Vesper, part 11/13
Title: Vesper
Fandom/Pairing: Twilight, Edward/Bella
Rating: PG-13
Category: Romance, Drama
Spoilers: AU, but there are references to all four books. You'll probably just glance over them if you haven't read BD, however.
Summary: In an alternate universe, the Cullens stayed in Alaska for three more years than in the books, so Bella spends the end of her junior year in Forks without Edward. How will she deal with her inevitable feelings for him when she's already dating Jacob and mostly happy with her life?
x-posted at lion_lamb, Twilighted, and ff.net
Chapter 11: Time
On Saturday, Bella almost lost her virginity. She couldn’t remember Friday. It was so easy to lose herself in Jacob’s relentless sexual energy, kissing him, touching him. He was so focused, it made up for her lack of focus in anything since…
Jacob had been extra affectionate since Edward left. “I’ve got you back,” he’d said a few times over the past few days, as if she wasn’t more lost to him than ever before. All she could think of was Edward. She could smell him, still, like a phantom limb, one she never knew she used so much. She had found so far that she could throw herself into homework or into fooling around with Jacob, but Edward was always there, maybe standing in the corner of the room, watching her with that mocking expression he’d given her when…
Trying to forget? he’d say, raise an eyebrow. You should try. I don’t want you.
“Bella,” Jacob whispered, taking off her pants. “You-you want to?”
“Yes,” she said with no idea what she was agreeing to. She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him, underscoring her affirmative.
He gave gentle kisses to her neck and made quick work of her jeans, his jeans, her panties, his boxers. Bella stared out her window. Edward had only come through her window once and that was after he’d asked, after she’d begged him. Even if he did care about her, which he didn’t, he would never just come in. Come in, she pleaded, as if he was hiding in the trees across the road.
“Bella,” Jacob said. She pet his shoulder. Was Edward doing this with Tanya right now? Maybe his crush on Bella had shown him Tanya was the right person after all. “Bella.” She had finished Doctor Zhivago. Yury dies and Lara gets sent to a concentration camp. She wished Edward had been forced away by evil government. She wished she was dead. The moon was bright tonight, in a surprisingly clear sky. “Bella!”
She turned and looked at Jacob, sitting on his legs staring at her. She fingered a piece of foil on the comforter. He’d remembered a condom. That was considerate. A glance at confirmed that he was ready to go. Why hadn’t he started? “Bella, where are you?”
“I’m right here.” She gave a little smile, looked up at him through her eyelashes, and reached up to his shoulders.
“No, you’re not. I can’t do this without you.” He pulled the condom off with a snap and pulled his boxers back on, then went to her dresser and pulled out a long nightshirt. He tossed it to her and she put it on, curling into herself on her side. Here came another sleepless night. Jacob pulled the covers up around her, then lay on top of them next to her. “Bella…”
She wanted to apologize, but she didn’t even feel that. She just felt empty.
//
Bella was reading the next chapter of her Calculus book when Charlie knocked on her door on Sunday. She didn’t know what problems Mr. Varner would assign, but she didn’t mind doing them all. It was distracting at least. “Hey, Bells,” he said. He was getting worried about her, she could tell, but thought it was probably just a teenage funk. “I was thinking you and Angela and Jessica could go to Port Angeles and buy a new dress for the scholarship acceptance thing next Friday. My treat.” Clearly he thought the funk could be cleaned out by shopping
“What scholarship acceptance thing?”
“For Happy Value,” he said slowly, wrinkling his brow. “They’re having a little ceremony. The CEO’s going to give you your first check and the mayor’s going to be there… I’m going to be there, too, I mean, as the Police Chief, I have to be. I’ve gone since they started this thing, but, Bella, it’s so special that it’s going to be you up there this time. That Edward’s really something I’m really sorry they all had to go back to Alaska for that funeral.”
Was that the story? “Yeah.” She went back to the Calculus book.
“So… do you want to get a dress? I’ll swing for gas, dinner out…”
“That’s okay,” she said, refusing to look up at his worried face. “I’m sure I have something.” She did, actually, still have the blue silk dress Alice bought in New York. She ran to her closet - she had seen Edward the night she’d worn it, sat close to him - maybe it still smelled like him. It was wrapped in plastic on a wire hanger, though, and she remembered she’d had it dry-cleaned. It smelled like ten-dollar soap. “Um, this,” she said to explain her sudden movement and thrust it out at Charlie.
“Okay,” he said uncertainly. “Maybe you could-”
She quickly put the dress back and sat down, Calculus book in lap. “Midterms are coming already, can you believe it? We’ll all do something when we’re not so busy.” He shrugged. “Did you bring home something good to cook for dinner?”
“Of course!” Grinning, Charlie described his best catch and Bella focused on every word to stay focused on him.
Monday dragged on. When it was time to go to the library, the third study session in a row that wasn’t happening, she felt close to hyperventilating. Mike and Tyler stopped to talk to her, but that just made it worse. She ran to the main office and asked Mrs. Cope if she could use the phone.
“Are you all right, dear?” she asked. Bella nodded spastically. Frowning, Mrs. Cope lifted the phone on to the desk’s ledge and Bella called Jacob. School had only been out for ten minutes in La Push, too, but maybe he was home already. She tapped her foot waiting for someone to pick up the phone. Finally, he did.
“Hi! Do you mind if I come over and do homework right now?” She could have just gone over, but if he and the pack had something planned, sitting alone in his house would be worse than sitting alone in hers.
“Don’t you have a Calculus thing?”
“Cancelled!” she shrieked and fought tears. “But I’m all revved up to study and-”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said. “I mean, yeah, of course. You’re always welcome here.”
“And you’ll stay with me?” Mrs. Cope looked very close to calling Charlie, so Bella tried to smile at her. This only deepened the woman’s frown.
“Of course, yeah.”
“Great! See you soon!” She hung up and handed the phone back to Mrs. Cope. “I’m really fine. Just-” There was nothing to say, so she rushed out of the office and towards her car. The ground was slick, though, and she slipped, falling backwards on to her bottom, then her back. A worried crowd formed, the worst part of being clumsy, something she’d forgotten because-Edward had been there to catch her the past five months.
She wanted to die.
It was better with Jacob, in two ways. It was better being with him now than being with anyone else, especially alone with herself. It was also better with him now than it had been in months. In an effort to make her feel better, he was acting more like before his werewolf gene had woken up and he and the pack started sharing thoughts. He made her smile, he babbled in that way she found charming when she was falling in love with him.
Sometimes she could go whole hours without thinking of Edward. Tuesday. Wednesday. At night, she never knew when she fell asleep because it was all the same: wishing for Edward, waiting for Edward. Thursday. Friday.
The Happy Value Scholarship Ceremony was held at five o’clock. It was widely attended by people who cared about her: Charlie, Jacob, Billy, Sam and Emily, Quil, Embry, Jared and Kim, Paul, Seth, Leah, and their parents, Mike, Angela, Ben, Jessica, Eric, Tyler, Austin, Conner, even Lauren and kids she didn’t know the names of from school. Not Edward. Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett were in the back of the crowd, but that just made it more obvious that Edward wasn’t there.
Malcolm Happy, Happy Value’s CEO, gave a longwinded speech about the value of ambition, the value of education, and the value of life, then brought it around to Bella. But to introduce her, he first talked about Edward Cullen, the earnest young man who made it clear that she was the only option for this scholarship. “Although I know Forks has many bright, talented youth, Mr. Cullen was persistent. He presented signatures of half this town, recommendations from teachers here and Phoenix, Arizona, where Miss Swan began her education, graded projects and tests, samples of her college application essays… he even had a PowerPoint presentation prepared. I wish, and I’m sure he wishes, that he could be here today to present the result of all his hard work to his friend, but I am pleased to claim responsibility.”
He talked about Bella, then, but she stopped listening. Keeping her expression even and appreciative for the three camera crews took all her attention.
How could he do that for her and then leave? How could he track down a teacher that still remembered her from her huge Phoenix high school and not care about her at all? She desperately wanted to ask his family, but, despite their presence here, Rosalie was as distant at school as she was when the Cullens first arrived and the two times she went to their house, it was deserted. Only the south wall’s generous view of the interior convinced her they hadn’t moved all together.
When the crowd started clapping, Bella forced her smile wider and turned to Malcolm Happy and shook his hand, accepted an oversized check, and smiled with him for many flashing cameras. She wasn’t required to make a speech, but there was something of a press conference afterwards and then Lauren escorted her to Sally Mallory. Her early questions were quite harmless, but she made the climax of her interview with the juicy stuff.
“Edward Cullen has saved you from an armed burglar, a speeding car, and going into debt for a college education. You must be very grateful to this young man.”
Bella nodded, and focused on maintaining a smile while her mouth moved. “Of course I am. He was a good friend to me for a long time.”
“Was?” Sally Mallory’s face was as hard as her curls.
“Is!” She swallowed a few times, her throat only getting tighter and dryer. “Has been a good friend, is what I meant.”
“And why isn’t is he today?”
Turning to the camera, Bella said the first thing that came to mind. “He’s saving the sea otters in Northern Alaska.”
Sally Mallory blinked at her, then blinked at the camera. “Well-there you have it. Isabella Swan, the 2008 Happy Value scholar and one of Edward Cullen’s many causes.”
For a few blissful moments, Bella was alone. Before the loneliness of being alone could strike her, Jacob was at her side. “So. I can’t believe Cullen did this for you. You knew?”
“There are a few Cullens, Jake, so don’t-”
“I think you know what Cullen I mean.” Bella pressed her hands to her face. It was better when she could cut out even one sense. “You knew he got you the scholarship?”
“I-Charlie helped. I have to go.” She thrust the check at Jacob and ran towards her truck, the whole town population who wanted to congratulate her. Thankfully she didn’t trip or they would have swarmed and she wouldn’t have gotten out of there until dinnertime. She had no awareness of driving, but the next time she looked up she was at the trailhead that marked the way to the meadow. Could she find it without Edward to carry her there? It was four o’clock on Friday afternoon and she had all weekend to try.
Ten steps into the forest, she stumbled over a protruding tree root. She realized that underneath her jacket, she was wearing a dress, tights, and a pair of heeled ankle boots. She was not what you would call prepared for a hike. The sensible thing to do would be to get a map, a compass, maybe a boyfriend who knew his way around the forest, but she took another step forward. Going anywhere else sounded worse than getting lost.
It was pitch black in the forest by six o’clock. Bella had no idea where she was. She hadn’t tripped since it became too dark to see, but her luck wasn’t going to last much longer. When she fell, she didn’t know how she would get up. What would she grab on to? What direction would she go then? Sleeping out here wouldn’t be too bad. It was freezing, but… maybe she’d die out here. That wouldn’t be too bad either.
Finally, she did lose her footing on a some slippery leaves. She felt the skin of one knee and her palms break, but the stinging was submerged within the numbness. Feeling moss against her left arm, she tossed herself on to her back that direction and lay there, catching her breath.
“Bella!” a voice said. It was Edward. She was hallucinating. She knew death wouldn’t be so bad. “What are you doing in the woods in the middle of the night?”
“The middle of the night? Come on,” she argued. “It can’t be seven yet.” She was arguing with her own hallucination. She felt amazing, her whole body basking in release and then she realized she was laughing. It felt like the first time she’d used her lungs in days, the first time she didn’t have to appropriately organize her mouth.
“Hypothermia, wild animals, and vampires don’t squabble over if it’s seven p.m. or two a.m., Bella!” her Edward snapped. “Do you want to die?”
She stopped laughing. “Yes,” she said softly.
His face appeared above her, beautiful and sad. She felt his cold arms wrap around her through her jeans and he ran through the forest. She pressed her face into his neck against the biting wind. The hallucination even smelled the same. When he laid her down on the soft grass of the meadow, she thought for a moment that this was heaven.
When she realized that this was all real, it took her ten seconds to get mad.
//
Okay! So it gets happy from here. Thank you for making it through all the angst. I have technically written an interlude here, from Carlisle and Esme's first meeting, to contrast with Edward and Bella's relationship, but I can understand if you want to pass over it. I might post it on its own.
Interlude 2: Waking Up
Or! Move on to more real plot:
Chapter 12: The Truth
Fandom/Pairing: Twilight, Edward/Bella
Rating: PG-13
Category: Romance, Drama
Spoilers: AU, but there are references to all four books. You'll probably just glance over them if you haven't read BD, however.
Summary: In an alternate universe, the Cullens stayed in Alaska for three more years than in the books, so Bella spends the end of her junior year in Forks without Edward. How will she deal with her inevitable feelings for him when she's already dating Jacob and mostly happy with her life?
x-posted at lion_lamb, Twilighted, and ff.net
Chapter 11: Time
On Saturday, Bella almost lost her virginity. She couldn’t remember Friday. It was so easy to lose herself in Jacob’s relentless sexual energy, kissing him, touching him. He was so focused, it made up for her lack of focus in anything since…
Jacob had been extra affectionate since Edward left. “I’ve got you back,” he’d said a few times over the past few days, as if she wasn’t more lost to him than ever before. All she could think of was Edward. She could smell him, still, like a phantom limb, one she never knew she used so much. She had found so far that she could throw herself into homework or into fooling around with Jacob, but Edward was always there, maybe standing in the corner of the room, watching her with that mocking expression he’d given her when…
Trying to forget? he’d say, raise an eyebrow. You should try. I don’t want you.
“Bella,” Jacob whispered, taking off her pants. “You-you want to?”
“Yes,” she said with no idea what she was agreeing to. She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him, underscoring her affirmative.
He gave gentle kisses to her neck and made quick work of her jeans, his jeans, her panties, his boxers. Bella stared out her window. Edward had only come through her window once and that was after he’d asked, after she’d begged him. Even if he did care about her, which he didn’t, he would never just come in. Come in, she pleaded, as if he was hiding in the trees across the road.
“Bella,” Jacob said. She pet his shoulder. Was Edward doing this with Tanya right now? Maybe his crush on Bella had shown him Tanya was the right person after all. “Bella.” She had finished Doctor Zhivago. Yury dies and Lara gets sent to a concentration camp. She wished Edward had been forced away by evil government. She wished she was dead. The moon was bright tonight, in a surprisingly clear sky. “Bella!”
She turned and looked at Jacob, sitting on his legs staring at her. She fingered a piece of foil on the comforter. He’d remembered a condom. That was considerate. A glance at confirmed that he was ready to go. Why hadn’t he started? “Bella, where are you?”
“I’m right here.” She gave a little smile, looked up at him through her eyelashes, and reached up to his shoulders.
“No, you’re not. I can’t do this without you.” He pulled the condom off with a snap and pulled his boxers back on, then went to her dresser and pulled out a long nightshirt. He tossed it to her and she put it on, curling into herself on her side. Here came another sleepless night. Jacob pulled the covers up around her, then lay on top of them next to her. “Bella…”
She wanted to apologize, but she didn’t even feel that. She just felt empty.
//
Bella was reading the next chapter of her Calculus book when Charlie knocked on her door on Sunday. She didn’t know what problems Mr. Varner would assign, but she didn’t mind doing them all. It was distracting at least. “Hey, Bells,” he said. He was getting worried about her, she could tell, but thought it was probably just a teenage funk. “I was thinking you and Angela and Jessica could go to Port Angeles and buy a new dress for the scholarship acceptance thing next Friday. My treat.” Clearly he thought the funk could be cleaned out by shopping
“What scholarship acceptance thing?”
“For Happy Value,” he said slowly, wrinkling his brow. “They’re having a little ceremony. The CEO’s going to give you your first check and the mayor’s going to be there… I’m going to be there, too, I mean, as the Police Chief, I have to be. I’ve gone since they started this thing, but, Bella, it’s so special that it’s going to be you up there this time. That Edward’s really something I’m really sorry they all had to go back to Alaska for that funeral.”
Was that the story? “Yeah.” She went back to the Calculus book.
“So… do you want to get a dress? I’ll swing for gas, dinner out…”
“That’s okay,” she said, refusing to look up at his worried face. “I’m sure I have something.” She did, actually, still have the blue silk dress Alice bought in New York. She ran to her closet - she had seen Edward the night she’d worn it, sat close to him - maybe it still smelled like him. It was wrapped in plastic on a wire hanger, though, and she remembered she’d had it dry-cleaned. It smelled like ten-dollar soap. “Um, this,” she said to explain her sudden movement and thrust it out at Charlie.
“Okay,” he said uncertainly. “Maybe you could-”
She quickly put the dress back and sat down, Calculus book in lap. “Midterms are coming already, can you believe it? We’ll all do something when we’re not so busy.” He shrugged. “Did you bring home something good to cook for dinner?”
“Of course!” Grinning, Charlie described his best catch and Bella focused on every word to stay focused on him.
Monday dragged on. When it was time to go to the library, the third study session in a row that wasn’t happening, she felt close to hyperventilating. Mike and Tyler stopped to talk to her, but that just made it worse. She ran to the main office and asked Mrs. Cope if she could use the phone.
“Are you all right, dear?” she asked. Bella nodded spastically. Frowning, Mrs. Cope lifted the phone on to the desk’s ledge and Bella called Jacob. School had only been out for ten minutes in La Push, too, but maybe he was home already. She tapped her foot waiting for someone to pick up the phone. Finally, he did.
“Hi! Do you mind if I come over and do homework right now?” She could have just gone over, but if he and the pack had something planned, sitting alone in his house would be worse than sitting alone in hers.
“Don’t you have a Calculus thing?”
“Cancelled!” she shrieked and fought tears. “But I’m all revved up to study and-”
“Yeah, yeah,” he said. “I mean, yeah, of course. You’re always welcome here.”
“And you’ll stay with me?” Mrs. Cope looked very close to calling Charlie, so Bella tried to smile at her. This only deepened the woman’s frown.
“Of course, yeah.”
“Great! See you soon!” She hung up and handed the phone back to Mrs. Cope. “I’m really fine. Just-” There was nothing to say, so she rushed out of the office and towards her car. The ground was slick, though, and she slipped, falling backwards on to her bottom, then her back. A worried crowd formed, the worst part of being clumsy, something she’d forgotten because-Edward had been there to catch her the past five months.
She wanted to die.
It was better with Jacob, in two ways. It was better being with him now than being with anyone else, especially alone with herself. It was also better with him now than it had been in months. In an effort to make her feel better, he was acting more like before his werewolf gene had woken up and he and the pack started sharing thoughts. He made her smile, he babbled in that way she found charming when she was falling in love with him.
Sometimes she could go whole hours without thinking of Edward. Tuesday. Wednesday. At night, she never knew when she fell asleep because it was all the same: wishing for Edward, waiting for Edward. Thursday. Friday.
The Happy Value Scholarship Ceremony was held at five o’clock. It was widely attended by people who cared about her: Charlie, Jacob, Billy, Sam and Emily, Quil, Embry, Jared and Kim, Paul, Seth, Leah, and their parents, Mike, Angela, Ben, Jessica, Eric, Tyler, Austin, Conner, even Lauren and kids she didn’t know the names of from school. Not Edward. Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett were in the back of the crowd, but that just made it more obvious that Edward wasn’t there.
Malcolm Happy, Happy Value’s CEO, gave a longwinded speech about the value of ambition, the value of education, and the value of life, then brought it around to Bella. But to introduce her, he first talked about Edward Cullen, the earnest young man who made it clear that she was the only option for this scholarship. “Although I know Forks has many bright, talented youth, Mr. Cullen was persistent. He presented signatures of half this town, recommendations from teachers here and Phoenix, Arizona, where Miss Swan began her education, graded projects and tests, samples of her college application essays… he even had a PowerPoint presentation prepared. I wish, and I’m sure he wishes, that he could be here today to present the result of all his hard work to his friend, but I am pleased to claim responsibility.”
He talked about Bella, then, but she stopped listening. Keeping her expression even and appreciative for the three camera crews took all her attention.
How could he do that for her and then leave? How could he track down a teacher that still remembered her from her huge Phoenix high school and not care about her at all? She desperately wanted to ask his family, but, despite their presence here, Rosalie was as distant at school as she was when the Cullens first arrived and the two times she went to their house, it was deserted. Only the south wall’s generous view of the interior convinced her they hadn’t moved all together.
When the crowd started clapping, Bella forced her smile wider and turned to Malcolm Happy and shook his hand, accepted an oversized check, and smiled with him for many flashing cameras. She wasn’t required to make a speech, but there was something of a press conference afterwards and then Lauren escorted her to Sally Mallory. Her early questions were quite harmless, but she made the climax of her interview with the juicy stuff.
“Edward Cullen has saved you from an armed burglar, a speeding car, and going into debt for a college education. You must be very grateful to this young man.”
Bella nodded, and focused on maintaining a smile while her mouth moved. “Of course I am. He was a good friend to me for a long time.”
“Was?” Sally Mallory’s face was as hard as her curls.
“Is!” She swallowed a few times, her throat only getting tighter and dryer. “Has been a good friend, is what I meant.”
“And why isn’t is he today?”
Turning to the camera, Bella said the first thing that came to mind. “He’s saving the sea otters in Northern Alaska.”
Sally Mallory blinked at her, then blinked at the camera. “Well-there you have it. Isabella Swan, the 2008 Happy Value scholar and one of Edward Cullen’s many causes.”
For a few blissful moments, Bella was alone. Before the loneliness of being alone could strike her, Jacob was at her side. “So. I can’t believe Cullen did this for you. You knew?”
“There are a few Cullens, Jake, so don’t-”
“I think you know what Cullen I mean.” Bella pressed her hands to her face. It was better when she could cut out even one sense. “You knew he got you the scholarship?”
“I-Charlie helped. I have to go.” She thrust the check at Jacob and ran towards her truck, the whole town population who wanted to congratulate her. Thankfully she didn’t trip or they would have swarmed and she wouldn’t have gotten out of there until dinnertime. She had no awareness of driving, but the next time she looked up she was at the trailhead that marked the way to the meadow. Could she find it without Edward to carry her there? It was four o’clock on Friday afternoon and she had all weekend to try.
Ten steps into the forest, she stumbled over a protruding tree root. She realized that underneath her jacket, she was wearing a dress, tights, and a pair of heeled ankle boots. She was not what you would call prepared for a hike. The sensible thing to do would be to get a map, a compass, maybe a boyfriend who knew his way around the forest, but she took another step forward. Going anywhere else sounded worse than getting lost.
It was pitch black in the forest by six o’clock. Bella had no idea where she was. She hadn’t tripped since it became too dark to see, but her luck wasn’t going to last much longer. When she fell, she didn’t know how she would get up. What would she grab on to? What direction would she go then? Sleeping out here wouldn’t be too bad. It was freezing, but… maybe she’d die out here. That wouldn’t be too bad either.
Finally, she did lose her footing on a some slippery leaves. She felt the skin of one knee and her palms break, but the stinging was submerged within the numbness. Feeling moss against her left arm, she tossed herself on to her back that direction and lay there, catching her breath.
“Bella!” a voice said. It was Edward. She was hallucinating. She knew death wouldn’t be so bad. “What are you doing in the woods in the middle of the night?”
“The middle of the night? Come on,” she argued. “It can’t be seven yet.” She was arguing with her own hallucination. She felt amazing, her whole body basking in release and then she realized she was laughing. It felt like the first time she’d used her lungs in days, the first time she didn’t have to appropriately organize her mouth.
“Hypothermia, wild animals, and vampires don’t squabble over if it’s seven p.m. or two a.m., Bella!” her Edward snapped. “Do you want to die?”
She stopped laughing. “Yes,” she said softly.
His face appeared above her, beautiful and sad. She felt his cold arms wrap around her through her jeans and he ran through the forest. She pressed her face into his neck against the biting wind. The hallucination even smelled the same. When he laid her down on the soft grass of the meadow, she thought for a moment that this was heaven.
When she realized that this was all real, it took her ten seconds to get mad.
//
Okay! So it gets happy from here. Thank you for making it through all the angst. I have technically written an interlude here, from Carlisle and Esme's first meeting, to contrast with Edward and Bella's relationship, but I can understand if you want to pass over it. I might post it on its own.
Interlude 2: Waking Up
Or! Move on to more real plot:
Chapter 12: The Truth