St. Louis and a list
I went back to St. Louis with my mom and grandmother on Thursday to move out of the apartment. Lots of emotion, both good and bad, and I'm really proud of myself for getting through it. I had the most wonderful evening with Casey and Amy, just chilling out, eating at Applebee's, and feeling normal and at home with them. I'm so glad Casey and I cleared the air, because I was really worried about how distant things were feeling. I think we just needed to say and ask a few things face to face instead of through a constant mediator (aka my mother) in order to really move on with things. And our relationship is going to change, but being able to relax back into the usual stuff of our friendship Thursday night makes me much less scared of those changes. And then, of course, there's Amy, who is wonderful beyond belief. I don't know how she seems to always know the right things to say and do in every situation, and yet she never fails to do so. I have so much respect and love for that girl. There were a million things I wanted to say to both of them before I left about how much success I wish for both of them, how important they've been to me and always will be, and how grateful I am to have them both, and I think they know those things even if my brain and mouth couldn't meet to to actually say them that night. I will miss them both terribly. I can't wait to come down and see Casey rock out in Twelfth Night and have another wonderful St. Louis visit. I'll miss the city, too, and that homey, adult apartment we created together. I know we were only all there together for about four months, but it feels like we've lived there for years because it was just so much of a home. I so wish there were a way to make this work in such a way that I could stay there and still do all the work I need to do to make myself better. But I need to be back with my folks for now, leaving the real world behind for a while to do just focus on getting well, and I know that that's not possible in St. Louis. I can't think of anything that's been harder for me than leaving 6M. I will miss that place and those people in a very big way.
But enough of me whining. Time for the list of good things from today:
1) Clear weather for driving the U-Haul back to Indiana.
2) Waking up and remembering what good friends I have.
3) Not crying today. It may not sound like much of an accomplishment, but it really was. I was really proud of myself for keeping it together.