Today, my heart was broken...again.
Why does this always happen to me? Why do I always fall for the jerk offs and the assholes in disguise? I really thought he was different...
I wanted him to be different. I wanted so bad for him to be the one who would change things for me. I thought he was going to make this college transition easy for me. I thought he cared about me and truly liked me. I thought he was a better guy than this. I thought, and that's where I messed up.
I've never, ever felt like this before. Not once, in my whole life. I've had crushes on so many other guys, I've even thought I was in love a couple times. And none of them ever made me feel the way he does. When he's around, I can't breathe. My hands shake and my stomach does cartwheels. I can't think straight. I can't even articulate sentences, because he makes me that nervous. Whenever I'm around him, the only thing I can do is look at him and smile, because I'm afraid to say something stupid. Or throw up from my nerves. But the smile is etched into my face anyway, because I can't help but smile when I even think about it, let alone around him. No guy has ever made me feel the way he does, and though it scares me half to death to think of what that means, I love the feeling more than anything.
He makes me feel pretty, when no one ever has. He makes me feel wanted. I finally feel good enough for someone, without changing anything. For the first time in my life, I felt like a guy wanted me for me, just the way I am. And I do not want to lose that feeling. I don't want to forget how he makes me feel, nerves and lack of breath and shaking and all.
Today, he dropped a bombshell on me. He's attracted to one of my roommates, who he's only met one time. And she dropped another bombshell. He sent the exact same apology to someone else we know that he sent to me a few weeks ago. She saw the message and it's word for word. Why can guys never say anything to your face? They have to send you an e-mail or a text message. Even a phone call would be better than a written apology or confession. I'm not sure what to think anymore.
For the first time in my life, I compared myself to my roommate. She's been my best friend for nearly six years and not once in all that time have I ever compared myself to her. There are many reasons I would: she's taller, thinner, prettier, more talented, more confident, etc. But I never thought that was necessary. And then today, I suddenly found myself wondering, "What about her is he attracted to that is different about me?" I never thought this day would come and it broke my heart.
I think I was more hurt by the fact that I allowed myself to think that he was different, when he's just like every other guy who's ever toyed with my emotions. All he wanted was to play me. He probably never cared about me at all. How could I be so stupid? How could I be so blind?
I simply don't know anymore. And that terrifies me.
I wanted him to be different. I wanted so bad for him to be the one who would change things for me. I thought he was going to make this college transition easy for me. I thought he cared about me and truly liked me. I thought he was a better guy than this. I thought, and that's where I messed up.
I've never, ever felt like this before. Not once, in my whole life. I've had crushes on so many other guys, I've even thought I was in love a couple times. And none of them ever made me feel the way he does. When he's around, I can't breathe. My hands shake and my stomach does cartwheels. I can't think straight. I can't even articulate sentences, because he makes me that nervous. Whenever I'm around him, the only thing I can do is look at him and smile, because I'm afraid to say something stupid. Or throw up from my nerves. But the smile is etched into my face anyway, because I can't help but smile when I even think about it, let alone around him. No guy has ever made me feel the way he does, and though it scares me half to death to think of what that means, I love the feeling more than anything.
He makes me feel pretty, when no one ever has. He makes me feel wanted. I finally feel good enough for someone, without changing anything. For the first time in my life, I felt like a guy wanted me for me, just the way I am. And I do not want to lose that feeling. I don't want to forget how he makes me feel, nerves and lack of breath and shaking and all.
Today, he dropped a bombshell on me. He's attracted to one of my roommates, who he's only met one time. And she dropped another bombshell. He sent the exact same apology to someone else we know that he sent to me a few weeks ago. She saw the message and it's word for word. Why can guys never say anything to your face? They have to send you an e-mail or a text message. Even a phone call would be better than a written apology or confession. I'm not sure what to think anymore.
For the first time in my life, I compared myself to my roommate. She's been my best friend for nearly six years and not once in all that time have I ever compared myself to her. There are many reasons I would: she's taller, thinner, prettier, more talented, more confident, etc. But I never thought that was necessary. And then today, I suddenly found myself wondering, "What about her is he attracted to that is different about me?" I never thought this day would come and it broke my heart.
I think I was more hurt by the fact that I allowed myself to think that he was different, when he's just like every other guy who's ever toyed with my emotions. All he wanted was to play me. He probably never cared about me at all. How could I be so stupid? How could I be so blind?
I simply don't know anymore. And that terrifies me.