(no subject)
Have any of you out there ever have someone that you absolutely loved and cared for without question? that you would do anything for without the slightest thought for yourself. Its been a week since I lost that person for me. No amount of hearing from friends what may have happened even cheers me up. I can put on the facade and the face that I am happy. But im not, im so depressed right now I don't even want to go outside. I got a call from her today about that, and its so hard to not to tell her I love her or act like its ok. It saddens me that whenever I see the pictures she gave me or our 1 year or read the poem, I just sit and stare. I can't even comprehend the fact that shes out of my life. Shes gone. I can understand why, I just don't want to accept that fact. I can read my journal that I kept from the begginning of our relationship. I read all the posts and see how at the same time I felt constrained within the relationship, I never knew how comforting it was to feel that way. Why? thats what I am always asking myself, why?. I hate going through this, and I cn't even cope with it. I want to see her, and even more than that I want to hold her again. But I can't she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. I can't even tell her that I love her anymore, its hurts, and it hurts in ways that I thought I could never feel. Anyone out there know how much that hurts? How much it kills to see someone turn away from you becuase they can't love you anymore like they did? The fire that once burned in them is now out. I just want to be able to tell her that again and hear her say It back. But it will never happen again. I have had my share of relationships, and many people that I have cared about and even loved. But none like her, no one even came close to her or how I felt about her. Shes just something special that you don't find in many people, I have never found it in anyone else that her. I can't even look at other girls, I keep seeing her in other people. I saw one of the multicolored sweaters she wore once in awhile on another girl today. It just brought back a whole flow of memories of her, when she would laugh, and kid, and even cuddle with me. I miss her so much, when I was with her I couldn't even imagine life without her, I couldn't see how things would be without her, I just can't get over it. I just can't get over her, with every other girl it was different, I would get upset for a week or so, drop it then come back to earth. But I can't with her, I just can't, I can't just watch her walk away, I just don't want to, I told her that I woud ride the relationship out no matter how bad it got or whatever she had to put me through, I would go through it for her. I would have done anything for her and woud still. She was just that special to me, and I loved her just that much. Its hard to say that about anyone, but I would have aid it all down just for her. I never thought I would say that, about anyone but that was the extnt of how much I loved her. I woudn't say I was wrapped around her finger but I was in love, and I fell hard for her. Harder than I have ever fallen for anyone else. I just coulden't get her out of my mind or out of my train of thought. All I want is to have her back, I am miserable without her, but I know that its not possible to have her back. She can't love me in that way she says anymore, so I answer with one of the few things I can channel my feelings with, Anger. Anger over what happened, how it ended and how I felt. I can't put my feelings out there any other way, I can't even talk to her becuase I feel so restained to protect her wishes of staying away from me and being unable to be with me, all I feel is anger, hate, and resentment. I can't eat or sleep much and I have to force myself to do so. I don't even want to wake up in the morning anymore becuase I know she will not be there at all. I can't even talk to her, and its killing me in the worse way. I walked into my room today and drew one of my knives out, and just stared at it for a minute. Everything just flew by with what I just wrote, so I asked myself if it was really worth it, to end it all here? It wasn't though. Because I still hold hope for me and her. As much as I am probably going to get hurt with that trying to talk to her about it so be it. Anything is better than living here in hell, becuase nothing hurts as much as waking up in the morning and not having her there to talk to. Im still a hopeless romantic at heart, but I still have the will to live as well, shes not the sole reason, but shes is one. I just can't see the world without her and although I sound like a broken record, I can't say it enough. I got very attached to her and still am, But I can't deal with this break up. I always do things on my own and for myself, I never try to ask for help, But then again never have I had something so binding to me before that I couldn't get away from it. I just sit here and cry because theres nothing more I can do when I think about it, I can wait to see if she comes back, but I doubt that will happen if I just sit around and twiddle my thumbs and wait for the end. Or as kindly as my friends put it, "tell her to fuck off, leave it at that and walk away". I can't do that either, that is equivalent to telling my own mother to fuck off. That I can do neither. So here I sit out of options and in reality out of time as well. So I guess I need to talk to her, healin isn't the issue anymore, I gave up trying to heal, I can't take that sort of pain anymore. I can't have it drag on, Its only been a week, but since she broke up with me, I would have rather taken that last month in stride rather than be sitting here right now. I love her that much, as I love her still. Its hard for people to comprehend that, how someone will go through this sort of pain for someone, but I would take it willingly if only there was hope. I never ask for help from anyone, I try do everything myself always. Im just asking all of my friends now to help me do this and help me through this, I am at the end of my emotional and psychological rope. Im not going to lie, im in a spot that I have never been in before, and I am in deep. I just ask everyone to help me try to talk to her, and If that doesn't work then try to help me. Talk to me anything, I jsut can't deal with this anymore, I just want to curl up, I just can't stand it anymore.........
Dan
Dan