Day 18 ~ The person that you wish you could be
The person I wish I could be? Well, I admit that alot of these are superficial so please forgive me.
Really, in a nutshell, I wish I could be white. Or at least lighter in complection. Among other things this past AUSA made me realize, it made me realize how much God has fucked me over with everything externally. No one knows how big of balls I had to grow to rock my ophelia cosplay, I feel somewhat like I insulted Kaya with it. And I continue to insult him because I'm cosplaying him again TWO MORE TIMES before this year is up! >___< I was going to cosplay Hizaki somewhere along the line but he is way too beautiful to be cosplay insulted by a plain black girl like me with boobs way too big. I wish I was skinny too. I know I were weight is concerned my lot could be alot worse but I want to be thinner than I am now, more importantly, I wish my boobs were smaller. I hate that there are alot of things I cant wear or cosplays I cant do because of it.
Those are external though and really there isn't anything I can do about it. But internally, well that's a different matter. People, my peers, my friends, tell me I'm a good person. That I'm not a terrible cosplayer or a terrible friend. I want so badly to believe them. I want to know what they see when they look at me. I wish I could be more confident with myself, be able to love myself flaws in all. I hate that I am so shy and (I'm ashamed to admit it) that I'm STILL afraid of people. This is going to sound really retarded but I feel most confident, really, when I'm in my ophelia cosplay. I can, somehow, feel Kaya's inner beauty and confidence rub off on me. I wish I could have that 24/7/365.
For whatever reason, God saw fit to make me a big boobed black girl. There is nothing I can do about that but the person I wish I could be, within my limitations, is someone with confidence. Someone who isn't so shy, someone who can talk to people and not always be worried about making a fool of myself. I want to be as beautiful inside as people say I am.
Yours Jasmine
Really, in a nutshell, I wish I could be white. Or at least lighter in complection. Among other things this past AUSA made me realize, it made me realize how much God has fucked me over with everything externally. No one knows how big of balls I had to grow to rock my ophelia cosplay, I feel somewhat like I insulted Kaya with it. And I continue to insult him because I'm cosplaying him again TWO MORE TIMES before this year is up! >___< I was going to cosplay Hizaki somewhere along the line but he is way too beautiful to be cosplay insulted by a plain black girl like me with boobs way too big. I wish I was skinny too. I know I were weight is concerned my lot could be alot worse but I want to be thinner than I am now, more importantly, I wish my boobs were smaller. I hate that there are alot of things I cant wear or cosplays I cant do because of it.
Those are external though and really there isn't anything I can do about it. But internally, well that's a different matter. People, my peers, my friends, tell me I'm a good person. That I'm not a terrible cosplayer or a terrible friend. I want so badly to believe them. I want to know what they see when they look at me. I wish I could be more confident with myself, be able to love myself flaws in all. I hate that I am so shy and (I'm ashamed to admit it) that I'm STILL afraid of people. This is going to sound really retarded but I feel most confident, really, when I'm in my ophelia cosplay. I can, somehow, feel Kaya's inner beauty and confidence rub off on me. I wish I could have that 24/7/365.
For whatever reason, God saw fit to make me a big boobed black girl. There is nothing I can do about that but the person I wish I could be, within my limitations, is someone with confidence. Someone who isn't so shy, someone who can talk to people and not always be worried about making a fool of myself. I want to be as beautiful inside as people say I am.
Yours Jasmine