(no subject)
I finally heard from Shawn M. Friday. I don't know if it done more good or more harm. I feel tormented inside. My feelings are going every which way and I have no idea how to make any sense out of them. I am so angry. Angry at him, at myself, at our inability to communicate properly. Everything is just so fucked up. Nothing seems to make sense in my life anymore. NOTHING. I hate my night job so much that I wish every night that I could quit. The only thing keeping me there is that I am getting a weeks paid vacation in like 3.5 weeks. I want my paid vacation that I have worked my ass off for before I quit. I fucking deserve it! Then they can all kiss my ass for all I care. ~ I don't feel lonely, but alone. I think I would give anything to just have someone to lay down on my bed with me and hold me so tight while I fall asleep. For me, that is the safest feeling (as long as its someone I trust). That's what Shawn couldn't get... that was my way of putting my trust in him, but he kept turning it down. He couldn't lay with me and wouldn't explain to me why. So, because he wouldn't, I couldn't trust in him. Now a part of him blames me for this mess between us. Because I couldn't trust him. I CAN'T FUCKING TRUST ANYONE!!! Nobody seems to understand that. My head is going to explode. It hurts all the freakin time. 9 more days till I see the psychiatrist. Please let time go by quickly. For the sake of my sanity.... please let it go quickly.