fic - putting my heart back together 3/4
Title: Putting my heart back together. Part Three
Author: dare_to_dream06
Characters: Jared/Jensen
Word count: 3,141
Rating: R
Warning: Angst out the wazoo. And boy kissing. =)
Authors Notes: I needed me some hurty!Jensen, which turned into some hurty!Jensen AND hurty!Jared AND some confused!Mackenzie on the side. So here it is, in Jared’s POV.
Summary: A time line of the hurt Jared’s caused both himself and the only person he’s ever loved. Can he fix what he’s broken?
COMMENTS MAKE ME DANCE! *grins*
ps. I just wanted to thank ahora_11 =) once again for being the most amazing beta eva! =) ♥
1 | 2 | 3
It’s been a month since he’d made that decision.
A whole month.
He feels the bile rise in the back of his throat every time he thinks about what he’s done.
Jared’s sitting in the chair nearest to the window, the one Jensen used to read in. He loved to sit in the warmth of the sun and read while Jared napped on the couch. His book still sits on the side table. He one Jared never let him finish
C’mon Jen. You can finish that anytime you want. He’d said as he trailed kisses down Jensen’s neck. Jared- Jensen laughed as he tried to squirm away. Pleaseee. Jared begged, pulling out the puppy eyes. It took him all of two minutes to get Jensen into bed after that.
Jared’s hands clench the arms of the chair as he remembers that day so clearly. He feels the lump grow in his throat at the memory and rushes to the bathroom just in time to empty his stomach in the toilet, and he lets the tears fall.
-
It’s been seven months since he’d made that decision.
A long seven months.
And he hates himself a little more everyday for letting go the only person he’s ever truly loved. The only person he’s ever been able to say ‘I love you’ besides his family and truly mean it. The person he thought for sure he would spend the rest of his life with.
He can still feel the bile rising every time he thinks about letting him go.
Jared’s sitting on his bed, looking through pictures of them together. He wants to be able to get over this. He wants to be able to stop hurting.
But he can’t.
Nothing will ever change the fact that he’s still in love with Jensen. He thinks about him ever second of every day. He wonders what Jensen’s doing. Wonders if he’s found someone else. Wonders if he hates Jared for what he did and hopes one day Jensen will find it in himself to forgive him.
He’s holding a picture of Jensen and his family. Jensen’s mother sits on the couch between both her sons, smiles on their faces. Mac sits on the floor in front of them, cute as a button. Then his gaze wanders over to Jensen’s father sitting on the arm of the sofa and Jared clenches his teeth, remembering.
Jensen wanted to take Jared home for Christmas. Thought it’d be better to tell his parents about them while Jared was there. I need you to be there. I need you Jensen had said. How could Jared deny anything Jensen needed from him? So he had went along.
Jared’s family knew about them, had known for a while. So they understood when Jared told them he wouldn’t be home for Christmas this year. Jensen needed him and Jared had to be there for support. Do what you have to do honey his mother had said. He wished her all the best and told her they’d be visiting as soon as they could.
Jensen waiting to tell his parents about them until after Christmas just before they left, but Jared always felt as if Jensen’s father had already known. As soon as Jared stepped into the Ackles’ house, Alan’s eyes settled on him. Jared could read the unspoken question in them. Why is my son bringing home YOU for Christmas? Why not a lovely young lady?
Jared felt unsettled in the house. Didn’t like the lingering looks Jensen’s father gave him. But that was nothing, oh no, nothing compared to what happened when Jensen finally told them the truth. Alan had put up a good front for his son. Told him whatever decisions he made in his life was his business but the looks he gave Jared said otherwise.
The day they planned to leave Alan pulled Jared aside. What have you done? he’d asked. Jared gave him a look of confusion.
Excuse me? I don’t know- but before he could finish Alan had started speaking again.
Listen boy. I don’t know what you’ve done to my son. But you’re going to fix it. How do you feel now? How do you feel knowing that Jensen just told his mother she’ll never have grand babies? How do you feel ruining that dream? No son of mine is a faggot and I’ll be damned if I’ll let you say anything that supports that. I don’t care what you do, or how you do it. End it. Y’hear me? End it. Jared had stood there, stock still. Shocked. He didn’t know what to say. I want him to be able to have a real life, a normal life. I don’t want you to breathe a word of this to Jensen because if you do- he left the rest unspoken and walked away.
Did Jared actually ruin Jensen’s life?
Had he ruined Jensen’s chances to have a normal life, with a picket fence and lots of little Jensen’s running around?
Jared felt the lump in his throat when he walked back to meet Jensen in the living room. He didn’t want to be the cause of Jensen’s regret later on in life. All he wanted, was Jensen to be happy. Ready to go? Jensen asked. All Jared could do was nod.
Jared ripped the picture in half, again and again. Trying to erase that horrible day from his memory. Trying his best to convince himself that he’d done the right thing. He’d left Jensen so Jensen could get on with his life, have a normal happy life and forget about Jared.
He curled up on his side, pictures of them scattered around him and cried until he fell asleep.
-
It’s been eleven months since he’d made that decision.
Eleven months since he’d made that stupid decision. The one that ruined his life.
The one that took everything that ever mattered away from him.
And Jensen still means the world to him.
And was everything he’s ever wanted.
It’s been so long since he’s been outside. So long since he’s actually cared enough to do anything other then mope around his house. Chad had often called him telling him he needed to get over this, needed to move on. Said he needed to get out and get some fresh air before he drowned in his own tears and every time he called Jared had hung up on him with a muttered curse.
But today felt different. He’d woken up this morning and though he still felt like half of him was missing -because it was- he decided to take a walk.
So here he was, walking. Strolling, not knowing where he was actually going until he found himself in the part of town he swore he’d never end up.
The part that they shared together.
The part where Jensen lives.
Once he realized where he was, he started to panic. Wanted to turn around and run all the way back home. But he didn’t. It was almost like he couldn’t make his body obey his mind.
And that’s when he saw it. Saw the truck parked in the little corner store they always bought their beer at.
That navy blue ford pickup he spent so many days sitting in.
Jensen’s navy blue ford pickup.
His heart started to beat out of his chest, his breath quickened and he felt the bile rising in his throat, felt the tears threatening to spill.
He walks slowly to the other side of the road, closest to the store and catches sight of Jensen in the window. He panics. Doesn’t know what to do.
What if Jensen hates him now?
What if he blames Jared and can’t even look at him anymore?
Jared doesn’t think he can handle whatever’s behind Jensen’s beautiful green eyes so he ducks behind a near by tree and sits down. He doesn’t know what comes over him but he pulls out his phone and dials a familiar number.
He knows Jensen’s not home and that’s part of the reason he does it. He waits for the familiar voice mail message and just about crumbles when he hears Jensen’s voice.
You’ve reached Jensen Ackles. Sorry I can’t make it to the phone right now but you know what to do and I’ll get back to you.
Jensen I- He starts off, voice strong. Then pauses as he watches Jensen walk out of the store and get into his truck. I shouldn’t be leaving this message. I don’t deserve to leave this message. Jared shuffles uncomfortably on the cold ground, can feel the water seeping through the back of his pants. I saw you today. Saw you at the store. And I-I picked up the phone and dialled your number, knowing you weren’t home. Why he told Jensen that he doesn’t know. When it comes to Jensen, he always feels like he needs to tell the truth. Could never lie. That’s why he’d left a note on the table the day he left, instead of facing Jensen himself. Oh god. I wanted-wanted to walk right up to you... wanted to be there with you. but-but I just, I couldn’t. He stops, holds his breath. Tries to get his emotions under control, then continues. I couldn’t. His voice cracks on the last two words. He lets out a long breath and the sobs take over. He hangs up without saying anything else, not trusting his voice.
He doesn’t know how long he sits by that tree. Sitting and staring into space. He lets the tears fall, surprised he has any left to shed.
When he finally decides to get up, it’s dark and it takes him much longer to get home then it should have.
All the way home he asks himself Can I really live without him?
-
It’s been eleven months and one week since Jared made that stupid choice.
Four months since he’s ripped up that picture and whispered his regrets into his pillow.
One week since he left that message.
One week since he saw Jensen again.
And two hours since he’s decided to fix things.
Two hours ago Jared had been sitting in his living room, curled up on the couch watching Jensen’s favourite movie, when the phone rang.
He didn’t pick it up at first, waiting until it went to his answering machine.
Jared A tiny feminine voice filtered through the air. I know you’re there Jared and it’s fine. You don’t have to pick up, just listen. Mac, he’d recognise that voice anywhere. Mac had called Jared many times over the past few months, first yelling at him. Asking what he’d done to her brother. Then crying to him, asking Jared to fix things. Asking him to make her brother whole again. Jared never told her what happened. Never told her why he left. Then around six months ago her calls tapered off. Recently she hadn’t called at all. So he was surprised to hear her voice. Briefly wondered if she just wanted to yell at him again. I know. She’d said, and Jared felt confused. I know what he said. I know that it’s not your fault. Never has been. Jared’s eyes widened. I went to visit Jensen this week. He’s a mess. He misses you Jared. There’s a pause. Jared hears Mac take a deep breath and she continues. I came home and I was talking to mom about Jensen and what a mess he was when I saw him, when-when I heard dad mutter something under his breath. I asked him what he was talking about and he ignored the question. So I got angry. She stopped again. When she continued her voice wasn’t as strong. He told me what he said Jared. He told me-
Jared leaped for the phone picked it up and breathed a sigh of relief. He talked to Mac for what seemed like forever and she told him not to run anymore. Said not to worry about what her father says because if -and when- Jensen finds out what he did, he’ll be furious. Mac told him that Jensen loves him, told him she knows he loves Jensen too.
That very moment Jared knew he had to fix things between them.
An hour later he was ready.
-
It’s been two hours since he’s figured everything out.
Two hours since he’s come to his senses.
And three minutes until he’s at Jensen’s door.
Jared’s sitting there, in his car, mind reeling. Going over the many things he wants to say. He doesn’t know how Jensen will react to seeing him. He wonders if Jensen will punch him, yell, tell him to leave. Or if he’ll be silent waiting for that explanation Jared needs to give him. Owes him. Wonders if Jensen will even be home.
As he rounds the final turn to Jensen house, his hearts starts to pump faster. His hands are shaking on the wheel and his mouth goes unbelievable dry when he sees Jensen’s house come into view.
Jared pulls up close to Jensen’s house, parks his car in the spot where it belongs and sits for a minute. He takes a deep breath and finally opens the door to get out.
He’s never been this nervous in all his life and as he closes the car door and approaches Jensen’s front step he prays to god that Jensen will understand.
Jared raises his hand to knock, pauses in mid motion and lets out a shaky breath. I can do this. I can. He thinks. It takes all his strength to move his hand that short distance to knock but he does.
He waits for what seems like forever and knocks again. Jensen has to be there. He just has to. Jared shoves his hands in his pockets to stop them from shaking, but it does no good. His eyes are starting to burn, tears collecting blurring his vision. But he doesn’t let them fall. He won’t. Just as he’s thinking about turning around and leaving the door opens.
He glances up when he hears Jensen sucks in that surprised breath and starts to shake harder.
Jensen’s wearing his clothes. His favourite blue shirt that’s so worn it looks grey and his baggy sweat pants he always left there. He takes in the broken feature of Jensen’s face and notices how lost he looks. He wants to say something, anything but when he opens his mouth the only thing that comes out is a broken whisper. "Jen..."
And that’s it.
That one simple word.
That’s the only thing he needed to say.
Jensen falls forward into his arms and clings to him like he’s expecting Jared to turn and run away. Jared holds him just as tight, afraid that if he lets go he’ll loose him again. He’s missed Jensen so much and he feels like the only thing he can say is ‘I’m sorry’ so he does.
He rests his cheek against Jensen’s hair and whimpers broken apologies I’m sorry. So, so sorry Jen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry He wants Jensen to know just how much he missed him. He wants him to know how much he still loves him. He wants him to know he’ll never leave again. If Jensen wants Jared to stay, he will. Forever
Jared can feel how hard Jensen’s trembling, though he’s aware of the cooler temperature out here, he’s sure it has nothing to do with it. Jared leans down anyway, wraps his hands around Jensen’s thighs and lifts him up. Jared feels Jensen bring his legs up, clinging to him, holding on tighter as Jared carries him into his house, kicking the door closed behind them.
Jared hears Jensen’s mantra of why, why, why. Jared’s breaking with every word so he says what he feels Never again, ever. I’m sorry. So sorry.
Jared lays Jensen carefully on the sofa and sits beside him, pulls Jensen into his arms and tugs the blanket -his blanket- off the back of the couch to throw over them.
"You kept it." Jared says.
He feels Jensen nod against his chest. He tilts Jensen’s head up to look into his eyes, cups Jensen’s face in his hands and kisses him. Plants kisses on his lips, eyes, nose, neck, cheeks, anywhere he can reach. Whispering words into Jensen’s skin between each kiss “I’ll never leave you.” kiss “Never again.” kiss “So sorry.” kiss “God Jen.” kiss “Love you so much.”
Jared feels himself being pulled closer and closer, Jensen plunges his tongue into Jared’s mouth keeping his grip tight on Jared’s shoulders. He can feel the tears streaming down his face and mingling with Jensen’s on their lips. Jensen’s pulling on his shirt trying to tear it off, Jared gasps the end and pulls it over his head in one smooth move, need as much as Jensen to feel skin-on-skin.
Jared reaches for Jensen’s shirt, waits for Jensen to lift his arms and tugs his shirt off too. When skin meet skin Jared gasps into Jensen mouth and feels Jensen pull back, watches Jensen push himself into a sitting position.
Panic flairs. No, no! Jared thinks. Jensen’s finally come to his senses and is going to push Jared away. The lump in his throat returns but Jensen reaches out for him, pull Jared on top of him, making the lump disappear.
God. Jared’s missed this feeling. Missed being with Jensen like this, being able to touch and kiss. Feel that familiar weight beneath him. The way they fit perfectly together.
He’s missed that so much. And he’s never going to let it go again.
Jared’s kissing Jensen with all he has, trying to convey how sorry he is. Jensen’s trembling under him, sobbing and whispering into his ear. “Make it okay. Make it okay again.”
“Shhh.” Jared soothes into the skin on his neck “I’ll fix it. I’ll fix us, I promise. I swear.” He kisses Jensen again deep and soothing, lets Jensen taste the promise on his tongue. “I’ll make it okay.”
Jared rests his head on Jensen’s chest, tangles their fingers together. He closes his eyes tight , listens to the steady thump, thump, thump of Jensen heart. The tears haven’t stopped flowing since he picked Jensen up in the doorway and they’re still flowing down his cheeks, landing on Jensen skin.
As he lays there he prays. Prays to god that Jensen has it in his heart to understand. Jared’s going to explain everything and he just hopes Jensen can forgive him.
And that’s the last thing he thinks about before he falls asleep.
NEXT PART
Author: dare_to_dream06
Characters: Jared/Jensen
Word count: 3,141
Rating: R
Warning: Angst out the wazoo. And boy kissing. =)
Authors Notes: I needed me some hurty!Jensen, which turned into some hurty!Jensen AND hurty!Jared AND some confused!Mackenzie on the side. So here it is, in Jared’s POV.
Summary: A time line of the hurt Jared’s caused both himself and the only person he’s ever loved. Can he fix what he’s broken?
COMMENTS MAKE ME DANCE! *grins*
ps. I just wanted to thank ahora_11 =) once again for being the most amazing beta eva! =) ♥
1 | 2 | 3
It’s been a month since he’d made that decision.
A whole month.
He feels the bile rise in the back of his throat every time he thinks about what he’s done.
Jared’s sitting in the chair nearest to the window, the one Jensen used to read in. He loved to sit in the warmth of the sun and read while Jared napped on the couch. His book still sits on the side table. He one Jared never let him finish
C’mon Jen. You can finish that anytime you want. He’d said as he trailed kisses down Jensen’s neck. Jared- Jensen laughed as he tried to squirm away. Pleaseee. Jared begged, pulling out the puppy eyes. It took him all of two minutes to get Jensen into bed after that.
Jared’s hands clench the arms of the chair as he remembers that day so clearly. He feels the lump grow in his throat at the memory and rushes to the bathroom just in time to empty his stomach in the toilet, and he lets the tears fall.
-
It’s been seven months since he’d made that decision.
A long seven months.
And he hates himself a little more everyday for letting go the only person he’s ever truly loved. The only person he’s ever been able to say ‘I love you’ besides his family and truly mean it. The person he thought for sure he would spend the rest of his life with.
He can still feel the bile rising every time he thinks about letting him go.
Jared’s sitting on his bed, looking through pictures of them together. He wants to be able to get over this. He wants to be able to stop hurting.
But he can’t.
Nothing will ever change the fact that he’s still in love with Jensen. He thinks about him ever second of every day. He wonders what Jensen’s doing. Wonders if he’s found someone else. Wonders if he hates Jared for what he did and hopes one day Jensen will find it in himself to forgive him.
He’s holding a picture of Jensen and his family. Jensen’s mother sits on the couch between both her sons, smiles on their faces. Mac sits on the floor in front of them, cute as a button. Then his gaze wanders over to Jensen’s father sitting on the arm of the sofa and Jared clenches his teeth, remembering.
Jensen wanted to take Jared home for Christmas. Thought it’d be better to tell his parents about them while Jared was there. I need you to be there. I need you Jensen had said. How could Jared deny anything Jensen needed from him? So he had went along.
Jared’s family knew about them, had known for a while. So they understood when Jared told them he wouldn’t be home for Christmas this year. Jensen needed him and Jared had to be there for support. Do what you have to do honey his mother had said. He wished her all the best and told her they’d be visiting as soon as they could.
Jensen waiting to tell his parents about them until after Christmas just before they left, but Jared always felt as if Jensen’s father had already known. As soon as Jared stepped into the Ackles’ house, Alan’s eyes settled on him. Jared could read the unspoken question in them. Why is my son bringing home YOU for Christmas? Why not a lovely young lady?
Jared felt unsettled in the house. Didn’t like the lingering looks Jensen’s father gave him. But that was nothing, oh no, nothing compared to what happened when Jensen finally told them the truth. Alan had put up a good front for his son. Told him whatever decisions he made in his life was his business but the looks he gave Jared said otherwise.
The day they planned to leave Alan pulled Jared aside. What have you done? he’d asked. Jared gave him a look of confusion.
Excuse me? I don’t know- but before he could finish Alan had started speaking again.
Listen boy. I don’t know what you’ve done to my son. But you’re going to fix it. How do you feel now? How do you feel knowing that Jensen just told his mother she’ll never have grand babies? How do you feel ruining that dream? No son of mine is a faggot and I’ll be damned if I’ll let you say anything that supports that. I don’t care what you do, or how you do it. End it. Y’hear me? End it. Jared had stood there, stock still. Shocked. He didn’t know what to say. I want him to be able to have a real life, a normal life. I don’t want you to breathe a word of this to Jensen because if you do- he left the rest unspoken and walked away.
Did Jared actually ruin Jensen’s life?
Had he ruined Jensen’s chances to have a normal life, with a picket fence and lots of little Jensen’s running around?
Jared felt the lump in his throat when he walked back to meet Jensen in the living room. He didn’t want to be the cause of Jensen’s regret later on in life. All he wanted, was Jensen to be happy. Ready to go? Jensen asked. All Jared could do was nod.
Jared ripped the picture in half, again and again. Trying to erase that horrible day from his memory. Trying his best to convince himself that he’d done the right thing. He’d left Jensen so Jensen could get on with his life, have a normal happy life and forget about Jared.
He curled up on his side, pictures of them scattered around him and cried until he fell asleep.
-
It’s been eleven months since he’d made that decision.
Eleven months since he’d made that stupid decision. The one that ruined his life.
The one that took everything that ever mattered away from him.
And Jensen still means the world to him.
And was everything he’s ever wanted.
It’s been so long since he’s been outside. So long since he’s actually cared enough to do anything other then mope around his house. Chad had often called him telling him he needed to get over this, needed to move on. Said he needed to get out and get some fresh air before he drowned in his own tears and every time he called Jared had hung up on him with a muttered curse.
But today felt different. He’d woken up this morning and though he still felt like half of him was missing -because it was- he decided to take a walk.
So here he was, walking. Strolling, not knowing where he was actually going until he found himself in the part of town he swore he’d never end up.
The part that they shared together.
The part where Jensen lives.
Once he realized where he was, he started to panic. Wanted to turn around and run all the way back home. But he didn’t. It was almost like he couldn’t make his body obey his mind.
And that’s when he saw it. Saw the truck parked in the little corner store they always bought their beer at.
That navy blue ford pickup he spent so many days sitting in.
Jensen’s navy blue ford pickup.
His heart started to beat out of his chest, his breath quickened and he felt the bile rising in his throat, felt the tears threatening to spill.
He walks slowly to the other side of the road, closest to the store and catches sight of Jensen in the window. He panics. Doesn’t know what to do.
What if Jensen hates him now?
What if he blames Jared and can’t even look at him anymore?
Jared doesn’t think he can handle whatever’s behind Jensen’s beautiful green eyes so he ducks behind a near by tree and sits down. He doesn’t know what comes over him but he pulls out his phone and dials a familiar number.
He knows Jensen’s not home and that’s part of the reason he does it. He waits for the familiar voice mail message and just about crumbles when he hears Jensen’s voice.
You’ve reached Jensen Ackles. Sorry I can’t make it to the phone right now but you know what to do and I’ll get back to you.
Jensen I- He starts off, voice strong. Then pauses as he watches Jensen walk out of the store and get into his truck. I shouldn’t be leaving this message. I don’t deserve to leave this message. Jared shuffles uncomfortably on the cold ground, can feel the water seeping through the back of his pants. I saw you today. Saw you at the store. And I-I picked up the phone and dialled your number, knowing you weren’t home. Why he told Jensen that he doesn’t know. When it comes to Jensen, he always feels like he needs to tell the truth. Could never lie. That’s why he’d left a note on the table the day he left, instead of facing Jensen himself. Oh god. I wanted-wanted to walk right up to you... wanted to be there with you. but-but I just, I couldn’t. He stops, holds his breath. Tries to get his emotions under control, then continues. I couldn’t. His voice cracks on the last two words. He lets out a long breath and the sobs take over. He hangs up without saying anything else, not trusting his voice.
He doesn’t know how long he sits by that tree. Sitting and staring into space. He lets the tears fall, surprised he has any left to shed.
When he finally decides to get up, it’s dark and it takes him much longer to get home then it should have.
All the way home he asks himself Can I really live without him?
-
It’s been eleven months and one week since Jared made that stupid choice.
Four months since he’s ripped up that picture and whispered his regrets into his pillow.
One week since he left that message.
One week since he saw Jensen again.
And two hours since he’s decided to fix things.
Two hours ago Jared had been sitting in his living room, curled up on the couch watching Jensen’s favourite movie, when the phone rang.
He didn’t pick it up at first, waiting until it went to his answering machine.
Jared A tiny feminine voice filtered through the air. I know you’re there Jared and it’s fine. You don’t have to pick up, just listen. Mac, he’d recognise that voice anywhere. Mac had called Jared many times over the past few months, first yelling at him. Asking what he’d done to her brother. Then crying to him, asking Jared to fix things. Asking him to make her brother whole again. Jared never told her what happened. Never told her why he left. Then around six months ago her calls tapered off. Recently she hadn’t called at all. So he was surprised to hear her voice. Briefly wondered if she just wanted to yell at him again. I know. She’d said, and Jared felt confused. I know what he said. I know that it’s not your fault. Never has been. Jared’s eyes widened. I went to visit Jensen this week. He’s a mess. He misses you Jared. There’s a pause. Jared hears Mac take a deep breath and she continues. I came home and I was talking to mom about Jensen and what a mess he was when I saw him, when-when I heard dad mutter something under his breath. I asked him what he was talking about and he ignored the question. So I got angry. She stopped again. When she continued her voice wasn’t as strong. He told me what he said Jared. He told me-
Jared leaped for the phone picked it up and breathed a sigh of relief. He talked to Mac for what seemed like forever and she told him not to run anymore. Said not to worry about what her father says because if -and when- Jensen finds out what he did, he’ll be furious. Mac told him that Jensen loves him, told him she knows he loves Jensen too.
That very moment Jared knew he had to fix things between them.
An hour later he was ready.
-
It’s been two hours since he’s figured everything out.
Two hours since he’s come to his senses.
And three minutes until he’s at Jensen’s door.
Jared’s sitting there, in his car, mind reeling. Going over the many things he wants to say. He doesn’t know how Jensen will react to seeing him. He wonders if Jensen will punch him, yell, tell him to leave. Or if he’ll be silent waiting for that explanation Jared needs to give him. Owes him. Wonders if Jensen will even be home.
As he rounds the final turn to Jensen house, his hearts starts to pump faster. His hands are shaking on the wheel and his mouth goes unbelievable dry when he sees Jensen’s house come into view.
Jared pulls up close to Jensen’s house, parks his car in the spot where it belongs and sits for a minute. He takes a deep breath and finally opens the door to get out.
He’s never been this nervous in all his life and as he closes the car door and approaches Jensen’s front step he prays to god that Jensen will understand.
Jared raises his hand to knock, pauses in mid motion and lets out a shaky breath. I can do this. I can. He thinks. It takes all his strength to move his hand that short distance to knock but he does.
He waits for what seems like forever and knocks again. Jensen has to be there. He just has to. Jared shoves his hands in his pockets to stop them from shaking, but it does no good. His eyes are starting to burn, tears collecting blurring his vision. But he doesn’t let them fall. He won’t. Just as he’s thinking about turning around and leaving the door opens.
He glances up when he hears Jensen sucks in that surprised breath and starts to shake harder.
Jensen’s wearing his clothes. His favourite blue shirt that’s so worn it looks grey and his baggy sweat pants he always left there. He takes in the broken feature of Jensen’s face and notices how lost he looks. He wants to say something, anything but when he opens his mouth the only thing that comes out is a broken whisper. "Jen..."
And that’s it.
That one simple word.
That’s the only thing he needed to say.
Jensen falls forward into his arms and clings to him like he’s expecting Jared to turn and run away. Jared holds him just as tight, afraid that if he lets go he’ll loose him again. He’s missed Jensen so much and he feels like the only thing he can say is ‘I’m sorry’ so he does.
He rests his cheek against Jensen’s hair and whimpers broken apologies I’m sorry. So, so sorry Jen. I’m sorry. I’m sorry He wants Jensen to know just how much he missed him. He wants him to know how much he still loves him. He wants him to know he’ll never leave again. If Jensen wants Jared to stay, he will. Forever
Jared can feel how hard Jensen’s trembling, though he’s aware of the cooler temperature out here, he’s sure it has nothing to do with it. Jared leans down anyway, wraps his hands around Jensen’s thighs and lifts him up. Jared feels Jensen bring his legs up, clinging to him, holding on tighter as Jared carries him into his house, kicking the door closed behind them.
Jared hears Jensen’s mantra of why, why, why. Jared’s breaking with every word so he says what he feels Never again, ever. I’m sorry. So sorry.
Jared lays Jensen carefully on the sofa and sits beside him, pulls Jensen into his arms and tugs the blanket -his blanket- off the back of the couch to throw over them.
"You kept it." Jared says.
He feels Jensen nod against his chest. He tilts Jensen’s head up to look into his eyes, cups Jensen’s face in his hands and kisses him. Plants kisses on his lips, eyes, nose, neck, cheeks, anywhere he can reach. Whispering words into Jensen’s skin between each kiss “I’ll never leave you.” kiss “Never again.” kiss “So sorry.” kiss “God Jen.” kiss “Love you so much.”
Jared feels himself being pulled closer and closer, Jensen plunges his tongue into Jared’s mouth keeping his grip tight on Jared’s shoulders. He can feel the tears streaming down his face and mingling with Jensen’s on their lips. Jensen’s pulling on his shirt trying to tear it off, Jared gasps the end and pulls it over his head in one smooth move, need as much as Jensen to feel skin-on-skin.
Jared reaches for Jensen’s shirt, waits for Jensen to lift his arms and tugs his shirt off too. When skin meet skin Jared gasps into Jensen mouth and feels Jensen pull back, watches Jensen push himself into a sitting position.
Panic flairs. No, no! Jared thinks. Jensen’s finally come to his senses and is going to push Jared away. The lump in his throat returns but Jensen reaches out for him, pull Jared on top of him, making the lump disappear.
God. Jared’s missed this feeling. Missed being with Jensen like this, being able to touch and kiss. Feel that familiar weight beneath him. The way they fit perfectly together.
He’s missed that so much. And he’s never going to let it go again.
Jared’s kissing Jensen with all he has, trying to convey how sorry he is. Jensen’s trembling under him, sobbing and whispering into his ear. “Make it okay. Make it okay again.”
“Shhh.” Jared soothes into the skin on his neck “I’ll fix it. I’ll fix us, I promise. I swear.” He kisses Jensen again deep and soothing, lets Jensen taste the promise on his tongue. “I’ll make it okay.”
Jared rests his head on Jensen’s chest, tangles their fingers together. He closes his eyes tight , listens to the steady thump, thump, thump of Jensen heart. The tears haven’t stopped flowing since he picked Jensen up in the doorway and they’re still flowing down his cheeks, landing on Jensen skin.
As he lays there he prays. Prays to god that Jensen has it in his heart to understand. Jared’s going to explain everything and he just hopes Jensen can forgive him.
And that’s the last thing he thinks about before he falls asleep.
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