Don't You Forget About Me
I've been thinking a lot lately about determining the reasons for my actions and behaviors. Why do I act the way I do? Why do I act out? Why do I pull so hard only to push even harder? What makes Patrick Patrick?
The most comfortable I've ever been around large groups of people have been in two forms: an isolated individual, a wallflower, lost in the masses; and on the stage, pretending (well, I've heard) to be someone I'm not at all. I often claim, truthfully, that I hate being the center of attention. The limelight doesn't suit me, it clashes with my hair. But the stage is a different place altogether. It's more than being someone else. It meant being seen without being seen, being thought of, making magic in a particular way for the entertainment and enjoyment of others.
When I was performing in marching band I was part of something far greater than myself, and we were fantastic. One of only ever two baritones, I stood out as a duo carrying the melodies from the lower octaves, building the surge with the trombones and the tubas, parrying with the trumpets and the woodwinds. With the SCB Orchestra I was a far less talented in comparison to the others, but I made real magic for people, bringing an integral piece of the puzzle of that music to so many. As teams, as ensembles, we brought so much beauty down from the heavens here to earth.
I've both loved and hated being alone these last three years. I constantly assured myself that I had made the right decision, that I had done what was necessary for both myself and for H. She would disagree, of course, but it kept me afloat. I kept reminding myself of the hard lessons I learned from both my experiences with her and since her, and today I find myself learning ever more than I could have imagined. I learned self-sufficiency, I learned to be okay with myself and with who I am, I learned to be okay with the decisions I made, and I learned to get up over and over, to trust in myself and the universe. But as is life, as with all people, we continue to learn (if we choose to follow the signs) throughout each day of our lives until (and perhaps after!) the day we leave this plane.
So what have I learned lately? What does all of this mean?
As humans we all have specific drives that are undeniable and often unknowable. The greatest of these, the most well-known and most cursed is the need, the absolute desire, to be remembered. To be remembered, one must first be seen. Then seen again. Again and again, ad infinitum. We must make ourselves known as often as possible, or make some indelible mark upon the world, in order to be remembered. I never thought I needed to be seen, never wanted to be seen, until someone saw me truly for the first time in my life.
She'll always remember me, even if she doesn't want to give in to it. She trusted me with her heart, and one simply does not leave the hearts of others. It's harder to get in, much easier to stay.
"Let me in
And I'll never leave"
I've been learning lessons about forgiveness lately. I wanted to try practicing this lesson by spending 100 days searching my heart and soul and giving up the weight of a single sin, a single grievance, a regret or a grudge. I lasted one day in the mission because I fell prey again to further Patrickness. I failed in the mission initially, but day one will be to forgive myself that failure and to pick myself up again to try again.
Forgiveness has been a lesson that has come at a cost: my enduring growth. Another has opened her heart willingly to me, as I have to her. In so many ways it feels familiar, and in so many more ways it couldn't be any more unfamiliar. She is a wild creature, but she is honest and true; she forgives willingly and easily; she lives each day to its fullest; she fills me with that life, yet also with so much uncertainty.
Unfamiliarity is a terrifying thing. The unknown is the one thing that scares me more than anything else. Opsimathiphobia - remember that? My primary motivating factor.
---------------------
To be seen, again and again, is required to be remembered. To be remembered means being thought of, people being thoughtful. Where does one draw the line between thoughtfulness and thoughtlessness? Who could claim to be the artist? Wanting desperately to be remembered for the first time in my life makes me wonder when I've asked for too much, or for how much I should ever ask for, or if I'm even supposed to ask for anything at all. The lesson of forgiveness is a hard and large one, but it is certainly not the only lesson I'm being taught these days.
In the process of forgiving myself I am learning to be a better person, a better partner, a better Patrick. I learned strength and fortitude through hardship with another, through necessity by myself. Neither lesson was positively enforced or provided; they were born out of negativity and pain. As I enter into a healthier life, an attempt at a positive and hopeful future with another - a true partner - I am learning to let go of my preconceived notions of what it means to be in a relationship, and instead focusing on reminding myself of everything I've always wanted and intended for a relationship. Two lives joined together as one are still two lives. Two minds, two hearts, two souls, two paths, and a decision to combine those things to create something greater than its composed parts. I hesitate greatly to call it sacrifice. I hesitate greatly to assume it will be anything like what I've experienced before.
Compromise sounds like a better term for it. The bottom line is that I am not alone in this endeavor, and I have been shown great forgiveness for my issues, and I have been shown positive reinforcement and tough love in place of ignorance, grudges, and misunderstanding.
Where does one draw the line between thoughtlessness and thoughtfulness? I do ask for little, at least vocally. But my actions do speak louder than words, and in them I have asked for much more. In attempting to identify the reasons for my actions I have had to vocalize and recognize those actions and the effects they have had. A dual lesson, a reminder of my need to learn forgiveness.
"You can't keep treating people like this," I was once told. I took it personally, but I was confused. I had an idea of what was meant, but I did not understand fully the true consequences of my actions until now. I am learning the difference between thoughtlessness and thoughtfulness through the daily reality of this relationship. What I wanted was a reminder that I was remembered, that I was thought of, while she is off on another trip, a bachelorette party in New Orleans. What I have asked for out loud is that reminder that I am thought of, and it has not always been a request I've been given. But therein lies the rub: what exactly can I ask? How much is too much? And truly, have I not been given exactly what I asked?
Two lives. Two separate people with separate and individual goals, motivations, ways of being, coming together to make something greater.
Forgiveness.
I'm learning so many lessons. Forgiveness comes easy when one considers either more of the matter at hand, or less. Navigating these waters is terrifying. But allowing myself to trust and love again, coupled with that forgiveness... It makes drawing the line between thoughtfulness and thoughtlessness easier, and less necessary.
Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
You're getting there, Patrick. Forgive yourself for failing the first time, and keep trying again and again. Through forgiveness you will not be left behind. Through necessary, kind, and honest words and actions you will not be forgotten. Through love...
...everything.
The most comfortable I've ever been around large groups of people have been in two forms: an isolated individual, a wallflower, lost in the masses; and on the stage, pretending (well, I've heard) to be someone I'm not at all. I often claim, truthfully, that I hate being the center of attention. The limelight doesn't suit me, it clashes with my hair. But the stage is a different place altogether. It's more than being someone else. It meant being seen without being seen, being thought of, making magic in a particular way for the entertainment and enjoyment of others.
When I was performing in marching band I was part of something far greater than myself, and we were fantastic. One of only ever two baritones, I stood out as a duo carrying the melodies from the lower octaves, building the surge with the trombones and the tubas, parrying with the trumpets and the woodwinds. With the SCB Orchestra I was a far less talented in comparison to the others, but I made real magic for people, bringing an integral piece of the puzzle of that music to so many. As teams, as ensembles, we brought so much beauty down from the heavens here to earth.
I've both loved and hated being alone these last three years. I constantly assured myself that I had made the right decision, that I had done what was necessary for both myself and for H. She would disagree, of course, but it kept me afloat. I kept reminding myself of the hard lessons I learned from both my experiences with her and since her, and today I find myself learning ever more than I could have imagined. I learned self-sufficiency, I learned to be okay with myself and with who I am, I learned to be okay with the decisions I made, and I learned to get up over and over, to trust in myself and the universe. But as is life, as with all people, we continue to learn (if we choose to follow the signs) throughout each day of our lives until (and perhaps after!) the day we leave this plane.
So what have I learned lately? What does all of this mean?
As humans we all have specific drives that are undeniable and often unknowable. The greatest of these, the most well-known and most cursed is the need, the absolute desire, to be remembered. To be remembered, one must first be seen. Then seen again. Again and again, ad infinitum. We must make ourselves known as often as possible, or make some indelible mark upon the world, in order to be remembered. I never thought I needed to be seen, never wanted to be seen, until someone saw me truly for the first time in my life.
She'll always remember me, even if she doesn't want to give in to it. She trusted me with her heart, and one simply does not leave the hearts of others. It's harder to get in, much easier to stay.
"Let me in
And I'll never leave"
I've been learning lessons about forgiveness lately. I wanted to try practicing this lesson by spending 100 days searching my heart and soul and giving up the weight of a single sin, a single grievance, a regret or a grudge. I lasted one day in the mission because I fell prey again to further Patrickness. I failed in the mission initially, but day one will be to forgive myself that failure and to pick myself up again to try again.
Forgiveness has been a lesson that has come at a cost: my enduring growth. Another has opened her heart willingly to me, as I have to her. In so many ways it feels familiar, and in so many more ways it couldn't be any more unfamiliar. She is a wild creature, but she is honest and true; she forgives willingly and easily; she lives each day to its fullest; she fills me with that life, yet also with so much uncertainty.
Unfamiliarity is a terrifying thing. The unknown is the one thing that scares me more than anything else. Opsimathiphobia - remember that? My primary motivating factor.
---------------------
To be seen, again and again, is required to be remembered. To be remembered means being thought of, people being thoughtful. Where does one draw the line between thoughtfulness and thoughtlessness? Who could claim to be the artist? Wanting desperately to be remembered for the first time in my life makes me wonder when I've asked for too much, or for how much I should ever ask for, or if I'm even supposed to ask for anything at all. The lesson of forgiveness is a hard and large one, but it is certainly not the only lesson I'm being taught these days.
In the process of forgiving myself I am learning to be a better person, a better partner, a better Patrick. I learned strength and fortitude through hardship with another, through necessity by myself. Neither lesson was positively enforced or provided; they were born out of negativity and pain. As I enter into a healthier life, an attempt at a positive and hopeful future with another - a true partner - I am learning to let go of my preconceived notions of what it means to be in a relationship, and instead focusing on reminding myself of everything I've always wanted and intended for a relationship. Two lives joined together as one are still two lives. Two minds, two hearts, two souls, two paths, and a decision to combine those things to create something greater than its composed parts. I hesitate greatly to call it sacrifice. I hesitate greatly to assume it will be anything like what I've experienced before.
Compromise sounds like a better term for it. The bottom line is that I am not alone in this endeavor, and I have been shown great forgiveness for my issues, and I have been shown positive reinforcement and tough love in place of ignorance, grudges, and misunderstanding.
Where does one draw the line between thoughtlessness and thoughtfulness? I do ask for little, at least vocally. But my actions do speak louder than words, and in them I have asked for much more. In attempting to identify the reasons for my actions I have had to vocalize and recognize those actions and the effects they have had. A dual lesson, a reminder of my need to learn forgiveness.
"You can't keep treating people like this," I was once told. I took it personally, but I was confused. I had an idea of what was meant, but I did not understand fully the true consequences of my actions until now. I am learning the difference between thoughtlessness and thoughtfulness through the daily reality of this relationship. What I wanted was a reminder that I was remembered, that I was thought of, while she is off on another trip, a bachelorette party in New Orleans. What I have asked for out loud is that reminder that I am thought of, and it has not always been a request I've been given. But therein lies the rub: what exactly can I ask? How much is too much? And truly, have I not been given exactly what I asked?
Two lives. Two separate people with separate and individual goals, motivations, ways of being, coming together to make something greater.
Forgiveness.
I'm learning so many lessons. Forgiveness comes easy when one considers either more of the matter at hand, or less. Navigating these waters is terrifying. But allowing myself to trust and love again, coupled with that forgiveness... It makes drawing the line between thoughtfulness and thoughtlessness easier, and less necessary.
Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?
You're getting there, Patrick. Forgive yourself for failing the first time, and keep trying again and again. Through forgiveness you will not be left behind. Through necessary, kind, and honest words and actions you will not be forgotten. Through love...
...everything.