Intake sucks
I had two anxiety attacks Tuesday. I honestly don't remember the last time things were that severe. It started with my running late to leave for work. I threw together some lunch and took off. When I drove across the railroad tracks about 1/4 of a mile from the house...something just didn't feel right. I then realized that I had completely forgotten to put my bra on. I had to turn around and go get it. So then I was really late leaving. Of course traffic was backed up and this damn dump truck practically side-swipped me because he thought that just because he came barrelling down an exit ramp that he had every right to push his way over infront of me. I don't fucking think so. I was persistant and didn't let him over but it upset me to the point where I was flicking him off and screaming. Then, when I get further down the road, a rock flies up and hits the windshield. Scared the shit out of me. That was enough to set me over the edge. Once I got back on the expressway, it was completely backed up. Apparently people who live north of Stow have absolutely no idea how to drive in the rain. Nor do they know how to merge properly. I somehow managed to get to work only 9 minutes late, but since it was more than 6 minutes, I got a 1/2 occurance towards my attendance. Then of course I get a bunch of aggrivating calls right off the bat. At this point I had a screaming headache, irritable bowels and the shakes. With time, I calmed down and everything seemed ok, except that I knew I had my intake appointment at P.P. that night, which had me anxious anyway. Thankfully the rest of the day went by relatively smoothly except that it was smoldering hot in the office, which made me so uncomfortable. On the way to my intake appointment I got the rapid heartbeats, sweaty palms, blank thoughts, headache. Once I got there, it was like someone else took over for me. I had the shakes so bad that I had difficulty signing my name to the documents. The intake counselor was extremely cold from the jump. I understand that she does this all day long and that she has to keep a distance because attachment is not an option, however, being that damn cold should be illegal. I completely withdrew and that other person took my place. I was so quiet barely answering any questions. It was wierd. After an hour and a half and a million questions, and irritating the shit out of me (she kept sniffling and saying "oooook" after everything she wrote down, and when I didn't understand something she would repeat it the same way she originally said it - ok if i didn't understand it the first time, why the hell would i understand if you say the same damn thing a second time? Part of me wanted to just yell at her.) she tells me that she has to schedule my psychiatric appointment and will be back. I was under the impression that I would be seeing that person as soon as I was done talking to her. Guess I was sadly mistaken. They make the appointment for Sept 28 and I was like, "no freakin way", so I had them change it to the 17th. That still wasn't good enough for me. So I then had them call the office in Barberton and they could get me in on Aug 24th. MUCH FREAKIN BETTER!!!! Someone who feels like they are on a psychiatric breakdown can't wait almost 2 fucking months to be seen. So now I have to maintain until then. I haven't been too bad since Shawn Michael has been gone. However he may be coming back after the 11th. We shall see. The intake counselor told me that if I feel homicidal/suicidal/or like cutting, then I should go to the ADM Outreach ER to be seen. Yeah, like I am stupid enough to go there and have them decide to admit me into a freakin hospital. Can I afford to lose either of my jobs? NO! Oh well. Thankfully I was able to take last night off work so I got a full nights sleep. That was most wonderful. I am glad that I have decided to take Wed nights off from now on. That is also the evenings of my therapy w/ Gretchen starting Aug 25, so it all works out well.
Shawn Michael finially mailed me a note yesterday and I was rather upset after reading it. I haven't heard from him in 2 1/2 weeks and have no idea why he did what he did to get put back in jail....and so this note I recieved didn't say jack-shit about what happened, only that he has no money and that is why he hasn't written me and that he does still love me. So what the hell am I to think. I already told him that I am not going to write him anymore until I get some type of letter from him explaining exactly why he did what he did and what the hell he plans to do once he is released. Stupid fucker!!!! I am so sick and tired of him leaving me, yet I can't let him go. I'm not inlove with him, but I am so attached to him that its almost sickening. 12 Fucking years I have dealt with his shit and once again we are back to where we always are. It's rediculous. Why do I have to be so afraid of abandonment? Why can't I just be satisfied with being alone? Why do I always want to love someone who doesn't want me enough to take a chance on being with me? Why do I hurt all the time? ERG ERG ERG ERG ERG ERG ERG ERG ERG ERG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shawn Michael finially mailed me a note yesterday and I was rather upset after reading it. I haven't heard from him in 2 1/2 weeks and have no idea why he did what he did to get put back in jail....and so this note I recieved didn't say jack-shit about what happened, only that he has no money and that is why he hasn't written me and that he does still love me. So what the hell am I to think. I already told him that I am not going to write him anymore until I get some type of letter from him explaining exactly why he did what he did and what the hell he plans to do once he is released. Stupid fucker!!!! I am so sick and tired of him leaving me, yet I can't let him go. I'm not inlove with him, but I am so attached to him that its almost sickening. 12 Fucking years I have dealt with his shit and once again we are back to where we always are. It's rediculous. Why do I have to be so afraid of abandonment? Why can't I just be satisfied with being alone? Why do I always want to love someone who doesn't want me enough to take a chance on being with me? Why do I hurt all the time? ERG ERG ERG ERG ERG ERG ERG ERG ERG ERG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!