Late In The Labs
Radek watched his lover from the doorway. He hated that Rodney seemed to feel that it was entirely up to him to save Atlantis. Even now, now that the latest threat was over, Rodney was right back to work. All of the other scientists had gone to their own rooms as things settled, and Radek himself had been out of the lab for several hours. He had been hoping Rodney would join him of his own accord, but he had also known that the loss of two of the scientists had hit the CSO hard. The two men had been new, fresh off the Daedalus, and Rodney (little as he liked to admit it) felt responsible for all of his scientists, especially before they were on Atlantis long enough to figure out what to do in a crisis. Rodney felt equally responsible for the disaster itself, because the new generators, designed to take some of the pressure off of their ZPM, hadn’t been calibrated properly. The scientists had been killed in an explosion while Rodney was desperately getting the generators offline before they overloaded and destroyed the city. Radek knew his lover well enough to know that Rodney was beating himself up, thinking he could have saved them if he had been just a little faster.
With a small sigh, Radek pushed himself off of the door frame and padded over to where his lover sat, scribbling with one hand and typing with the other. “Rodney,” he said quietly, so quietly that the other man didn’t hear him. “Rodney!” The louder tone got Rodney’s attention, and for just a brief moment Radek saw the pain in his lover’s eyes before Rodney masked it with his patented annoyance.
“What? What is it?” Rodney had mellowed slightly since he had come to sleep with Radek, but really… not so much as he could have. He was still prone to annoyance, and he grew sharper the worse his anxiety or sorrow was. When his lover spoke to him now, his voice held the clipped tones that Radek realized meant Rodney was tearing himself apart with guilt.
Radek sighed. “Rodney… Come to bed. We are all resting, as you should be as well. It has been a long day for all of us.”
Rodney glowered. “I can’t stop,” he growled. “I have to double check the sensors, make sure these calibrations are correct, and then go back and check the connections…”
Radek put a hand on his lover’s arm: Rodney was trembling. “Milacku, there is time for this tomorrow. Come to bed.”
Rodney swallowed hard. “I can’t stop!” His voice was filled with hurt, now, the vulnerability he only allowed Radek to see when they were alone. “They’re dead, Radek. I didn’t save them.” His voice grew cold as Rodney tried to lock the pain away. He didn’t quite succeed, however, when he continued. “You were supposed to be on that team. I could have killed you.”
That was more than enough for Radek to hear, to convince him of the root of the problem, even beyond that of losing two good men. He pulled on Rodney’s arm until his lover stood. “You did not kill them,” he said firmly, forcing Rodney to meet his eyes. “Malfunction in generators killed them. Stupidity of Daedalus engineers killed them. You save entire city by determining how to fix mistake.”
Rodney looked ready to argue, but Radek silenced him with a glare of his own. “All rest of team is in bed. You do not need to save city alone every time, milacku.” He tugged on Rodney’s arm. “Now come to bed.”
With a sigh, Rodney seemed to sag and Radek took that as assent. He dropped Rodney’s arm and wrapped his own around Rodney’s waist, instead. “You work too hard, Milaku. Those men… They knew what they sign up for, better even than we, yes? Is sad… Very sad. But you did what you could.”
Rodney didn’t answer for a long time. Not while Radek shut down the lab at the panel by the door, not when he drew Rodney to the transporter and down the hall to the quarters they shared, not even as he allowed his lover to undress him and push him to bed. It was only when they were ensconced in blankets and Radek lay spooned against him that Rodney could bring himself to speak. He was still shaking.
“When they told me there was an explosion in sector two and the team was down, all I could think was that you were gone. You were gone and it was my fault! I should have… should have saved you…” He sounded dangerously close to tears, a rare thing for Rodney McKay.
Radek moved to hush him, but Rodney spoke right over him. “I was so scared, Radek,” he murmured, and convulsively pulled his lover close. “I was sure you were gone…” He was crying now. “I couldn’t lose you, can’t lose you…” He took a shuddering breath, trying to pull himself together. “And when I was finished… When I stopped the overload and I heard your voice on my radio…” He swallowed hard. “I was glad it was them, because… Because… It wasn’t you.”
Radek sighed softly. He had thought something of the sort. His breath was warm on Rodney’s neck as he pressed a soft kiss to the join between shoulder and throat. “I would have felt the same way, milacku. It is nothing to be ashamed of.”
Rodney let out a small sound, the tears coming again despite himself. “I have to write letters. I have to write the letters to their families,” he whispered desperately.
Radek’s grip tightened and he shook his head. “Tomorrow, milacku. Tomorrow. Tonight stay with me, yes?” He leaned close and pressed a soft kiss to Rodney’s lips, chaste and gentle but there nonetheless. “Sleep, milacku, sleep.”
With a sigh Rodney acquiesced, relaxing into the pillow and pulling Radek close. “I love you, too,” he murmured as his eyes drifted closed into sleep.
In the dark, Radek smiled.
With a small sigh, Radek pushed himself off of the door frame and padded over to where his lover sat, scribbling with one hand and typing with the other. “Rodney,” he said quietly, so quietly that the other man didn’t hear him. “Rodney!” The louder tone got Rodney’s attention, and for just a brief moment Radek saw the pain in his lover’s eyes before Rodney masked it with his patented annoyance.
“What? What is it?” Rodney had mellowed slightly since he had come to sleep with Radek, but really… not so much as he could have. He was still prone to annoyance, and he grew sharper the worse his anxiety or sorrow was. When his lover spoke to him now, his voice held the clipped tones that Radek realized meant Rodney was tearing himself apart with guilt.
Radek sighed. “Rodney… Come to bed. We are all resting, as you should be as well. It has been a long day for all of us.”
Rodney glowered. “I can’t stop,” he growled. “I have to double check the sensors, make sure these calibrations are correct, and then go back and check the connections…”
Radek put a hand on his lover’s arm: Rodney was trembling. “Milacku, there is time for this tomorrow. Come to bed.”
Rodney swallowed hard. “I can’t stop!” His voice was filled with hurt, now, the vulnerability he only allowed Radek to see when they were alone. “They’re dead, Radek. I didn’t save them.” His voice grew cold as Rodney tried to lock the pain away. He didn’t quite succeed, however, when he continued. “You were supposed to be on that team. I could have killed you.”
That was more than enough for Radek to hear, to convince him of the root of the problem, even beyond that of losing two good men. He pulled on Rodney’s arm until his lover stood. “You did not kill them,” he said firmly, forcing Rodney to meet his eyes. “Malfunction in generators killed them. Stupidity of Daedalus engineers killed them. You save entire city by determining how to fix mistake.”
Rodney looked ready to argue, but Radek silenced him with a glare of his own. “All rest of team is in bed. You do not need to save city alone every time, milacku.” He tugged on Rodney’s arm. “Now come to bed.”
With a sigh, Rodney seemed to sag and Radek took that as assent. He dropped Rodney’s arm and wrapped his own around Rodney’s waist, instead. “You work too hard, Milaku. Those men… They knew what they sign up for, better even than we, yes? Is sad… Very sad. But you did what you could.”
Rodney didn’t answer for a long time. Not while Radek shut down the lab at the panel by the door, not when he drew Rodney to the transporter and down the hall to the quarters they shared, not even as he allowed his lover to undress him and push him to bed. It was only when they were ensconced in blankets and Radek lay spooned against him that Rodney could bring himself to speak. He was still shaking.
“When they told me there was an explosion in sector two and the team was down, all I could think was that you were gone. You were gone and it was my fault! I should have… should have saved you…” He sounded dangerously close to tears, a rare thing for Rodney McKay.
Radek moved to hush him, but Rodney spoke right over him. “I was so scared, Radek,” he murmured, and convulsively pulled his lover close. “I was sure you were gone…” He was crying now. “I couldn’t lose you, can’t lose you…” He took a shuddering breath, trying to pull himself together. “And when I was finished… When I stopped the overload and I heard your voice on my radio…” He swallowed hard. “I was glad it was them, because… Because… It wasn’t you.”
Radek sighed softly. He had thought something of the sort. His breath was warm on Rodney’s neck as he pressed a soft kiss to the join between shoulder and throat. “I would have felt the same way, milacku. It is nothing to be ashamed of.”
Rodney let out a small sound, the tears coming again despite himself. “I have to write letters. I have to write the letters to their families,” he whispered desperately.
Radek’s grip tightened and he shook his head. “Tomorrow, milacku. Tomorrow. Tonight stay with me, yes?” He leaned close and pressed a soft kiss to Rodney’s lips, chaste and gentle but there nonetheless. “Sleep, milacku, sleep.”
With a sigh Rodney acquiesced, relaxing into the pillow and pulling Radek close. “I love you, too,” he murmured as his eyes drifted closed into sleep.
In the dark, Radek smiled.