Such a strange mood.
I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm in one of my weird moods again.
I guess it's because I'm at home for a few days. We got the week off for Thanksgiving and I haven't spent this much time alone in months. I'm used to being around Jonathan or Suzanne. Or anyone else, for that matter. I should really be trying to write my English paper, since I have to write at least four pages for class Monday morning. But I just can't find the motivation.
And I'm so damn tired of being alone. Its getting really old. I put on a brave face to show the world and as far as anyone knows, I'm perfectly content the way things are. And some days, I am. Other days, like today, I just want a guy to look at me like I matter to him and put his arms around me and kiss me. Is that so much to ask? I'm sick of looking at all my friends in relationships and being able to read the happiness in their eyes. Why am I always alone? I've been alone for nearly 20 years and I just...I just don't want to be alone anymore. My spirits lift when I'm talking to Jonathan or with Suzanne. But I think the stress of everything is getting to me.
I'm worrying about school all the time and my family annoys me to no end, and I'm talking in ways they never did before. My friends are driving me crazy about me "dating" Jonathan, even though we're just good friends. No one wants to believe that we're not together. He and I are really good friends. We talk all the time and we hang out a lot, because we're close and we understand each other. But still, almost every day, someone insists that we're dating.
Jonathan reminds me of myself in some ways. I just wish I could help him. Sometimes I think he doesn't want me to help him. He talks to me, but he still stays closed off too much. I'm pretty sure he's still upset about his break-up, even though it was months ago and he usually seems fine. Sometimes I get the feeling that he's not telling me something, and it might help him if he stopped hiding. I just don't know what to do. Not just about Jonathan, but about anything.
Something feels off, but I can't put my finger on what, and if I can't do that, I can't fix whatever it is. Ugh, why am I such a FIXER?!?! I always have to fix something, even if it's better off broken. I just need to stop stressing about everything and let God handle it all. That's what He's here for, it's what I should have done a LONG time ago.
I think this is me giving in. I'm handing the reigns over to the one who should have had them all along. I'm done caring too much and hurting for no reason at all. I'm done taking too much on myself and not giving enough to others. I'm just done. For a while at least.
Bethany <3
I guess it's because I'm at home for a few days. We got the week off for Thanksgiving and I haven't spent this much time alone in months. I'm used to being around Jonathan or Suzanne. Or anyone else, for that matter. I should really be trying to write my English paper, since I have to write at least four pages for class Monday morning. But I just can't find the motivation.
And I'm so damn tired of being alone. Its getting really old. I put on a brave face to show the world and as far as anyone knows, I'm perfectly content the way things are. And some days, I am. Other days, like today, I just want a guy to look at me like I matter to him and put his arms around me and kiss me. Is that so much to ask? I'm sick of looking at all my friends in relationships and being able to read the happiness in their eyes. Why am I always alone? I've been alone for nearly 20 years and I just...I just don't want to be alone anymore. My spirits lift when I'm talking to Jonathan or with Suzanne. But I think the stress of everything is getting to me.
I'm worrying about school all the time and my family annoys me to no end, and I'm talking in ways they never did before. My friends are driving me crazy about me "dating" Jonathan, even though we're just good friends. No one wants to believe that we're not together. He and I are really good friends. We talk all the time and we hang out a lot, because we're close and we understand each other. But still, almost every day, someone insists that we're dating.
Jonathan reminds me of myself in some ways. I just wish I could help him. Sometimes I think he doesn't want me to help him. He talks to me, but he still stays closed off too much. I'm pretty sure he's still upset about his break-up, even though it was months ago and he usually seems fine. Sometimes I get the feeling that he's not telling me something, and it might help him if he stopped hiding. I just don't know what to do. Not just about Jonathan, but about anything.
Something feels off, but I can't put my finger on what, and if I can't do that, I can't fix whatever it is. Ugh, why am I such a FIXER?!?! I always have to fix something, even if it's better off broken. I just need to stop stressing about everything and let God handle it all. That's what He's here for, it's what I should have done a LONG time ago.
I think this is me giving in. I'm handing the reigns over to the one who should have had them all along. I'm done caring too much and hurting for no reason at all. I'm done taking too much on myself and not giving enough to others. I'm just done. For a while at least.
Bethany <3