life is fuckin crazy
WOW!!! it has been ages since i wrote in this thing...but i've been wanting to write for a while just to get some things out. if you don't have time to read this you might not want to start cause i tend to get deep once i start writing. so where do i start?
oKayy for a while things were going so amazing. i moved into my new house. i LOVE it. it's kind of boring being way back in bayou gauche but i love my house and i like being somewhere new, not so many memories. things kind of went fast but it seems like it's been so long. me and corey finally ended everything for good, that was needed. things ended pretty badly, but dont they usually?...then school started and my step dad's g-paw passsed away the first day back. i guess that was one way to start off a new year. things were getting better as far as..making new friends..getting close to old ones...and seeying that happyness in life is what YOU make it. i learned alot and relized something new everyday, something that was there all along but i was always blinded by. sometimes the things that break you are the things that make you, the things that hurt you the most at one time make you so happy in the end..when you finally relize things you see what life is all about. i finally started to see what was important in life and things started getting better with the family. i relized how much SHIT i put them through for ONE person who means nothing anymore. i am so grateful for everything they have givin me and even though we have our times, i know they truley want the best for me. i do miss my nanny alot and now i see exaclty what she ment all along.
anyways...school is SHIT..hahnville sucks ass this year. it is so differnt without the seniors and the freshman are so fuckin weird...but you wunna know the best thing? no fuckin drama!!!!!!!!! i don't have his fuckin face to look at everyday in the hallway and i don't have to see her every b-day in class. i don;'t have to worry about the SHIT anymore and things are just so much better this way. it is HARD..english sucks..Ms feild is cool but shes kind of creepy. this senior project shit bites my ass!
i am getting really close to katelyn! i love this chick! and me n angel are getting cool again. brooke was living with me for a while and now shes living with my dad...wow he actually gets to see what its like to be a father. big role.. me n britt arent that close...i think she has ALOT to learn and when she does she will come around. until then she has to leanr the hard way even if she takes 2 years like me...
i got a job at sonc...hahaha...with katelyn and yeah bitch u are lucky u dont eat sonic anymore cause id surley spit in ya fuckin food! anyways the rest of you some see me, and dont forget a tip..haaaa thankss!
well i was having the best times with my friends i was going out alot and def spending alot of time with the marrero click! i love them and miss them deerly..i couldnt miss them anymore than i do at this moment. every second that i am here i am wishing i was back home. everytime i think about the shit i bene through i wihs iw ould have never left. i miss me n vinns deep talks about life..its been a while..but we did have our one DEEPMODE moment a couple weekends ago. haaa..LOVE itt!
i'm going to homecomming...with Chad Leblancc..;) he's GREAT...we still got a while to go b/c unlike SOME people i don't just go out with people just to have someone there...i actaully like him. it's the best feeling in the world to know that i can finally feel for someone else after so long. who knows...we'll seee...
anyways...just as things were going great things kind of got worse all at the same time. Life is just kind of fuckin crazyy. it's weird how wen thigs are going so bad and you think they can't get worse they just do...first off lets start with me...i was doing fine moving on all that good shit...well right afte the hurricane someone decided to talk to me, the nice person i am i listen, bad move. why even did i give them the chance of day, dont ask? but i was very proud of myself b/c for ONCE in 2 years i finally came to my sences..i just can't. well things moved on...whatever. then it's like CRAZY SYCO type shit. i wonder what runs through motherfuckers heads??!?! but i STILL stayed strong and didnt Say a word..i am letting the shit go and trying to stay MATURE, but of course people STILL blame me and call me little bitches and say im immature...but i just tell myself if only you knew..if only i was the bitch you think i am, if only it would matter, but i can't i cant do it. WHY? i don't know..people askl me how i'm so strong and how am i so happy all the time..how do i not go crazy..they say they'd do it..but why even bother? it's done and i am a better person. it's hard sometimes because i always say "everything happens for a reason" but sometimes things happen and you just wihs you wouldnt have let it..i know that i learned from everything that happend to me and that now i am a MUCH stronger person and i know what to look for...but it's still hard when just when you think that someone has already done the worst they could do to you..they go that last stepp. well this is about all i can take. i was strong until now...i just can't take this shit anymore. i'm not fake..i no longer fake my happyness, i no longer pretend that i am okay or write in this thing just so people can see it. i'm done with the dum games and the childish shit i just wish people would get that, if i wanted to go there i'd do it big but i'm trying to move away fro that. i am a good person and i am happy i know i will go on with my life but i can't pretend that this doesn't hurt. i delt with everything else pretty damnn good but this is just about the worst thing you could do. i dont even know what to think besides there must be some kind of chemical embalance somewhere. i love how other people brag about how happy they are but they are so fuckin clueless..it just makes me want to fuckin throw up. anyways..i wihs i wasnt holding so much abck right now i wish i could just tell the whole fuckin world straight upp instead of talkin in this sign shit, but i guess i am getting my point across i could make everyone look like idiots but i prefer to withhold myself. there are so many days when i just wish i would have never moved here, that i could have stayed wheer i belong...that i wouldnt have let someone ruin my life..but then theres that side saying he didn't ruiin you he only mad you stronger. peoepl can think what they want about me and think im fakin shit or whatever but for once in my life i havent been happier without someone. also for people who still feel like they needa talk shit and think they know everythiing about people get a fuckin life because you don't and not everything you here is true.
just when i though that things in my life couldnt get worse...or maybe just in THAT aspect, like it was never going to go away like it was a ghost like they wouldnt just leave me alone..it did. and just as i was saying that everytime you think thats all can happen and you ask God what else he shows you...
my best friend has been going through so much...we always try to have fun and party everyweekend-kind of take our mind of the shit-but just when i thought that nothing else can get worse for her, her father passed away. our birthdays were a week apart..hers was the 10th and her dad died yesterday on the 11th. i don't even know what to say. i have been knowing her for so long..since i was 7 years old and i just remember the way he used to be and its so hard to see someone go and think that THIS is REAL - this is LIFE. i hate to see him loose his life- his family- everythig to this battle. the fact that she hasnt sene him in about 3 months and he was comming home that weekend to give her a car and show her that he ha changed his life- that would have made her world- that would ahve brought the old amanda back just to see her dad be her dad again. and now this...i just keep thinking about how things used to be and how he used ot be. i get so scared of what is going to happen next. i am scared to even ask. i am scared that soemthing is going to happen to one of my friends or maybe even me...or that one time just once we might looose. it's just fuckin scary. i never relized how important these years are, how EVERY choice we make depends on our future. i relized that all this bullshit is not worth it and that i need to live it up right now, do the best i can with the people i care the most for, the people who were always there, and not be scared of anything. amanda- just know that i am here for you no matter what i am here to talk to and you know that, anything that i can do i'm here. bets of luck and like i tild you dont fuck up your lif b/c of all this shit dont let your future go you ahve to much going for you- you are so smart and so strong i know you will make your dad proud.
it's hard when i think about everything and just how i know i can be so much happier. i knwo that someone can make me happy. i already have someone willing to make me happy- rwe have a ways to go but its like crazy how easy it is fro him to do the syco shit he does but for me its so much more. i dont even want to be in that situatuon anymore- but it's like at the same time no matter hwo good someone is to you- your scared- no matter how good they are to you and no matter if they did nothing wrong things are weird b/c you are so used to that one person. i feel like i was married, i was married dude. its crazy. i think one thing that held me to him for so long was the fact of knowing that being with someone else and having to build up to get to that point was going to be so long, like i was never going to be able to be liek that wiht anyone else, i wasnt going to feel comfrtable with anyone else, but i know better. i know its hard for me b/c i actaulyl ahve a heart and im not sickheaded but at the same time i know that its only in time i know that people can fall in love more than once and that things will be infe all in time.
it's weird how like after so maby deep talks and nights of laying in bed thinking i relize what life is all about. i relize how people get caught up. how people fall in love. how people hurt other people. there are some thing i will NEVER find the answers to and some people who i honeslty will never figure out. for so long i alwyas blinded myself and let myslef see only what i wanted to and now that i learned i watch so many people everyday do the samer thing and i just want to fuckin smack the since into them. it's weird to think that "a person can love more than one person" b/c everyone tries to make life out to be such a fairy tale- but realtiy says it's not..its far from it. things arent what they seem and everything doesnt work out perfect. everyone thinks thatr you are met for just one person and all this bull but life throws u so muhc more than that. open up your eyes. well thats about the only thing i could have sayd that night but now i am starting to rethink that maybe its not ebing in love with 2 people its being in love with none. it may actaully be a chemical emblance in your head or maybe your justthat syco and you really just need someone. who knows...i never will but i do one thing i felt it...that hug gave you away ..you may be fake but u can't fake that, i can see it in your eyes but i guess thats the reason i had to walk away befor eigot that deep and now i am happy and i just am ready for all of this to GOOOO...go far away from here if i could i would--but i got about 2 more years..then ULL here i come baby!
i have been experiancing alot of neew things- getting close to new people! lie is such a roller coaster. even though i thought i wasted so muhc of my life away for 2 years i feel like maybe i didnt...i learned and now i have my last 2 years to live it up, to do things i never did before to experiance crazy shit and to see what life is all about. i know that a few months from now im going to look back at this and laugh just as i do when i think about other things now but i will probaly be that muhc closr to where i want to be.
i know the day will come when you relize everything when you become a man, if that can ever really happen and i will be gone i will be happy and for once in your life you maye have to see ME with someone else. that will be the day this all pays offf....
my sister--i love her with every inch of my heart and soul she has been here through thick and thin shes tried her best to see me happy and she is the best thing in the world. if only i could little sister if only i could.....gosh
it's weird to think that each and every person is going through there own problems- for my friends it seems like this has been a ruff year for all of us. but we all stick togther and we all help each other just as we always have. just wehn u think u have it bad look at someone around you b/c even compared to something so big that happend to you-something that may be small for you is huge for them and you dont even know what your closest bestest friend int the world is going throug or what is going through tgere head or what theuy are dealing with. each and everyone of my friends is going through a tough time- some may be worse than others, i'm not going to go into eahc one of there life storys but just keep everyone in your prayers. i love you all and yall are my heart- my world.
oh yeah and i wrote a poem- its the first oine that i actually liek knew what i was doing. i dont think anynone will see it though- maybe marija..anywyas im out caueive written enough. i needed that though. bye
oKayy for a while things were going so amazing. i moved into my new house. i LOVE it. it's kind of boring being way back in bayou gauche but i love my house and i like being somewhere new, not so many memories. things kind of went fast but it seems like it's been so long. me and corey finally ended everything for good, that was needed. things ended pretty badly, but dont they usually?...then school started and my step dad's g-paw passsed away the first day back. i guess that was one way to start off a new year. things were getting better as far as..making new friends..getting close to old ones...and seeying that happyness in life is what YOU make it. i learned alot and relized something new everyday, something that was there all along but i was always blinded by. sometimes the things that break you are the things that make you, the things that hurt you the most at one time make you so happy in the end..when you finally relize things you see what life is all about. i finally started to see what was important in life and things started getting better with the family. i relized how much SHIT i put them through for ONE person who means nothing anymore. i am so grateful for everything they have givin me and even though we have our times, i know they truley want the best for me. i do miss my nanny alot and now i see exaclty what she ment all along.
anyways...school is SHIT..hahnville sucks ass this year. it is so differnt without the seniors and the freshman are so fuckin weird...but you wunna know the best thing? no fuckin drama!!!!!!!!! i don't have his fuckin face to look at everyday in the hallway and i don't have to see her every b-day in class. i don;'t have to worry about the SHIT anymore and things are just so much better this way. it is HARD..english sucks..Ms feild is cool but shes kind of creepy. this senior project shit bites my ass!
i am getting really close to katelyn! i love this chick! and me n angel are getting cool again. brooke was living with me for a while and now shes living with my dad...wow he actually gets to see what its like to be a father. big role.. me n britt arent that close...i think she has ALOT to learn and when she does she will come around. until then she has to leanr the hard way even if she takes 2 years like me...
i got a job at sonc...hahaha...with katelyn and yeah bitch u are lucky u dont eat sonic anymore cause id surley spit in ya fuckin food! anyways the rest of you some see me, and dont forget a tip..haaaa thankss!
well i was having the best times with my friends i was going out alot and def spending alot of time with the marrero click! i love them and miss them deerly..i couldnt miss them anymore than i do at this moment. every second that i am here i am wishing i was back home. everytime i think about the shit i bene through i wihs iw ould have never left. i miss me n vinns deep talks about life..its been a while..but we did have our one DEEPMODE moment a couple weekends ago. haaa..LOVE itt!
i'm going to homecomming...with Chad Leblancc..;) he's GREAT...we still got a while to go b/c unlike SOME people i don't just go out with people just to have someone there...i actaully like him. it's the best feeling in the world to know that i can finally feel for someone else after so long. who knows...we'll seee...
anyways...just as things were going great things kind of got worse all at the same time. Life is just kind of fuckin crazyy. it's weird how wen thigs are going so bad and you think they can't get worse they just do...first off lets start with me...i was doing fine moving on all that good shit...well right afte the hurricane someone decided to talk to me, the nice person i am i listen, bad move. why even did i give them the chance of day, dont ask? but i was very proud of myself b/c for ONCE in 2 years i finally came to my sences..i just can't. well things moved on...whatever. then it's like CRAZY SYCO type shit. i wonder what runs through motherfuckers heads??!?! but i STILL stayed strong and didnt Say a word..i am letting the shit go and trying to stay MATURE, but of course people STILL blame me and call me little bitches and say im immature...but i just tell myself if only you knew..if only i was the bitch you think i am, if only it would matter, but i can't i cant do it. WHY? i don't know..people askl me how i'm so strong and how am i so happy all the time..how do i not go crazy..they say they'd do it..but why even bother? it's done and i am a better person. it's hard sometimes because i always say "everything happens for a reason" but sometimes things happen and you just wihs you wouldnt have let it..i know that i learned from everything that happend to me and that now i am a MUCH stronger person and i know what to look for...but it's still hard when just when you think that someone has already done the worst they could do to you..they go that last stepp. well this is about all i can take. i was strong until now...i just can't take this shit anymore. i'm not fake..i no longer fake my happyness, i no longer pretend that i am okay or write in this thing just so people can see it. i'm done with the dum games and the childish shit i just wish people would get that, if i wanted to go there i'd do it big but i'm trying to move away fro that. i am a good person and i am happy i know i will go on with my life but i can't pretend that this doesn't hurt. i delt with everything else pretty damnn good but this is just about the worst thing you could do. i dont even know what to think besides there must be some kind of chemical embalance somewhere. i love how other people brag about how happy they are but they are so fuckin clueless..it just makes me want to fuckin throw up. anyways..i wihs i wasnt holding so much abck right now i wish i could just tell the whole fuckin world straight upp instead of talkin in this sign shit, but i guess i am getting my point across i could make everyone look like idiots but i prefer to withhold myself. there are so many days when i just wish i would have never moved here, that i could have stayed wheer i belong...that i wouldnt have let someone ruin my life..but then theres that side saying he didn't ruiin you he only mad you stronger. peoepl can think what they want about me and think im fakin shit or whatever but for once in my life i havent been happier without someone. also for people who still feel like they needa talk shit and think they know everythiing about people get a fuckin life because you don't and not everything you here is true.
just when i though that things in my life couldnt get worse...or maybe just in THAT aspect, like it was never going to go away like it was a ghost like they wouldnt just leave me alone..it did. and just as i was saying that everytime you think thats all can happen and you ask God what else he shows you...
my best friend has been going through so much...we always try to have fun and party everyweekend-kind of take our mind of the shit-but just when i thought that nothing else can get worse for her, her father passed away. our birthdays were a week apart..hers was the 10th and her dad died yesterday on the 11th. i don't even know what to say. i have been knowing her for so long..since i was 7 years old and i just remember the way he used to be and its so hard to see someone go and think that THIS is REAL - this is LIFE. i hate to see him loose his life- his family- everythig to this battle. the fact that she hasnt sene him in about 3 months and he was comming home that weekend to give her a car and show her that he ha changed his life- that would have made her world- that would ahve brought the old amanda back just to see her dad be her dad again. and now this...i just keep thinking about how things used to be and how he used ot be. i get so scared of what is going to happen next. i am scared to even ask. i am scared that soemthing is going to happen to one of my friends or maybe even me...or that one time just once we might looose. it's just fuckin scary. i never relized how important these years are, how EVERY choice we make depends on our future. i relized that all this bullshit is not worth it and that i need to live it up right now, do the best i can with the people i care the most for, the people who were always there, and not be scared of anything. amanda- just know that i am here for you no matter what i am here to talk to and you know that, anything that i can do i'm here. bets of luck and like i tild you dont fuck up your lif b/c of all this shit dont let your future go you ahve to much going for you- you are so smart and so strong i know you will make your dad proud.
it's hard when i think about everything and just how i know i can be so much happier. i knwo that someone can make me happy. i already have someone willing to make me happy- rwe have a ways to go but its like crazy how easy it is fro him to do the syco shit he does but for me its so much more. i dont even want to be in that situatuon anymore- but it's like at the same time no matter hwo good someone is to you- your scared- no matter how good they are to you and no matter if they did nothing wrong things are weird b/c you are so used to that one person. i feel like i was married, i was married dude. its crazy. i think one thing that held me to him for so long was the fact of knowing that being with someone else and having to build up to get to that point was going to be so long, like i was never going to be able to be liek that wiht anyone else, i wasnt going to feel comfrtable with anyone else, but i know better. i know its hard for me b/c i actaulyl ahve a heart and im not sickheaded but at the same time i know that its only in time i know that people can fall in love more than once and that things will be infe all in time.
it's weird how like after so maby deep talks and nights of laying in bed thinking i relize what life is all about. i relize how people get caught up. how people fall in love. how people hurt other people. there are some thing i will NEVER find the answers to and some people who i honeslty will never figure out. for so long i alwyas blinded myself and let myslef see only what i wanted to and now that i learned i watch so many people everyday do the samer thing and i just want to fuckin smack the since into them. it's weird to think that "a person can love more than one person" b/c everyone tries to make life out to be such a fairy tale- but realtiy says it's not..its far from it. things arent what they seem and everything doesnt work out perfect. everyone thinks thatr you are met for just one person and all this bull but life throws u so muhc more than that. open up your eyes. well thats about the only thing i could have sayd that night but now i am starting to rethink that maybe its not ebing in love with 2 people its being in love with none. it may actaully be a chemical emblance in your head or maybe your justthat syco and you really just need someone. who knows...i never will but i do one thing i felt it...that hug gave you away ..you may be fake but u can't fake that, i can see it in your eyes but i guess thats the reason i had to walk away befor eigot that deep and now i am happy and i just am ready for all of this to GOOOO...go far away from here if i could i would--but i got about 2 more years..then ULL here i come baby!
i have been experiancing alot of neew things- getting close to new people! lie is such a roller coaster. even though i thought i wasted so muhc of my life away for 2 years i feel like maybe i didnt...i learned and now i have my last 2 years to live it up, to do things i never did before to experiance crazy shit and to see what life is all about. i know that a few months from now im going to look back at this and laugh just as i do when i think about other things now but i will probaly be that muhc closr to where i want to be.
i know the day will come when you relize everything when you become a man, if that can ever really happen and i will be gone i will be happy and for once in your life you maye have to see ME with someone else. that will be the day this all pays offf....
my sister--i love her with every inch of my heart and soul she has been here through thick and thin shes tried her best to see me happy and she is the best thing in the world. if only i could little sister if only i could.....gosh
it's weird to think that each and every person is going through there own problems- for my friends it seems like this has been a ruff year for all of us. but we all stick togther and we all help each other just as we always have. just wehn u think u have it bad look at someone around you b/c even compared to something so big that happend to you-something that may be small for you is huge for them and you dont even know what your closest bestest friend int the world is going throug or what is going through tgere head or what theuy are dealing with. each and everyone of my friends is going through a tough time- some may be worse than others, i'm not going to go into eahc one of there life storys but just keep everyone in your prayers. i love you all and yall are my heart- my world.
oh yeah and i wrote a poem- its the first oine that i actually liek knew what i was doing. i dont think anynone will see it though- maybe marija..anywyas im out caueive written enough. i needed that though. bye