What I'm sure is going to come across as a mean, insensitive post
A (fake, unsent) letter to Jamie:
Jamie,
I don't know what the hell you want from me at this point. If you aren't willing to help yourself, I certainly can't help you. I didn't break up with you so I could continue to have the exact same relationship with you minus the sex. I broke up with you because I wanted my life to change. So when I have to call you any time I make plans with any of my friends, when I feel guilty about my sexual orientation, when I feel guilty about kissing someone else, I feel like we never even broke up! I want us to sustain a lasting friendship, but this isn't a friendship. This is two people who are practically still dating!
Is this hard for you? Of course it is. Break-ups generally are. And I'm not saying it shouldn't be hard or that you shouldn't have a hard time with it. But I'M THE PROBLEM. How much do you think you can tell the problem how much of a problem she is? I hate to tell you, but that stuff takes a toll. A drink-so-much-I-land-in-the-ER kind of toll. Or I get pissy and snippy with you, which isn't the answer, I know, but I get really frustrated and hurt by hearing how much pain, heartache, and general wretchedness I put you through on a daily basis. It's too hard for me, I'm sorry.
You need someone who can be objective, who can sit there with you and agree that I'm a piece of shit. That's what people do after they're dumped. They rant on their ex with people who can be fully supportive. But you know what? I can't be that, I can't rant on myself with you. And I realize that we had an incredibly insular relationship, and that you didn't have to have friends while we were together. But now you absolutely do. You have to put yourself out there and make some bloody friends or we're BOTH going to crazy. Because self-destructive stuff isn't going to solve this problem. Cutting your arm and drinking alone night after night are not the solutions to this in the least. And if you think that hurting yourself is going to bring us closer together again, I have to tell you it will probably do the opposite, because I can't handle the guilt of knowing I'm what's pushing you to this behavior. It makes feel like a fucking worm that I'm causing you this kind of pain. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT. So please stop. Please
And make the effort to take care of yourself. This is sooooo reminiscent of our relationship. I've taken care of you for a long time now. I didn't realize at the time what a disservice I was doing both of us at the time. But now we have to take of ourselves. Admittedly, I am lucky. I have forged some friendships in the last few years that are solid enough that those friends have been willing to help me take care of myself when I needed them to. But they didn't magically emerge from thin air. I had to actively make connections with people, and that's what you need to do now. If nothing else, make an appointment with your bloody therapist again! I'm not trying to blame the victim here, because this did blindside you, and I can't deny that. But if you want to feel better and start moving on, and you have this therapist downtown who you like and has helped you through some shit before, why not go back and see her? I don't get that AT ALL, and it frustrates me to no end.
Also, yes, Barry and I fooled around. Yes, it was pretty quickly after we broke up. And that would be weird for you in a major way. I get that. I really, really do. But bringing it up passive aggressively and using it to imply that I am some sort of whore who doesn't sleep in her own bed anymore is ridiculously immature. NEWSFLASH: I have not had sex with a man. Ever. And being attracted to men again does not make me a bad person or a traitor to women everywhere. It does not negate my attraction to women. It just is how I feel at this point in my life, and it makes me fucking FURIOUS that you would use that to belittle me. I will not apologize for my fucking sexual orientation, whether it's my homosexual part of me with my parents or my hetero part of me with you. That's so fucking unfair and hurtful.
I'm trying not to hurt you, Jamie. I'm working really hard at making sure you're ok. But you have to meet me halfway here. Fake it til you feel it, because moping, drinking, and soaking in your own misery aren't going to make life any easier for you. The cycle doesn't end all by itself. You have to break it. And I don't know how to help you do that anymore. I want us to be able to be in the same room and not have an interaction that will drive one or both of us to tears. I want us to enjoy each other again. Let's work on that, ok?
Jamie,
I don't know what the hell you want from me at this point. If you aren't willing to help yourself, I certainly can't help you. I didn't break up with you so I could continue to have the exact same relationship with you minus the sex. I broke up with you because I wanted my life to change. So when I have to call you any time I make plans with any of my friends, when I feel guilty about my sexual orientation, when I feel guilty about kissing someone else, I feel like we never even broke up! I want us to sustain a lasting friendship, but this isn't a friendship. This is two people who are practically still dating!
Is this hard for you? Of course it is. Break-ups generally are. And I'm not saying it shouldn't be hard or that you shouldn't have a hard time with it. But I'M THE PROBLEM. How much do you think you can tell the problem how much of a problem she is? I hate to tell you, but that stuff takes a toll. A drink-so-much-I-land-in-the-ER kind of toll. Or I get pissy and snippy with you, which isn't the answer, I know, but I get really frustrated and hurt by hearing how much pain, heartache, and general wretchedness I put you through on a daily basis. It's too hard for me, I'm sorry.
You need someone who can be objective, who can sit there with you and agree that I'm a piece of shit. That's what people do after they're dumped. They rant on their ex with people who can be fully supportive. But you know what? I can't be that, I can't rant on myself with you. And I realize that we had an incredibly insular relationship, and that you didn't have to have friends while we were together. But now you absolutely do. You have to put yourself out there and make some bloody friends or we're BOTH going to crazy. Because self-destructive stuff isn't going to solve this problem. Cutting your arm and drinking alone night after night are not the solutions to this in the least. And if you think that hurting yourself is going to bring us closer together again, I have to tell you it will probably do the opposite, because I can't handle the guilt of knowing I'm what's pushing you to this behavior. It makes feel like a fucking worm that I'm causing you this kind of pain. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT. So please stop. Please
And make the effort to take care of yourself. This is sooooo reminiscent of our relationship. I've taken care of you for a long time now. I didn't realize at the time what a disservice I was doing both of us at the time. But now we have to take of ourselves. Admittedly, I am lucky. I have forged some friendships in the last few years that are solid enough that those friends have been willing to help me take care of myself when I needed them to. But they didn't magically emerge from thin air. I had to actively make connections with people, and that's what you need to do now. If nothing else, make an appointment with your bloody therapist again! I'm not trying to blame the victim here, because this did blindside you, and I can't deny that. But if you want to feel better and start moving on, and you have this therapist downtown who you like and has helped you through some shit before, why not go back and see her? I don't get that AT ALL, and it frustrates me to no end.
Also, yes, Barry and I fooled around. Yes, it was pretty quickly after we broke up. And that would be weird for you in a major way. I get that. I really, really do. But bringing it up passive aggressively and using it to imply that I am some sort of whore who doesn't sleep in her own bed anymore is ridiculously immature. NEWSFLASH: I have not had sex with a man. Ever. And being attracted to men again does not make me a bad person or a traitor to women everywhere. It does not negate my attraction to women. It just is how I feel at this point in my life, and it makes me fucking FURIOUS that you would use that to belittle me. I will not apologize for my fucking sexual orientation, whether it's my homosexual part of me with my parents or my hetero part of me with you. That's so fucking unfair and hurtful.
I'm trying not to hurt you, Jamie. I'm working really hard at making sure you're ok. But you have to meet me halfway here. Fake it til you feel it, because moping, drinking, and soaking in your own misery aren't going to make life any easier for you. The cycle doesn't end all by itself. You have to break it. And I don't know how to help you do that anymore. I want us to be able to be in the same room and not have an interaction that will drive one or both of us to tears. I want us to enjoy each other again. Let's work on that, ok?