IF YOU AREN'T REALLY MY FRIEND, DON'T BOTHER EVEN READING THIS:
I now understand the pain and sorrow's of a dating relationship. I don't talk to my boyfriend for... well, okay since about 2... so about 12 hours, but still... I don't think that we talk very much anymore. Not really as much as I'd like, but this relationship isn't just about me... it's about us. And there really doesn't seem to be a lot of "us" going on right now. It kinda seems to be me... and him. Separate like that too. I guess I don't mind that so much, it's just that it confuses me. It really does. And I want to talk to him... about a lot of things. I want to tell him what's going on in my head. But for some reason, I cannot just open my mouth and say "Honey, I want to talk to you." Although I have. I have said that I wanted to talk to him... and have we yet? No. Mainly because he forgets, or doesn't listen when I'm talking, or I don't say anything else about it... I'm not blaming it all on him. Not by any means. I am the one who is mostly at fault here. If I really need to talk to him about something, I need to be the one who keeps it up, and actually initiate the conversation, you know? But I guess it's all in good fun though... right? There's no harm in dating someone who you really don't have a future with... someone who at this moment, doesn't really want the same things you do... or that doesn't seem to care too much if they do or not. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing that we don't really have a future together, and I guess since I made such a big fuss about it when he said it, that I shouldn't say it. But why? What's the harm in saying something... No one know's whether it's the truth or not. I cannot predict my future, and nor can he, so what's wrong in saying that there is none, right? I know, again with the predictions. But right now, this is how I'm feeling. I feel rather alone in my relationship, and that's not right. I am tired of puting my best effort forward, only to have it smacked right back. This is rather pessimistic of me, but it's how I feel. And why should I have to hide my feelings any longer for the sake of others? HUH? No one else seems to give a damn about the way I feel so why should I? I know I know, I never say anything to anyone... or do I? Do I say things to you guys and no one really listens to me. People seem to hear that every thing's fine, or going to be, and leave it at that. No one really ever seems to take it into account how I feel. How is Chrystal doing today? It doesn't really matter. She'll be fine. She's just a hypochondriac, nothing's really wrong with her. And I'm sorry if any of you take offense to this. It's not aimed at anybody really. I guess it's aimed at all of you and none of you at the same time. I'm not picking on one person, or a group of people. This is just my observations of the way people react to me... and my delusional feelings of neglect. I hate feeling alone. I hate that I'm really not important, or at least I hate that I feel that I'm not. I hate being terrified that I don't know what's going to happen. I used to be so sure of everything. Or at least I tried to be sure before I made any movements. I don't like being in the dark, and dammit, that's exactly where I seem to be, and my light bulbs are all burnt out. I'm all burnt out, and there's no one to replace me. I cannot take this pain any more. I cannot take this fear. You guys don't have to worry about me, I'm a big girl, I can fend for myself in the big bad that is the world out there. I'm all alone in it anyway. I think it's time that I just go at things alone. You know.... See how I can manage without people that I know. Be truly alone. Maybe, after Brandon moves back from Phoenix, I should move... That way I don't have any chance of running into people I know. Make a clean start, you know? I don't think many people would really care to much if I just up and left. I'm not that big of a deal anyway, sort of a hastle really. I'm sort of like this infection that just won't go away. And no matter how hard you try to get rid of it, it's still there in the morning. Growing, manifesting, irritating. Don't any of you take this as a "I'm gonna go hurt myself" sort of thing, or even as a "we're through" sort of thing. I just need some major reassurance in my life. And the only one giving that to me right now is my cat. Polly always shows up when I need someone the most. She's always there to give me love. God I love my cat! I just really need some major reassurance....