the struggle of september
last night was seriously like the best sex ever... seriously like i think its topping the charts ha ha... but that could be cause i wanted it so bad. we went for hours. mmm so hot just thinkin about it. and then this mornin i felt her touching me when i was sleeping.... i love that. omggg its one of my biggest turn ons. morning
sex is my favorite. theres something like super sexy about sleeping and waking up to someones finger or tongue preferably in my kiki... makes me wet just thinking about it. ive been so fuckin horny lately idk why. its been fuckin nuts. like i have been wanting it like non stop. i dont know what the deal is. usually i can controll myself a lil more. but its like all out lately ha ha... wierd. i havent been that way since... u know who... hmm makes me think. she was definantly on point last night, hitting all the right spots and shittttt..... ok i really cant talk about it anymore. to be continued.... so i think im missing something. we are tryen to work on things and yet the phone situation is still being hidden and shit. i dont get it. if there are things to hide from me. why be with me. im really getting sick of it.dont really know what im going to do if random girls keep sending her pictures of themselves. and as i found out yesterday it really isnt the girls faults it keishas. she asking for the pictures. exactly what hurts me is what she does. she doesnt care. i dont know how much longer i can feel like this. with things hidden from me. talked to her... more like got in a fight about the phone thing. she got defensive and said i was a liar and shit like usual. i took a walk and like magic when i got back she wasnt mad anymore... lol which was awesome! i was still a little pissed but she always knows how to make me feel better. i was going to watch the vma's but i didnt lol. so that lame but im glad i get to spend time with her. im leavin tomaro and spending the day with my sister and gage. im excited. lol i really missed the internet when i dont have it... i havent not had it in like years and years. actually never come to think of it. so its wierd. cause when i didnt have it at beths we had our phones. i miss that fuckin PHONE omggg it was the best. i want a phone just like it. i hope i get a phone soonn. i wana bling that shit out. i want another touch phone. it was like my life... i shouldnt have sent it back to her. god that was soooo dumb... she just gave it to some dumb bitch anyways. IM EXCITED TO HAVE THE INTERNET TOMARO ha haaaa!! not excited not to be with k.... on a side note about her. i loveeeeeeeeeeeee when stix and melissa call her kee.... hmm thinkin about calln her that. ha ha but i dont think she likes it... another side note... what is with faith. i dont like that. she does not look like a faith. the only faiths i know where ho's. so thats the end case in that. but i love her. im glad things are changing. YAYAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
new day new stresses. im with my sister. kee is drinkin tonight. im worried. she is really stupid when she drinks. im tryen to get my mind off of it. but i have a bad feelln in my tummy. ughhhhhhhhhhh oh well she is a big girl
life is wierd... wierd dreams. wierd life... idk what else to say... im in a wierd mood. kinda blue. dont know why. feel emotional. like crying... alone... my period is the culprate i think. damn period. damn mother nature. leave me alone... go shoot yourself
woke up early... was blamed for keeping her up. kinda sucky. waited for her all day. she came home didnt want to spend time with me. left to go drink... came back and was a bitch and left again... started to be nice to me once she saw i was leavin her ass. shit i dont need this. im over it. i deserve someone who will want to be around me no matter what we are doing. who will show me they love me from the minute i wake up till i go to bed. who wont get mad at me for the smallest shit. someone who will want to go places with me and if i dont want to go they wont go. who wont stay out till all hours of the night and have me waiting up for there ass. someone who will appreciate me and love me without wanting to change me. maybe i should go back home. obviously i wont be missed.... when she dont even want to spend time with me. all she wants to do is drink and get high and i am not about that. i quit that shit in high school. i think its stupid and immature. we are going down a bad road again i feel it. she left again.... i dont want to care anymore... im sick of being lonely...
another start to a bad day, what a suprise. the first thing she did when she got up was leave... and her exuse was she had to get "something" at work... when i asked what it was she didnt tell me... hmm now whats really going on?? im really starting to think that i should just go home. i would need to go b4 i got a job and b4 the rent is due. idk how im suppose to figure out how to let her get me off the lease. i dont have a phone to call my sister... im trapt. im soooo unhappy, i really dont think ive been this unhappy my whole life. i just need to figure out how to get her to sign me off the lease. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate her. hate hate hate. .she told me yesterday pretty much that she doesnt like to spend time with me, and we do nothing. OK well then let me leave bitch... like really i dont see why we are together ha ha she hates everything about me. and i really dont like her... i am so much better than partying all the time and smokin weed. i just feel if i go home i will never hear the end of it. and i am sick of people holding shit over my head. i need to get out of here. bringing me down. depression. lonliness. i should have never came here... omgggg what the fuck was i thinking....................................................................... wtf. i knew i shouldnt have i knew it. i fuckin knew it. she is so evil she wanted me to be trapt here while she went out and partied... she wanted me to feel like shit because thats how she is... i hate this awful cringing in my stomach that i feel constantly. i hate feeling uncared for... i cant live like this anymore. cant. i need a phone... we will prolly be evicted anyways. so i wil be free then. so be prepared. its like im a zombie... i have nothing, im just walking around aimlessly. what am i living for? if i dont leave i will definantly need to sleep in a different room. i can just put a blanket down... i dont want to see her face. i hate her!!!!!!!!!!! hate.... .once i leave here... she will be erased... i will never think of this shit again. her name will never be spoken. ew. i hate her. she is nothing... she will disapear from my thoughts... and it will be easy. delete her. and i wont miss the sex that i fake. she needs to take some lessons. and find the clit. damn i miss beth... she really knew how to take care of me and be a real grown up. i shouldnt have left her. she was so good to me. this shit is nothing compared to the life i had with her. nothing. no comparison at all. thinking of ways i could leave. but shit!!!!! id still be on the lease. i just fucking want out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want out bitch!!!!!! i dont love you or want u..... i hate you.
stayed a couple days with my sister. had lots of fun! talked to my parents alot. saw my doggie on skype. i miss him soooooooooooo much. i came home cause i thought things would be different if i left for a couple of days. but i actually think maybe they got worse. which is wierd because robin told me that keisha told philip that she missed me and shit. and she told me she missed me too!! i just dont get it. why did i even come back?
i wanted to know ya i wanted to see you. you dont know me dont ignore me you dont want me there you just shut me out. if you had your way youd just shut me up. make me go away. i just dont understand why you wont talk to me it hurts. dont talk words against me. i wanted to know ya i wanted to see you. you dont know me dont ignore me you dont want me there you just shut me out. if you had ur way youd just shut me up. make me go away. away. my head aches.
woke up today. not sure how i feel. im kind of in the middle not sure what to think. if shit dont change... by monday im getting my name off the lease. and im out. ima leave this stupid fuckin state and go home. i dont want to have any memories of this stupid apartment, this stupid girl, or anything thats happened in the last few months. nothing... its guna be gone. lyrics:
new day, but it feels the same. the last month was seriously a blurr. i dont remember alot of it. other than fighting. im really thinkin i want to go home. im not happy here. i dont like being alone. or left alone. but being with someone that makes you feel alone is worse than actually being alone. because atleast when your alone you can find someone that wants you and cares for you. i just want to feel appreciated and loved. i really noticed how we were when sara and ebonie came over. they were all lovey dovey and thats how i am. but its so akward to be that way with k. well i guess its not that its akward its that she doesnt want to be that way with me. which i really dont understand cause i know she wasnt that way with her ex. so much to think about. i dont want to go on that stupid bus ride alone... ick. make sure i dont go on a weekend. i need internet access so i can see how long the bus rides would be. i need to get out of the lease.
this morning im feeln ok. my tummy hurts a lil. i think im prolly just dehydrated maybe. dont want to think about yesterday. makes me wana puke. guys all over me and k not doing anything. actually telln me its my fault. WOW that sounded like when i told my sister that i got raped... and she said i shouldnt have been there and shouldnt have teased him... so it was my fault. whats sad about that is shes been raped b4. i cant believe it. its really kind of fucked up. she is to much of a fuckn pussy to stand up for me. never had a gf like that b4. it sucks.
woke up today. the day is going pretty good. i found a porn in the dvd player in our room. that really threw me off. mostly becauses i always want to fuck... lame. i must not satisfy her...
life sucks.... cried for 2 hrs non stop. she didnt even care! actually she got up and left me.... shows how much she cares huh.. ssad.... my life... maybe ill kill myself and make everyone feel better...i dont think she would even blink twice if i died... she has no emotion.... always putting me down calling me names... must make her feel better to make me cry. tears mean nothin but weakness to her. how annoying she came home at 5 in the mornin this mornin. hmm curious isnt it.
AMazing day. end of it sucked
good day. she was so sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love herrrrr
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaa what a bitch.
lifeless. choked of life. no emotion. how does the one i love the most hurt me the most? she does so much for me. i realize, i realized. i ask to much from her. i wanted forever. i love her so much. all i want is peace between us.
wow she hit me... choked me .....never thought she would do that. never thought i would be that girl.
perfect day yesterday. i could feel her love... kisses.... snuggles... i hope she sees we are improving.... i love her sooo much