Okay, bring it.
Apparently I can'tstop writing blog entries . . . they're kind ofmind
relaxersinbetween bouts of working, which is endless these days.
Alright, my mind and I are about to battle itout on paper.
Bring it, disordered thinking:
I should be absolutely ashamed for eating, and here's why:
1. People are starving. People are starving,and I take food for granted.
2. There's so much need in the world, Ishould be able to set all ofmy needs aside to help fullfill others'.
3. I'm fat.
4. I want to beintimidating;Ican't be thatifI'm the friendly fat girl.
5. Thin is attractive.
6. I can only be fashionable if I'm thin.
7. I have no self-control.None.
8. I should be testing mylimitsl, seeing how much I can doon the littles amount possible.
9. Idon't havetimetoeat.
10. Jan (poetryprofessor) doesn't eatnormally,and she's enthralling and brilliant.
11. I should be writing instead of eating.
12. My talent/work/writing/academics should beenough ... Ishouldn't want to eat. I just shouldn't beinterestedin it.
13.People will loveme, andstickby me, if I'm a slightly sick and fragile.
Okay, rational mind. Go.
1. Me not eating doesn't give them food. My food doesnot go to them. Plus, if they had food, they would not put it aside. It is disrespectful for me to doso. Instead, I should eat and take care of myself so that I have the strength to help make the world a better plac for everyone.
2. See above.
3.No, I'm not fat.I may be a bit chubby, if even that, but I'm not fat. WhatI see in the mirro is incorrect.
4.I can be intimidating fromtimetotime anway. But, I should work on letting peoplein, not shutting them out.
5.That's only what society says. I knowso many women of sos many different body types that are attractive and beautiful. And Iknowsome thin womenwho arenot attractive..
6. See#5.
7. Yes I fucking do.
8. I have no combackfor thisone. This is theone that traps me. I guess that testingmy limitswould eventually lead to death ... but I have troublebelieving that. Aperson canfunctionfor ALONG TIME on minimums.
9. I can always make time -even if it's eatingon the go.
10. Yes, she is enthralling, but she's also underweight, and withdrawn, and tragic,and immature, and socially awkward, andnot living up to her potential.
11. I can doboth.
12. People enjoy food. It's inour nature. Deal with it.
13. No, I'll just annoy them. And if they only love mewhen I'm sick, then they don't love me. I have trouble believing thisonetoo, though.
Okay, that's that.None of the firstset of thoughts aregoingto lead toaction. I amhappier, healthier. They're just thoughts. But they wereeatingaway at me,andIneeded toget themout. *sigh* And I'm trying to believe thelower thoughts.
Okay, tiem to write up my proposal for senate. Then class thatI'm not prepared for. Then a meeting. Then work. Then another class thatI'mnot prepared for.Then presenting my proposal. Then dinner. Then writing my journal entry. Then my e.d. recovery support group. Then packing. Then . .. collapse? Maybe?
Alright, my mind and I are about to battle itout on paper.
Bring it, disordered thinking:
I should be absolutely ashamed for eating, and here's why:
1. People are starving. People are starving,and I take food for granted.
2. There's so much need in the world, Ishould be able to set all ofmy needs aside to help fullfill others'.
3. I'm fat.
4. I want to beintimidating;Ican't be thatifI'm the friendly fat girl.
5. Thin is attractive.
6. I can only be fashionable if I'm thin.
7. I have no self-control.None.
8. I should be testing mylimitsl, seeing how much I can doon the littles amount possible.
9. Idon't havetimetoeat.
10. Jan (poetryprofessor) doesn't eatnormally,and she's enthralling and brilliant.
11. I should be writing instead of eating.
12. My talent/work/writing/academics should beenough ... Ishouldn't want to eat. I just shouldn't beinterestedin it.
13.People will loveme, andstickby me, if I'm a slightly sick and fragile.
Okay, rational mind. Go.
1. Me not eating doesn't give them food. My food doesnot go to them. Plus, if they had food, they would not put it aside. It is disrespectful for me to doso. Instead, I should eat and take care of myself so that I have the strength to help make the world a better plac for everyone.
2. See above.
3.No, I'm not fat.I may be a bit chubby, if even that, but I'm not fat. WhatI see in the mirro is incorrect.
4.I can be intimidating fromtimetotime anway. But, I should work on letting peoplein, not shutting them out.
5.That's only what society says. I knowso many women of sos many different body types that are attractive and beautiful. And Iknowsome thin womenwho arenot attractive..
6. See#5.
7. Yes I fucking do.
8. I have no combackfor thisone. This is theone that traps me. I guess that testingmy limitswould eventually lead to death ... but I have troublebelieving that. Aperson canfunctionfor ALONG TIME on minimums.
9. I can always make time -even if it's eatingon the go.
10. Yes, she is enthralling, but she's also underweight, and withdrawn, and tragic,and immature, and socially awkward, andnot living up to her potential.
11. I can doboth.
12. People enjoy food. It's inour nature. Deal with it.
13. No, I'll just annoy them. And if they only love mewhen I'm sick, then they don't love me. I have trouble believing thisonetoo, though.
Okay, that's that.None of the firstset of thoughts aregoingto lead toaction. I amhappier, healthier. They're just thoughts. But they wereeatingaway at me,andIneeded toget themout. *sigh* And I'm trying to believe thelower thoughts.
Okay, tiem to write up my proposal for senate. Then class thatI'm not prepared for. Then a meeting. Then work. Then another class thatI'mnot prepared for.Then presenting my proposal. Then dinner. Then writing my journal entry. Then my e.d. recovery support group. Then packing. Then . .. collapse? Maybe?