A happy facebook message in response to a crappy day
Arielle wrote this on my wall this morning. I needed it desperately. The first part is in response to my current status about ripping my thumb open at rehearsal last night. The website in question is for City Museum, which looks like the perfect place to take her for a day of fun.
"oh no!
was it all bloody and stuff?
i cannot....cannot wait to seeeeee yooooouuuuu!
i looked at that website that you sent me...that looks amazing!
i cannot...cannot wait to seeeeee yoooouuuuu!"
Oh man, did I need that. I've been so worried about her not being as excited as I am that she's coming down in two days (eek!), but I got a little reminder at just the right time. Thank you, Arielle.
I spent yesterday feeling like complete and utter shite. Which I am having a hard time figuring out, because everything is going so well. Rehearsal is great and makes me feel like a real artist. Work is good, home is good, family is good, Arielle will be here in no time, I have another job interview on Wednesday, Casey and Amy are both doing great, so what's missing? Casey keeps reminding me that it's not always logical, which I know is true but I still want to figure out what the trigger is. Because I can't spend my days like I spent yesterday. That was miserable, and I was so mad at myself for it. I HATE DEPRESSION. It makes me feel so powerless.
Anyway, enough of that. I'm trying to spin this attitude around and get myself together. I may be having dinner with Kassi tonight, which would help, I think. And Lord knows I have enough to do, between learning the songs for this show, those two online classes, work projects, that Shakespeare audition at the end of the month, cleaning before Arielle gets here, yoga, and maybe even some painting if I just want to do something for the enjoyment of it alone. That's plenty, right? I don't need to be laying on the floor doing nothing, I need to be busy. I do best when I'm busy. I just have to learn not to take it out on myself when my brain opts for me to be unhappy. I liked Casey's pillar metaphor. It goes like this:
You're on a tall pillar between two other pillars. The one you're on is giving way beneath you and you have to jump to another one or you'll fall. One pillar looks nice enough, but you don't trust its stability at all. So you opt for the rocky, jagged pillar that is stabel but will hurt like hell to stand on. Right now, my failing pillar is my doubt that all this Arielle stuff will work out, or that I'll be able to get another job and stay financially stable, or that I'll be able to keep being in shows. The nice looking pillar is that all those things will work out, but my brain can't believe that something won't go wrong, so it opts for being miserable because it can rely on that. It was a really good metaphor. Well done, Mr. Boland. I am really, really, really lucky to have him and to have Amy. I'd be in serious trouble without them, and they have been so wonderful to me. I bet I'm good training for the moody teenagers they will someday have to parent. I am so grateful to be here with them.
"oh no!
was it all bloody and stuff?
i cannot....cannot wait to seeeeee yooooouuuuu!
i looked at that website that you sent me...that looks amazing!
i cannot...cannot wait to seeeeee yoooouuuuu!"
Oh man, did I need that. I've been so worried about her not being as excited as I am that she's coming down in two days (eek!), but I got a little reminder at just the right time. Thank you, Arielle.
I spent yesterday feeling like complete and utter shite. Which I am having a hard time figuring out, because everything is going so well. Rehearsal is great and makes me feel like a real artist. Work is good, home is good, family is good, Arielle will be here in no time, I have another job interview on Wednesday, Casey and Amy are both doing great, so what's missing? Casey keeps reminding me that it's not always logical, which I know is true but I still want to figure out what the trigger is. Because I can't spend my days like I spent yesterday. That was miserable, and I was so mad at myself for it. I HATE DEPRESSION. It makes me feel so powerless.
Anyway, enough of that. I'm trying to spin this attitude around and get myself together. I may be having dinner with Kassi tonight, which would help, I think. And Lord knows I have enough to do, between learning the songs for this show, those two online classes, work projects, that Shakespeare audition at the end of the month, cleaning before Arielle gets here, yoga, and maybe even some painting if I just want to do something for the enjoyment of it alone. That's plenty, right? I don't need to be laying on the floor doing nothing, I need to be busy. I do best when I'm busy. I just have to learn not to take it out on myself when my brain opts for me to be unhappy. I liked Casey's pillar metaphor. It goes like this:
You're on a tall pillar between two other pillars. The one you're on is giving way beneath you and you have to jump to another one or you'll fall. One pillar looks nice enough, but you don't trust its stability at all. So you opt for the rocky, jagged pillar that is stabel but will hurt like hell to stand on. Right now, my failing pillar is my doubt that all this Arielle stuff will work out, or that I'll be able to get another job and stay financially stable, or that I'll be able to keep being in shows. The nice looking pillar is that all those things will work out, but my brain can't believe that something won't go wrong, so it opts for being miserable because it can rely on that. It was a really good metaphor. Well done, Mr. Boland. I am really, really, really lucky to have him and to have Amy. I'd be in serious trouble without them, and they have been so wonderful to me. I bet I'm good training for the moody teenagers they will someday have to parent. I am so grateful to be here with them.