John Cleese Write the US Gov't
John Cleese's Letter to the US
> >
> > To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
> > failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
> > yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
> > effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
> > monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
> > Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
> >
> > Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
> > 97.85%
> > of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
> > borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
> > elections.
> >
> > Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
> > circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in
> > the
> > transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
> > introduced
> > with immediate effect:
> >
> > 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
> > look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
> > at
> > just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
> >
> > The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
> > 'neighbour',
> > skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
> > Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
> > letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
> > 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
> > "ise".
> > You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
> > Edinburgh.
> > You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope
> > with
> > correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
> > acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
> > words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
> > unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
> > "interspersed".
> >
> > There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not
> > old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
> > When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad
> > language as often.
> >
> > 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
> > your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
> > of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
> >
> > 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
> > really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
> > upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
> > learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
> > "Taggart"
> > will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
> > regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
> > England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
> > Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
> > Floridashire, Louisianashire.
> >
> > 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
> > good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
> > English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red
> > Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
> > audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
> > incorrectness.
> >
> > 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> > but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
> > confused and give up half way through.
> >
> > 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
> > football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
> > game.
> > The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
> > may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
> > longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
> > Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
> > difficult
> > game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
> > (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
> > for
> > a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
> > nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side
> > by
> > 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
> > event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
> > America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
> > your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
> > be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
> > without
> > fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
> >
> > 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer
> > be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
> > vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
> > handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
> > to
> > carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> >
> > 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
> > national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
> > Day".
> >
> > 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
> > own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
> > All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
> > driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
> > metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
> > Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
> > humour.
> >
> > 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
> > are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
> > 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
> > not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
> > potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
> > fried in
> > animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should
> > be
> > served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
> > with
> > customers.
> >
> > 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
> > tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
> > doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
> >
> > 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> > beer
> > at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
> > referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
> > will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as
> > "American
> > Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with
> > the
> > exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
> > will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow
> > true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
> > Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
> >
> > 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
> > will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
> > the
> > former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
> > and
> > the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices(roughly $6/US
> > gallon - get used to it).
> >
> > 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
> > or
> > therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
> > that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
> > handled
> > by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
> > someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
> > handle
> > a gun.
> >
> > 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
> > Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
> > ensure the acquisition of all revenues due backdated to 1776).
> >
> > 16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in
> > "clear" NOT Nucular.
> >
> > Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day
> > John Cleese
> >
> > To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
> > failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
> > yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
> > effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
> > monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
> > Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
> >
> > Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
> > 97.85%
> > of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
> > borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
> > elections.
> >
> > Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
> > circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in
> > the
> > transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
> > introduced
> > with immediate effect:
> >
> > 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
> > look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
> > at
> > just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
> >
> > The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
> > 'neighbour',
> > skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
> > Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
> > letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
> > 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
> > "ise".
> > You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g.
> > Edinburgh.
> > You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope
> > with
> > correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
> > acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven
> > words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
> > unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up
> > "interspersed".
> >
> > There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not
> > old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows.
> > When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad
> > language as often.
> >
> > 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
> > your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
> > of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
> >
> > 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
> > really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,
> > upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
> > learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
> > "Taggart"
> > will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about
> > regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
> > England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
> > Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
> > Floridashire, Louisianashire.
> >
> > 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
> > good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
> > English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red
> > Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American
> > audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
> > incorrectness.
> >
> > 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> > but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
> > confused and give up half way through.
> >
> > 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
> > football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
> > game.
> > The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
> > may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
> > longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
> > Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
> > difficult
> > game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
> > (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
> > for
> > a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
> > nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side
> > by
> > 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
> > event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
> > America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
> > your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will
> > be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball
> > without
> > fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
> >
> > 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer
> > be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
> > vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to
> > handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish
> > to
> > carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> >
> > 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
> > national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
> > Day".
> >
> > 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
> > own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
> > All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
> > driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
> > metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
> > Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
> > humour.
> >
> > 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
> > are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
> > 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
> > not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling
> > potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and
> > fried in
> > animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should
> > be
> > served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
> > with
> > customers.
> >
> > 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
> > tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
> > doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
> >
> > 12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
> > beer
> > at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
> > referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
> > will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as
> > "American
> > Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with
> > the
> > exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
> > will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow
> > true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
> > Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
> >
> > 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
> > will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
> > the
> > former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
> > and
> > the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices(roughly $6/US
> > gallon - get used to it).
> >
> > 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
> > or
> > therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
> > that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
> > handled
> > by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
> > someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
> > handle
> > a gun.
> >
> > 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
> > Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
> > ensure the acquisition of all revenues due backdated to 1776).
> >
> > 16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in
> > "clear" NOT Nucular.
> >
> > Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day
> > John Cleese