(no subject)
and before that even was the nightmare that tricked me into dreaming it.
the part that still makes me feel sick in my chest. there was a broken
down house and a regular house, not nice, but lived-in. i was gathered
with...people. other people. i wanna say my mom was there but...i dunno.
anyway, they were telling me about this witch-demon that lived in the
broken house, that someone was saying was like, the embodiment of
all evil. or something, and the podgy old crone is there, sort of milling
about. it was, naturally, very surreal. the two houses sort of close to
each other, and no real sense of urgency or panic about the witch,
but maybe just a feeling that hinted at the doom she would cause.
anyway they tell me about this witch and then we're all grabbing these
long heavy silver swords. only the one i grab turns out to be a hammer
instead. sword shaped, but with a hammer head on the end. and now
i'm sort of...fighting this witch, and slashing at her. then i go luke skywalker
on her and bash her face in with the hammer head, and that pretty much
concludes that. she's only defeated though, not dead or even dying
really. just wanders away in pain and sadness, back to her busted
down place.
none of that is the nightmare though. no. if anything i got to feel like a
hero saving people from a monster. i can remember one glimpse of
inside their house, and there were a bunch of shoes lined up on a
low wall-divider railing. so they had a bunch of shoes.
the nightmare was in a later phase, when i'm kind of sneaking around
the broken down house, eavesdropping? there's no actual conversation,
it was...like i was...spying on her soul, or her thoughts. absorbing the
witch's emotions, and that's when i find out she's not evil at all. not in
the slightest. she's ugly, and misunderstood, and lonely and very
different and strange and displaced and lonely and I'M THE GUY THAT
BASHED HER FUCKING HEAD IN EARLIER WITH A HAMMER. and
THAT...is the nightmare. that monumentally condensed state of great
and terrible M.I.S.T.A.K.E. made and the worst regret. i remember feeling
terrible, of course, and quite ashamed that i had been so convinced i was
doing the "right" thing earlier.
it's cliche and spoon-fed, but upon waking i started looking at the whole
dynamic of the situation. how a group of people were wrong. so wrong,
and had me convinced that they were right and that i was acting virtuously.
that i let them convince me of imaginary fears and non-existent evils. at the
great expense of another and what should have been my soul. do you get
it yet? can i spell it out even more?
it was a nightmare about religion. and how crappy i let myself feel sometimes
that i was ever a part of it. that it took me sixteen years of being alive before
i noticed the feeling that had been lowering it's roots deeper and further into
my brain. that this religion wasn't right, and i wasn't being valiant at all.
so you owe me now, dreams. where's my dream about the flip side? the dream
where i i get that realization, instinctually. the dream where i make friends with
the witch right away and introduce her to the people. the dream about me
noticing something is NOT right, and instead of pandering, instead of thinking
oh i just lack faith, i need to surrender more and meditate on these thought
patterns that a larger group of people subscribe to....instead of that, igniting
the courage within me to defy even god, that personal god, even if it comes
down to it, a possibly real god that has enslaved and deceived the spirit of
humanity.
who will stand beside me against god, should he ever appear? who will take up
arms with me against this deity? if i could march against some heaven i would,
just to watch it burning for the hell that it's created. this is my revolution.
i will go to war for nothing else.
the part that still makes me feel sick in my chest. there was a broken
down house and a regular house, not nice, but lived-in. i was gathered
with...people. other people. i wanna say my mom was there but...i dunno.
anyway, they were telling me about this witch-demon that lived in the
broken house, that someone was saying was like, the embodiment of
all evil. or something, and the podgy old crone is there, sort of milling
about. it was, naturally, very surreal. the two houses sort of close to
each other, and no real sense of urgency or panic about the witch,
but maybe just a feeling that hinted at the doom she would cause.
anyway they tell me about this witch and then we're all grabbing these
long heavy silver swords. only the one i grab turns out to be a hammer
instead. sword shaped, but with a hammer head on the end. and now
i'm sort of...fighting this witch, and slashing at her. then i go luke skywalker
on her and bash her face in with the hammer head, and that pretty much
concludes that. she's only defeated though, not dead or even dying
really. just wanders away in pain and sadness, back to her busted
down place.
none of that is the nightmare though. no. if anything i got to feel like a
hero saving people from a monster. i can remember one glimpse of
inside their house, and there were a bunch of shoes lined up on a
low wall-divider railing. so they had a bunch of shoes.
the nightmare was in a later phase, when i'm kind of sneaking around
the broken down house, eavesdropping? there's no actual conversation,
it was...like i was...spying on her soul, or her thoughts. absorbing the
witch's emotions, and that's when i find out she's not evil at all. not in
the slightest. she's ugly, and misunderstood, and lonely and very
different and strange and displaced and lonely and I'M THE GUY THAT
BASHED HER FUCKING HEAD IN EARLIER WITH A HAMMER. and
THAT...is the nightmare. that monumentally condensed state of great
and terrible M.I.S.T.A.K.E. made and the worst regret. i remember feeling
terrible, of course, and quite ashamed that i had been so convinced i was
doing the "right" thing earlier.
it's cliche and spoon-fed, but upon waking i started looking at the whole
dynamic of the situation. how a group of people were wrong. so wrong,
and had me convinced that they were right and that i was acting virtuously.
that i let them convince me of imaginary fears and non-existent evils. at the
great expense of another and what should have been my soul. do you get
it yet? can i spell it out even more?
it was a nightmare about religion. and how crappy i let myself feel sometimes
that i was ever a part of it. that it took me sixteen years of being alive before
i noticed the feeling that had been lowering it's roots deeper and further into
my brain. that this religion wasn't right, and i wasn't being valiant at all.
so you owe me now, dreams. where's my dream about the flip side? the dream
where i i get that realization, instinctually. the dream where i make friends with
the witch right away and introduce her to the people. the dream about me
noticing something is NOT right, and instead of pandering, instead of thinking
oh i just lack faith, i need to surrender more and meditate on these thought
patterns that a larger group of people subscribe to....instead of that, igniting
the courage within me to defy even god, that personal god, even if it comes
down to it, a possibly real god that has enslaved and deceived the spirit of
humanity.
who will stand beside me against god, should he ever appear? who will take up
arms with me against this deity? if i could march against some heaven i would,
just to watch it burning for the hell that it's created. this is my revolution.
i will go to war for nothing else.