TRUST & HONESTY, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN PLANNING TO SEE CHARLES?
See where you fall to understand is that since I have been back in prison this time, I fully understand that all the time I was home you truly wasn't with me! What I mean is that you was always with someone else, David, Paul, Joe, Mardi. Now how the hell do you think I felt all these years?
BETRAYED BY YOU BECAUSE I WOULD NEVER TRULY HAVE YOUR HEART!
p.s this is on you, if you do not tell me what it is you want to know specifically so be it! take my stuff to my moms/sisters house so you will not be bothered by someone you refuse/will not or/eve cannot seem to trust or love properly. so hopefully you choose wisely & if not so be it! what ever comes, comes & i will deal with it once i get home (whre ever that may be)?
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DECIDE OR CHOOSE I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS WILL
i truly think that you have made a choice already for your future once January 2005 comes round, and i do not think that you want/even need me in the picture?
DO NOT GET ME WRONG I WANT TO BE IN YOUR LIFE, BUT NOT IF I WILL NEVER BE TRULY WELCOME!
OH, your sisters bike is most likely at the akron universities police sub-station, you should be able to get it from there.
God WILL LET HAPPEN WHAT THIS WILL BE AFTER THIS
Do not get mad at this letter because it is not to hurt but to understand." And he writes on the envelope "You have already decided to leave me - Good-bye if it must be this way"
I am so angry over the whole fucking situation. When I talked to Gretchen about it Wed. night she said that it sounds to her like Shawn Michael doesn't like to take responsibility for his actions. Yeah, that's a major understatement. I believe that he is a habitual lier and doesn't even know that he is lying half the damn time. And what is this shit about how he wasn't seeing anyone else but talking to another girl and gave her MY house address? That makes me wonder if she ever came over and if they were fucking in my house while I was at work or something? I was not "with" anyone else the entire time he was living w/me. Yes, when he first moved in I was getting over Mardi, but that's natural. Mardi and I had just basically broken up. I had tried to end my communications w/Charles Anthony when I really thought that Shawn Michael and I were going to try to make things work, but that back-fired (so-to-speak). Charles and I have remained friends only throughout our communications until just recently when we have been talking about how we hope things work out between the two of us as more than just friends. I am through w/Shawn's tired-out bullshit! He seriously needs to grow the fuck up and realize that there is more to life then people feeling sorry for him. This is the letter that I wrote him right after I found out that he had taken the money from the box:
"9/18/04 It is amazing how much things can change in 2 days… especially when I find out the truth about things. You son-of-a-bitch!!!!! How could you fucking steal from me? After everything I done for you and gave to you, you fucking stole money from me that held true sentimental value to me? Don’t even for one second sit there and pretend that you didn’t do it, because you were the only one that knew there was money in that box and you were the only one that knew where the key to the box was. I can’t fucking believe you. This just makes it all that much easier for me to believe that it probably was you that stole all my cd’s too. What did you do, take them down to CD Exchange and sell them? And yet you expect me to trust you. Fuck that. Fuck you. I will never trust you. Never. You have given me no reason what-so-ever to trust you and finding this shit out today is the last straw. You couldn’t have been honest with me and said, “Hon I was wondering if I could borrow a few dollars for….?” No, that would have been so much harder for you. Instead you sneak behind my back and take my money, that my father had saved for me, and then try and hide the evidence w/ my sisters stuff in the basement, like she was the one that was trying to steal from me. You can’t honestly believe that I am that fucking stupid, can you? I really thought that I could trust you, at least to the degree of living with me and not stealing from me. I guess I was completely wrong. You say that you have changed, but I see no proof of that what-so-ever. I guess this was the proof I needed to really see that you are not the person I thought you were, nor that I thought you could be. Yeah, I have a lot of shit, and I probably take it all for granted, but when someone takes something so sentimental away from me, that can NEVER be replaced, then that person obviously isn’t worth my time. You obviously don’t truly care about me and my feelings because if you did, you wouldn’t have taken that from me. You are a selfish asshole who truly doesn’t deserve my time or affections. I gave you every thing that I could have possibly given you, and yet you still thought you needed more so you stole it from me. You are over 30 fucking years old. Grow the fuck up and look around you. You have people that honestly care for you but you don’t even give a fuck because you are too fucking busy feeling sorry for yourself. You are too fucking busy thinking that everyone else is out to fucking get you and cause you further pain. You are the one that inflicts the pain upon yourself. Your pissed because your mom hasn’t written you, but yet, your not willing to write to her? That’s fuck up, considering the fact that she doesn’t know where you are. Your pissed/hurt because I won’t give in and just be with you completely and turn my whole heart and soul over to you. Well look at why??? I’m done Shawn. I promised myself after David that I would not allow myself to fall into another relationship where I only get hurt. This seems to be one of those types of relationships. You consistently lie to me and you steal from me, so why should I continue to let myself be treated this way?
I have let you get away with so many things over the years and I guess that is my own fault. I should have never let it go this far. I have to put my foot down and let you see that I am not going to let you hurt me any more. I will be packing all your things up this week. I will keep them here at the house until you are able to come and get them. Please don’t plan on staying with me once you are released. I will however keep my word as far as helping you find a counselor, if you still want me to when that time comes. Otherwise, I think it is best if we go our separate ways. I have given you every chance in the world to be honest and straight forward with me, but you can’t. And until you realize that life really is a 2 way street, you are going to continue to hurt. You can’t expect everyone to give into your wants and needs, but continue to use and abuse them yourself. It just doesn’t work that way. I know that you love me, I don’t doubt that for a second, however your actions speak volumes louder than your words. I will always love you, always, but I can’t continue to take this treatment. From the very beginning I have always told you that all you have to do is be HONEST with me, but you obviously can’t be. I don’t know if its a problem that you can’t help or what, but it’s something that I can no longer take. I deserve someone who loves me enough to be honest with me, no matter how much that honesty might hurt, because he will know that in being honest with me, we can work things through. Lying to me only causes me more pain. Why can’t you get that?
9/19/04 O.k. I have calmed down quite a bit since I wrote the above part. I just don’t know what to do. You seem to have this way of pushing my back against the wall and forcing me to make these choices that I shouldn’t have to be making. You have destroyed every shred of trust that I thought I had in you. Besides knowing that you would never physically harm me, there is nothing else left. I do want you in my life, but if I can’t trust you, then what is the point? You kept getting so angry with me because I wasn’t showing trust in you, yet the whole time you knew that you weren’t giving me any reason to trust you. I should have known. Any time somone becomes that upset over something, or that defensive; it usually means they are guilty of the exact thing they are trying to pretend to be angry or upset about. Joseph use to scream at me whenever he had any thought that I was accusing him of cheating on me, and yet the whole damn time he WAS cheating on me. Like I said, I have given you everything and yet you just keep taking and taking and all I am getting in return is heartache. How fair is that to me? You need to grow up and make some serious decisions about your life because I am tired of babysitting. There is NO REASON WHAT-SO-EVER why you can’t be honest with me, yet you keep lying. I thought you had figured it out after the last time I told you to stay away from me that I am tired of the games. I honestly thought that you were willing to do whatever in order to be true with me so that you could be apart of my life. I thought that you hated being without me so much that you were willing to give up the old ways. I guess it doesn’t matter that much to you whether I am in your life or not. So, since you can’t be honest with me......I feel as though I have no other choice then to let you go. The old saying goes “If you love someone set them free. If they return to you, then it is truly meant to be. If not, then it wasn’t meant to be.” So I am going to let you go. You need to do whatever it is that you need to do to grow up and get these problems worked out. If you come back, and I am still here, then perhaps at that time you can show me that you have truly grown and changed. If not, then obviously going our separate ways is what was best for the both of us. You can get therapy through the University, where I go, for free. Just look the number up under the Universities listing in the business section. You should also be able to get therapy through social services where you were getting the food stamps. All you have to do is talk w/the social worker. I wish you all the best and I am truly sorry that things had to end this way but you have truly given me no other choice. I will always and forever love you with all my heart. I truly thought that you were the one."
I just don't know what else to do. If anyone out there reads this and can offer any suggestions/advice I would greatly appreciate it!
But on the brighter side of the sun.....I had received a letter from Charles Anthony in response to my last letter and it had truly upset me. In the letter that I had written I explained my tendancy to push people away from me and I told him that I was afraid that I would do that after we meet in person. I asked him that if for whatever reason I did that, would he please not allow me to push him away from me. I guess it was my way of reaching out and asking for help. He completely rejected it. He wrote and said all this shit about how we aren't kids anymore and he isn't a babysitter. That he isn't going to try and force me to do anything that I don't want to do. That if all his efforts go unnoticed then obviously it's not what I want anyway. It really hurt my feelings. I guess because I completely felt rejected by him. It left me feeling exposed and abused. I reached out and instead of him taking my hand, he cut it off. So, I have now decided not to open myself up quite so much to him. He doesn't understand anything about me as far as my BPD, and there is no way to help him understand. He seems to have it in his head that it is something that I have chosen to inflict me and that I have brought it all on myself by all the bad choices I have made in my life. I think that might be a part of the reason why I won't tell my family about any of it. What completely tripped me out was the fact that I then received another letter from Charles Anthony on Friday that said:
"Valerie, Hello Sweetheart, I received your card today and it really made my day. I knew all along there was a different side to you. I do know from what you said as well wrote that you love hard and that all you truly ever wanted was to be accepted for you, loved for all you do and treated kind. I can do all these things and more. I won't hold back baby what I'm feeling inside for you.
I will always try to be naked with you so you will see me as I am no games or lies. I really look forward to spending time with you and getting to know all about you. I'm not to worried about the many problems of your past. I know and believe if we do hit it off that will allow you to be all you can be and you will feel more comfortable with me and learn to trust in me believe in me and know without a doubt I will never hurt you or put you in harms way. I can't wait to hug you see that sexy smile or yours in person.
I'm not sure how the visiting dept is ran but I do believe they have 2 3hr sessions. Something to twelve and starts back up and either ends at 3pm or 3:30pm. But I will find out. We are allowed 4 visits a month if you were to stay for both visits that will account for 2 visits and i have two more.
So I plan to see you on the later visit so you will have time to rest get ready and be on time without having to rush. I will find out. But I believe when they send you the form to fill out they will tell you all that anyway o.k. The number and all we can also take photo out there too.
You are short I am not sure how tall you really are. But I have dated girls who were smaller compared to me. I would love to see you looking up into my eyes as we embrace and lose ourselves in our own thoughts.
I may be a little nervous for only a moment. But that won't last very long. Plus seeing you in person makes things more clearer. I too can feel vibes and read people very well and a good judgement of character. I pride myself in being me. I do have to say I am a wonder and will keep you on your toes. I remember you talking about how i was before and will that be the case when I come home having more than one woman at a time. First of all, I don't plan on get close enough with anyone to allow them to believe they can interrupt my life.
I do need my space but I am also one of those guys who loves spending quality time with my mate. I want to share those memorable momorable memories with you. I want to look back over our past and see how far we've come. Plus when i get comfortable with someone I block out every one else. I don't need any games and i won't cause any. Your a good person with a bright spirit whom I look forward to unravel. Yours, Charles."
How absolutely sweet is that? It was a complete contradiction to the letter I received Wednesday from him. I am going to let Gretchen read them both and give me her opinions because it really has confused me. I really like him though. I really hope that when we meet in person that we hit it off wonderfully!!!! I am so looking forward to it.
O.k. enough rambling for now. I think this is one of the longest entries I have ever put in here. LOL....