Worried.
I guess today is a day to be worried about everything.
I've always formed friendships in threes, with myself being one point of the triangle. The pattern persists, with Page and Eames being the other two points here at school. My two ex-boyfriends were the points, for a while. But in high school I had two friends, one male, one female, who were (and are!) extraordinarily dear to me.
There was all the requisite "drama" - everyone in the class thought I was in love with the male friend, Liam, when I actually had an enormous crush on the female friend, Tappy (her real name is Emily, but no). I got over it - not because she's straight (she's not - I have an ENORMOUS number of bi friends, I'm realizing) but because she was neurotic and a perfectionist and it really would never have worked. But she's the only girl besides Chiara that I've ever kissed, and we were close - ridiculously so. My very best memories from high school are with her and with Liam. Dancing in the basement of the Art Center we were volunteering in. Working out harmonies against her voice. Making a sweet fucking steampunk mask from copper and gold and the insides of a cuckoo clock. I did my senior project with her - spent hours and hours learning how to steam felt into hat shapes and funnel our artistic vision into representations of Jungian archetypes, making Trickster, Syzygy, Lovers, Cosmic Woman.
She went off to college a year before me. I spent the year working and writing and getting further from Mike and getting closer to Chiara, even four hours away. Liam lived in my house, and will again this summer. We played video games and wrote silly fiction and became Monarchs of Marinades and wrote songs. We shared wine and laughs and ideas.
She spent the year getting drunk, getting high, and getting into a relationship with someone who, when she brought him home to meet us (our approval was more important that her parents', by far) set my teeth immediately on edge and who Liam refused to even be in the same room as, someone who turned out to be a jealous bastard, emotionally abusive, and generally an all-around creep.
They're over, now. But she's home from college, on medical leave. She refuses to live at home with her incredibly strict parents, which is understandable, but prefers instead to live in an apartment with some friends from college who've gotten her into the heavy drugs scene. I saw her over winter break and she confessed to me that she didn't know who she was anymore. Then she went to sleep for twenty hours because she'd been on acid and hadn't slept for two days.
Since then she's been evicted from her apartment, and is living who knows where. She won't return my texts or calls. I know another friend of mine is still in contact with her, and I've asked him for her address - I want to write a letter, at least, something she can't ignore or not see.
Another friend of mine is home from school, too, and is apparently in rehab and basically living with Tappy, and a third friend, too, has dropped out. I just. I'm worried, I'm so fucking worried. How can the beautiful group of people I grew up with, who I spent every day with for twelve fucking years, fall apart so completely? I don't understand. I really, really don't, and I'm so fucking worried.
I've always formed friendships in threes, with myself being one point of the triangle. The pattern persists, with Page and Eames being the other two points here at school. My two ex-boyfriends were the points, for a while. But in high school I had two friends, one male, one female, who were (and are!) extraordinarily dear to me.
There was all the requisite "drama" - everyone in the class thought I was in love with the male friend, Liam, when I actually had an enormous crush on the female friend, Tappy (her real name is Emily, but no). I got over it - not because she's straight (she's not - I have an ENORMOUS number of bi friends, I'm realizing) but because she was neurotic and a perfectionist and it really would never have worked. But she's the only girl besides Chiara that I've ever kissed, and we were close - ridiculously so. My very best memories from high school are with her and with Liam. Dancing in the basement of the Art Center we were volunteering in. Working out harmonies against her voice. Making a sweet fucking steampunk mask from copper and gold and the insides of a cuckoo clock. I did my senior project with her - spent hours and hours learning how to steam felt into hat shapes and funnel our artistic vision into representations of Jungian archetypes, making Trickster, Syzygy, Lovers, Cosmic Woman.
She went off to college a year before me. I spent the year working and writing and getting further from Mike and getting closer to Chiara, even four hours away. Liam lived in my house, and will again this summer. We played video games and wrote silly fiction and became Monarchs of Marinades and wrote songs. We shared wine and laughs and ideas.
She spent the year getting drunk, getting high, and getting into a relationship with someone who, when she brought him home to meet us (our approval was more important that her parents', by far) set my teeth immediately on edge and who Liam refused to even be in the same room as, someone who turned out to be a jealous bastard, emotionally abusive, and generally an all-around creep.
They're over, now. But she's home from college, on medical leave. She refuses to live at home with her incredibly strict parents, which is understandable, but prefers instead to live in an apartment with some friends from college who've gotten her into the heavy drugs scene. I saw her over winter break and she confessed to me that she didn't know who she was anymore. Then she went to sleep for twenty hours because she'd been on acid and hadn't slept for two days.
Since then she's been evicted from her apartment, and is living who knows where. She won't return my texts or calls. I know another friend of mine is still in contact with her, and I've asked him for her address - I want to write a letter, at least, something she can't ignore or not see.
Another friend of mine is home from school, too, and is apparently in rehab and basically living with Tappy, and a third friend, too, has dropped out. I just. I'm worried, I'm so fucking worried. How can the beautiful group of people I grew up with, who I spent every day with for twelve fucking years, fall apart so completely? I don't understand. I really, really don't, and I'm so fucking worried.