It's Only Half Past The Point of Oblivion (1/2)
Title: It's Only Half Past The Point of Oblivion
Author: DangerCW
Pairing,Character(s): Eventual Finn/Quinn, heavy Finn/Rachel, Quinn/Puck throughout. Minor appearances by Gleeks.
Rating: R. Seriously R. There's major character death, depression, alcoholism, and some rough/violent sex.
Word Count: 6,000
Spoilers: Up to 1.22, Journey.
Summary: He blames her for all of it, for his wife's death, his unhappiness and this new life. She just wants to save him from what he's becoming. Even if it kills her.
Author's Notes: Per usual, Kelsey beta'd this for me so blame the mistakes on her :)
Neither one of them want to be standing there on the side of the road, the flashing red and blue lights shining and reflecting off of both of them. He slips his arm around her shoulder and at first she tenses since he's not who she wants to be holding him. They just stand silently together and wait for an officer to come over to talk to them. They're going to have to explain why their significant other was in the car with the others and even standing there, they don't want to admit it. Rachel was suppose to be at rehearsal since Wednesdays were always the night she stays late to rehearse. He always picks up Katie from dance at eight and by ten; Rachel would be home as well. Puck's Wednesdays were supposed to be spent at his bowling league. Some of the guys from work had started a team and he had told Quinn that just because he couldn't bowl didn't mean he wasn't allowed to hang with the guys for a few hours every week. It was hard to argue against that and he had devoted his life to Quinn and Nathan. Yet now as both Finn and Quinn stood on the gravel, their eyes set on the crushed and crumpled metal in the street, they had to question just how devoted their spouses were. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Puck and Rachel had been lying for God knows how long about their Wednesday night and they had paid for it with their lives now.
The officer explained the accident wasn't Puck's fault, that the other driver had run the light and smashed into them. He told them the M.E. could tell it was blunt force trauma to the head and both Puck and Rachel most likely died instantly with little pain. A wave of guilt crashed over Quinn as she wished for a moment that he had felt pain, that he had sat in the driver's seat next to Rachel and suffered while he died. The tears started again and Finn hugged her tighter, his own heart breaking at the seams as his eyes continued to scan over the accident. Glass and car parts littered the street as police cars and ambulances surrounded the area. His mind struggled to stay focused and accept what was being told to him. His wife was not allowed to be dead. Katie's mom wasn't allowed to be dead. So instead of accepting this, any of it, he just held Quinn and listened to the man who had no answers and no help.
The officer called someone over and told him to drive the two home but those houses weren't their homes anymore. They still had to tell the kids, tell Nathan his father was gone, tell Katie her mother wasn't there anymore and start the journey of being single parents. It was becoming a drunken blur, images and scenes flashing as they climbed into cars, cried, climbed out of cars and knocked on doors. Finn's arms had yet to leave Quinn, supporting most of her body weight and pulling her along and up the brownstone steps. They knocked on the Lopez's door, just an action of their shock, for any other day they would merely push the door open and step in. The Latina opened the door, hair whipping into her face as the panic expression betrayed her true emotions. With one look at the blonde and brunette she knew and Finn was passing Quinn off, the small blonde wrapping her arms around the taller girl and hurling heavy sobs into her neck. Biting her lip, Santana closed her eyes, slipped her arms around Quinn's shoulders and let her own tears fall in silence as she held her best friend close. Finn stepped inside and around them, his eyes on the ground, his own body and mind numb. He registered the fourth set of pale white feet and could feel the air as Brittany rushed into him, colliding against him with her own cries. The four just stood in the hallway, crying and mourning the pain and loss of Rachel and Puck.
Quinn wasn't sure what she was feeling as she slipped into the bed next to Nathan, who had fallen asleep so peacefully. He had been a surprise but a pleasant one. At barely six, Quinn could already tell he would be the spitting image of his father. Even when he was so young, his jaw had taken on the same chiseled cut look like Puck, his skin was a pure creamy olive tone and even his lips were directly from his father. Nate's eyes though came directly from Quinn, though . She had wished they would have that gentle green tint like his father's but once he had come out after a grueling six hour labors, the only time she had seen anything as perfect was ten years ago when Beth had been born. Her sobs had ended earlier in the night but now tears just fell as she stroked her son's cheek. He barely stirred and that first night, Quinn cried herself to sleep.
Across the hall, Finn held Katie in his arms, rocking his sleeping baby. Four years old and without a mother. He just couldn't bring himself to feel anything more than sadness. He was angry and hurt that he had lost his wife, pissed and furious that she was cheating on him, but sadness overtook him. She didn't have a mother and Finn just knew he didn't know how to raise a daughter. Whenever she cried, he just heard noise but Rachel knew what type of cry it was, whether Katie was sad or hungry or angry. Despite the fact that she could express herself better than any other child, chalk that one up to Rachel Berry, she was still just a baby who needed her mother.
They had the funerals on Saturday. Finn, Quinn, Nathan and Katie had been living at the Lopez house since then. Santana had insisted, worried that neither Finn nor Quinn were in any state to parent their kids. Nathan missed two days of school but they managed to convince him to go to his soccer practice. Katie had demanded to be taken to dance so she could perfect a routine to honor her mother. That just made Finn cry more and more. The Gleeks had flown into New York, the gruesome details surrounding the death and the affair coming out to each of them but none mentioned in front of either widow. Mercedes had told Quinn that she and Kurt were taking a break from fashion and suggested they move in with her. Quinn could read into the true offer, the offer of the two of them being there to take care of Nathan, of her. Touched, she had of course said yes but in truth, Quinn was much more worried about Finn's well being than hers. Every day she cried and felt anger, hurt, pain and a full range of emotions but Finn just remained somber.
"I'm worried about Finn." She finally voiced the night before the funeral. Santana had crawled into the bed with her, Brittanyy on her other side.
"Why?" Santana questioned, her eyes finally coming to rest on Quinn.
"He doesn't talk or cry or feel anything. And I know he's bubbling up with anger. Be-because of the..of the--"
"The thing." Brittney cut in, offering up a small sad smile.
"Yeah."
"Did you have any idea?" Santana asked, treading the water. All Quinn had done was cry and hug Nathan, she hadn't actually talked about that awful truth. The truth that if Puck hadn't of gone and had an affair with Rachel, they would not have been in that car and they wouldn't be dead.
"No." She sniffed, not much feeling like going on round eighteen of tears.
And that was the end of it for the night. They next day, they awoke and prepared themselves for the funerals. There was a larger turnout than either spouse expected but then again the headlines had read, 'Broadway Actress Perishes In Crash With Best Friend.' so the majority was not supporters or well wishers but merely paparazzi trying to get the shot. It was a somber affair, with mentions of what family people they were, how focused and determined to provide the best. Quinn couldn't help but notice the way Finn clenched his fist each time they spoke of what a faithful and loving woman Rachel was and would just reach over and cover his larger hand with her smaller one. He never pulled away from the simple touch.
They buried them next to each other, a decision that Finn had made, shocking everyone. Quinn wasn't sure how she felt about it though, her husband buried next to the mistress he had died with. Since finding out, she had pieced the puzzle together slowly and had come to the conclusion this wasn't the first time and the affair had been carrying on for some time. Puck was the one that insist they moved out to the suburbs of New York down the street from the Hudson home. He never missed a play when Rachel asked and they had all been so close, she thought nothing of it when the two hugged and it lingered.
Most of the guests left afterwards, since there was to be no wake or gathering and instead the Gleeks came together in Brittany and Santana’s living room. Nate and Katie ran around playing with Tina and Artie's son David. Everyone kept coming over and shaking their hands, telling them how sorry they were and how much they wished things had not played out like they had. Neither of the new widows said anything but the affair played heavily in their minds. Santana's decided it was up to her to keep the two of them together and not breakdown at the wake so she kept ushering guests away when either looked like it was getting too much.
As Quinn watched Santana, she couldn't help but see the maternal instinct come out in her. She and Finn were like her wounded cubs and she was warding off the intruders. She was grateful, she knew Finn was too but the entire time anyone talked to him, his eyes remained set elsewhere and Quinn knew his mind was playing the movie reel of his life with Rachel. It wasn't as if she wasn't a grieving widow as well, she was just indifferent. Either Finn had forgiven his wife's indiscretions or he wasn't angry. Quinn was neither. Had she expected the sixteen year old Puck to stray? Yeah. Had she expected the twenty-seven year old family man to cheat? Hell no, and the blonde was nowhere near forgiveness.
Santana let out a heavy sigh as she slide into the seat next to Quinn, her hand going to the other woman's back, "How are you doing?"
"Great." She replied sarcastically rolling her eyes. Finn stood suddenly and excused himself, slipping away from the gathered party.
"He's going to come back smelling like whiskey." Santana added. Quinn didn't bother responding but just nodded in agreement. He had left twice already and the lingering smell of the liquor accompanied him back each time.
As the mourners slowly trickled out, a few of the former Gleeks remained. Artie and Tina had been the first to leave with David. Matt and Mike had a flight to catch but told both Quinn and Finn to call if they needed anything at all. Mercedes and Santana were in a heated discussion over who Quinn and Nathan would move in but the blonde didn't bother focusing on them. Finn had been off in a corner and Katie was tugging at his arm, wanting to play. He waved her off, replying ‘no’ over and over. The motherly instincts in Quinn tingled when Katie dropped her arm and stuck her bottom lip out. Sweeping over, she reached down and lifted Katie up into her arms.
"Hey Little One." Quinn said forcing a smile as she looked down at the little brunette. "Why don't you go get Aunt Santana and Aunt Mercedes to get you some cookies and get a bath ready. We're gonna have a sleepover here again."
"But I don't want too." Katie whined, the bottom lip quivering, "I want to go home to Mommy. Daddy, where's Mommy?"
Finn just stared down at his daughter for a moment before he broke, heaving sobs wrecking over his body. It caught the attention of the remaining guests and instantly Katie was swept from Quinn's arms, Nate ushered off with Brittany, and Quinn was left alone with Finn. She slid into the seat next to him, pulling him down into her chest, biting at her lip while her silent tears fell. The man just sat and wept into the blonde, her arms bring barely any comfort.
In the days following the funeral, in some sort of unspoken agreement, they had moved from Santana and Brittany's into Finn and Rachel's house. Katie had been demanding to go home, even though she knew Rachel wasn't there. She wanted her bed. Quinn didn't mind, since she was sure had she returned to her house, everything would be left broken or destroyed. Nate had no problems not going home. He had a full grasp that his dad was gone but he was also smart enough to realize how hurt his mother was. Instead of being sad, Nathan had decided to be strong for his mother. Kurt and Mercedes had also moved into the spacious house temporarily. They had taken turns picking up and dropping the kids off for school, dance, soccer and every other activity in between.
The only one who didn't seem to be coping with any of it was Finn. He had returned to work, teaching social studies at the local public school but his heart wasn't in it anymore. New York City had been all Rachel. Finn didn't mind though, he wanted to see Rachel's dream come true. And it had. She landed various roles on Broadway, sometimes in smaller productions but her big break had come when she landed the role of Wendla Bergman in Spring Awakening. It led to more and more roles and Finn didn't mind sitting in the passenger seat. But Rachel wasn't here anymore and New York City wasn't the place where Finn lived his happy ever after anymore. It was more of a nightmare. The nights played out the same. Finn would get home, say hi and shut himself off in the den. Kurt offered to talk to him one night but both Quinn and Mercedes had both shut him down. Katie was getting tired of not having her father around and her entire bedtime routine was messed up. The adults had tried everything but the four year old diva had made it clear that all she wanted was her father.
There was no real way to console Finn about the loss of Rachel. He'd been in love with her since he was sixteen and here he was eleven years later, widowed and a single father. It wasn't as if Quinn wasn't in the same boat but she seemed to be moving on with her life. Finn on the other hand, he had taken up the habit of picking up a bottle of tequila on the way home from work, downing half the bottle after dinner and then stumbling up the stairs towards his bedroom and collapsed on the floor of Rachel's closet. He had become the man who stayed up late at night drinking, talking to his dead wife. A part of Finn was glad that his conversations normally started with him just telling her about Katie's life and how much he missed her. He feared when he was actually drunk enough to discuss the affair that she had been carrying on with his best friend. Quinn had noticed his absence in the evening and after putting the kids to bed, she followed him up the stairs one night and leaned on the door frame, watching him intently and feeling her own heart break for him. He had no clue who he was without Rachel.
"Finn." She called gently to him, her hand covering her heart, "What are you doing?"
"I'm getting drunk and talking to Rachel." He whispered somberly, his eyes staring at an invisible mark on the wall.
"Why?"
"Because if I can get drunk enough, she talks back to me."
Quinn's heart broke again as she watched the broken shell that once held a man. He missed Rachel so much more than she had thought and he was no closer to moving on than she was.
"Come here." She called to him.
"No."
Quinn sighed and stepped into the closet, crossing her legs and taking a seat next to him, taking the bottle from him, "Finn, you can't be that guy."
"Why not?" He asked, slumping slightly, his head resting on her shoulder.
"Because your daughter needs you. Because Nathan needs you. Because I need you." She whispered, her hand coming up to cup his cheek and she rested her own head on top of his. "I know that you miss her. I miss Puck but she's not really talking to you. It's just your imagination."
"It's not. She's with me and she talks to me."
"What about Katie?"
"She's better off with you. I can't take care of her."
Quinn sighed and just turned kissing the top of his head, "Okay Finn, okay."
Finn's drinking slowly got better but his resentment grew. If he wasn't drunk, he wasn't numb and he had to deal with the fact that Rachel had cheated on him. Neither one of them knew the details of the affair or how long it had carried on and they weren't looking into it as much. Katie seemed happier now that Finn was around and when Finn offered to take Nate to baseball on nights he wasn't wasted, it eased the hurt for him too. The only one who hadn't been eased was Quinn. It had been a month since the accident and within the four weeks, she had moved out of her house and in with Finn and into his bed. They weren't sleeping together but she needed a body next to her when she slept. Santana had the night off and wanted the kids for the night, which Quinn reluctantly agreed too. She had a sinking suspicion that the Latina lawyer was toying with the idea of children with Brittanyy again. Kurt and Mercedes had to fly back to San Francisco after some fashion disaster but promised to return soon. For the first time since their spouses’ death, Finn and Quinn had been left alone.
When Finn stumbled into the bedroom, the aroma of tequila let Quinn knew he had slipped up and drank. Sitting up in bed, Quinn looked at him and sighed.
"This is your fault." He mumbled, pointing a finger at her as he swayed uneasy on his feet.
"Excuse me?" She questioned, sliding off the bed to stand with her arms crossed.
"My wife being dead is your fault. Your ass of a husband killed her."
He was much drunker than he had been most nights and with a sigh, the blonde rubbed her temple, "Go to bed Finn."
"No!"
And then he advanced on her, slow at first, desperate to find his footing but soon enough, he was inches from her. The bitter smell on his breath made Quinn cringe but his invasion of her space was what had shook her. He was too close. And his eyes, while red, held nothing but coldness and anger. Just looking at him, she knew what was coming.
Moments later, Finn had grasped her cheeks between his hands and pulled her into a rough kiss. Everything screamed in her with what was wrong with the kiss. Finn's lips were less full than Puck's, his hands much too large and the height uncomfortable. Despite all this, Quinn's arms slipped around his waist and she returned the kiss. They were stumbling backwards when she felt her knees hit the bed and Finn fell on top of her.
He wanted to stop. She wasn't Rachel and it wasn't right but he needed it. Quinn was returning each of his actions with as much pain and roughness as he was giving it. This wasn't love or something between friends. It was angry hate sex, a punishment for what the other’s husband or wife had done. Finn didn't bother to be kind or gentle, but pulled back to rip at Quinn's shirt and slide off her bottoms. She tugged his shirt over his head and fumbled around with his belt and jeans. They were naked within seconds.
Finn didn't wait for any permission from Quinn before he grabbed her thigh, spreading her legs and forcing himself inside of her roughly. The cry of pain was satisfaction for Finn. She returned the favor by digging her nails into his back, basking in his wince. It wasn't slow or soft. Finn pushed into her again and again, his anger and pain that had been building for weeks finally finding its release.
"Look at me." He growled at her. Whimpering, Quinn forced her eyes up and gazed up into the scowl. There was something flickering in the back of his eyes and Quinn didn't want to lose it. His thrusts grew faster and she could feel her stomach tightening before it hit her in the same moment she felt Finn come inside her. The pace slowed, both of them gasping and panting, covered in sweat and Quinn could feel a dull pain growing between her things.
Finn pulled out and rolled off of her, onto his side of the bed but said nothing. Reaching over, he flicked off the light. Quinn rolled onto her side, clutching the sheets to cover her body, tears of shame and guilt coming as she sniffed. Everything was wrong with what they just did. Everything about Finn was wrong.
She jumped when she felt the bed shift as Finn rolled into her back. His arm lay over her waist, pulling her back into him. Finn leaned over and kissed her cheek. Quinn didn't miss the wetness of his tears against her skin.
They didn't bother discussing the sex but it happened again, several more times. Each time, Finn was drunk, blamed her and then fucked her. After, he'd pull her to him, whisper his apologies and hold her through the night.
Quinn knew it was wrong of her, a dangerous game that adults with so many responsibilities should not be playing. She never bothered verbalizing any of her hatred to Finn but just let him have his way. Each time Finn was in her, she could finally feel the full force of the damage Puck had done to her. Finn never imagined Quinn to be Rachel but whenever he slept with her, he visualized the pain it would cause Rachel and brought him a moment of satisfaction.
Finn too realized the consequences of what they were doing. He wasn't in love with Quinn but he was becoming emotionally attached to her. She got up every morning, cooked breakfast for his daughter, dressed his daughter and took care of his daughter. In some sick twisted way, she was more of a mother than Rachel had been but Finn knew that was because naturally Quinn was a mother and Rachel was learning to be one. He had always been the one to give the primary care to Katie. And now it was Quinn doing it, because he was in no shape to do it himself. These thoughts constantly flooded Finn's mind during his school day and he knew he needed to do something to show Quinn he did care.
Getting home that afternoon, Finn could hear the shouts from the kitchen and walked in, looking confused. Nate was sitting at the table with a small block of wood in front of him and Quinn over his shoulder. Katie rushed over, wrapping herself around his leg and he smiled down at the little girl for a moment before looking back to the other two.
"What's going on?" He asked, loosening the tie from his neck. Quinn glared up at him and rolled her eyes, shaking her head all the while.
"Mom's trying to tell me what to do with my racer and she has no idea!" Nate said angrily. Finn had scooped Katie into his arms and stepped closer, looking down at Nate's face and feeling déjà vu. He remember being five with his first Cub Scout Soap Box Racer, his mother over his shoulder telling him how to do it and how he felt knowing she didn't know how. It was a thing that a father was supposed to do.
"I'll help you." Finn said sitting down at the table, Katie bouncing on his lap. Nate wiped his eyes with the back of his eyes and looked up, a smile tugging at his lips.
"Really?"
"Yeah, we'll do if after dinner." Finn looked up to Quinn and smiled as she mouthed thank you.
The temporary happy remained for two more weeks. Finn had helped build Nate's racer and even took him to the race, cheering him on with Quinn and Katie there too. Things had changed between the two as well. There was a lighter ease between them and Finn was focused more on the kids than his drinking for the first time in awhile. Santana was rather impressed with him getting his shit together on his own as well. With the two of them friendlier they were both just living in one house, so after a lengthy discussion with Santana, Quinn had agreed to sell her house. It sold rather fast and everyone chipped in to pack the house up. Puck's stuff was to be donated and since Quinn just couldn't do it, Finn offered to pack up the closet. At first, he was tempted to just rip all the clothes off their hangers and burn them but his anger settled and instead he just threw shirt after shirt into a box and got settled into cleaning out the closet. At the very bottom, hidden under piles of old jeans, Finn pulled out a manila envelope and studied it carefully, curious as to what it was. Opening the flap, he reached in and pulled out the papers, setting them on the envelope and scanned through them. It took him all of thirty seconds to realize Puck had drawn up divorce papers. Flipping through them , Finn noted how Puck had asked for nothing and offered a hefty sum for spousal and child support. Just looking at the papers, Finn knew that the dead man's intentions had been to prove something to Rachel, as if to say he would give it all up for her. Licking his lips, he also realized that Quinn had no clue of the existence of such papers. He hesitated for a moment before grasping the sides of the stack of papers and ripping. He repeated the actions a few times then stuffed the pieces into the trash bag, tying it up and taking it out right away.
Finn had taken the kids out for the afternoon to some festival going on in Central Park. Quinn had been feeling sick for the last week and had a slow sinking suspicion that it wasn't the flu or some bug but something a little more long term. About nine months long. Tapping her foot impatiently, she kept glancing over to the stick on the counter and waiting for the three minutes to pass thinking, of what she would do if that stupid thing showed her a plus sign again. The last thing she wanted was another child, especially when there was no doubt in her mind that Finn was actually the father this time. Plus there was a real possibility that Finn had no desire to have another child if Rachel wasn't the mother. Yes, they had fallen into some place where fake happy was happening but neither of them actually really liked each other at the moment.
Picking up the pregnancy test, Quinn shut her eyes tight, said a quick prayer and then opened them looking down at the stick.
"Shit."
She didn't even know why she bothered wasting her money and time on the pregnancy tests. She knew she was pregnant the second the smell of sausage made her want to puke and when Finn's arm had grazed by her breast on accident it hurt like a bitch. Hearing the door open, Quinn threw the test into the trashcan and composed herself before walking out of the room to greet the kids. Seeing the scowl on Finn's face, she wondered if he too had figured out what was going on but instead he just turned and made his way to the liquor cabinet. Quinn didn't ask what had happened nor did she really care to know. All it meant was the Finn she'd grown accustom to having around was gone and the drunk asshole was back.
The night progressed on and she had pressed the kids for some details as to what had happened. Katie told her that some lady came up and started talking about Mommy and from there, Quinn put it together that the mere mention of Rachel was what setting him off. Hell, it was barely over two months ago, what was she expecting from Finn? It was hypocritical of her to even think about how Finn should be acting, since she hadn't dealt with Puck's death or cheating all that much yet either. She let him be, letting him drink and stew in his anger or whatever it was. The pregnancy wasn't exactly weighing on her mind or she wasn’t too bothered by Finn's knowledge of it. Quinn had figured she could probably get into her fourth month or so before Finn really figured any of it out.
After Quinn had bought the kids to bed, she checked the liquor cabinet and noted how not one but two bottles of whiskey were gone from it. Finn always had his spots that he liked to go whenever he got drunk or sad and the number one place seemed to be in Rachel's closet and so she hiked up the stairs, tip-toeing past the kids rooms to the room Finn and Quinn were sharing. When he wasn't there, the blonde paused and looked around and frown at the mess on the floor. It was clearly the work of Finn, pulling a sweater or shirt down and just holding onto it. She reached over and picked a few of them up, folding them and returning them to their place. Quinn didn't mean to find the box tucked away in the back of Rachel's closet, buried under piles of argyle but when she saw the words "Noah" scribbled on the side, her curiosity got the best of her. Slowly pulling the box out, Quinn's eyes flickered to the door before pulling the box open. A gasp escaped from her throat at the sight below her. Hundreds of cards and letters, pictures and flower petals. It was a collective memory box of her husband. Fingers trembling, the blonde lifted card, after card, letter after letter. Each was filled with memories and jokes coupled with love declarations. She honestly thought she was going to be sick. Swearing it was the last one, the blonde plucked one more from the box, pink in color with swirly letters. It was from Valentine's Day four years back. "Rachel," just the way he had written her name. Quinn could hear her dead husband's voice, "Another Valentine's Day, another night we aren't together. I know you love Finn and you know I love Quinn but baby, we're sort of something more. I can't believe you’re pregnant. I mean, I get pregnancy. Quinn was pregnant but Rach, this is you. This is our baby. I can't believe it. We'll celebrate another night. All my love forever, Noah." The card fell from her hands and Quinn rushed towards the toilet, this time becoming physically ill.
Wiping her mouth on the back of her hand, the tears still streaming down her face, Quinn paused and thought of what she should do. As if the betrayal of marriage wasn't enough, what if what those letters contained were true. Rachel had lied to Finn about Katie as well. Suddenly, the child she was carrying herself no longer seemed so insignificant and her anger returned. Not anger at Puck for fathering another child with his best's friend's wife this time, but at Rachel for lying to Finn. She was there back when they were ignorant sixteen year olds and she was there to witness and heartbreak across Finn's face at the truth. This time, that truth would shatter him to pieces. Instead of going to find him, Quinn just changed and crawled into bed. Sleep wasn't coming so instead she just lay awake and waited for him to come in. As always, the whiskey was his calling card. When he climbed on top of her, she just lay there, didn't bother wincing or gasping but let him do what he needed and shut her eyes as waves of quiet tears rolled from her eyelids.
The drinking just got worse again but still Quinn said nothing. He didn't even know the half of it and she didn't want him to ever know. Katie, as Quinn studied her in detail, was definitely the genetic offspring of Puck and Rachel. It wasn't until Quinn tucked her in one night and looked into her eyes. Her big eyes were the perfect shade of dark brown, matching Rachel's almost identically except, there were distinct flecks of green, identical to Puck's and Nathan's. Guilt ripped at her stomach in the form of pregnancy nausea and after kissing the little one good night, she ran off to the bathroom to throw up once more. Stepping from the bathroom, her eyes went wide at the sight of Finn. A part of the pregnant blonde assumed she had been found out but instead her eyes fell to the bottle of whiskey that the taller man clutched as if it were a lifesaver.
"You." He spat out, the venom mixed with the whiskey caused a second up heaving of her stomach but instead she remained rooted in her spot. "All of this is your damn fault. It's all your fault my wife is dead!" His screams weren't as scary as his clenched fists. And the fact he's inches from her. "It's your fault Puck couldn't keep it in his pants and it's your fault my daughter doesn't have a mother." She sighed, closed her eyes and waited. He'd finish screaming at her with his whiskey coated breath and she'd tell him then. "I'm taking Katie and I'm leaving! I never want to see you again!"
Quinn could scream and shout back him, she had perfected it over the years but how could she blame him? Now, more than ever before, Finn needed someone to protect him and despite what he was saying to her, about her and her family, Quinn knew it was her job to fix the mess in front of him.
"You can't do that Finn." She whispered quietly, setting a hand on his chest.
"I can do whatever the fuck I want." He snapped back, enjoying her reaction of wincing.
"You can't do that because I'm pregnant and we both know it's not Puck's." Her voice was shaking and it brought Finn from his drunken stupor back down to Earth. "This is your baby Finn."
Author: DangerCW
Pairing,Character(s): Eventual Finn/Quinn, heavy Finn/Rachel, Quinn/Puck throughout. Minor appearances by Gleeks.
Rating: R. Seriously R. There's major character death, depression, alcoholism, and some rough/violent sex.
Word Count: 6,000
Spoilers: Up to 1.22, Journey.
Summary: He blames her for all of it, for his wife's death, his unhappiness and this new life. She just wants to save him from what he's becoming. Even if it kills her.
Author's Notes: Per usual, Kelsey beta'd this for me so blame the mistakes on her :)
Neither one of them want to be standing there on the side of the road, the flashing red and blue lights shining and reflecting off of both of them. He slips his arm around her shoulder and at first she tenses since he's not who she wants to be holding him. They just stand silently together and wait for an officer to come over to talk to them. They're going to have to explain why their significant other was in the car with the others and even standing there, they don't want to admit it. Rachel was suppose to be at rehearsal since Wednesdays were always the night she stays late to rehearse. He always picks up Katie from dance at eight and by ten; Rachel would be home as well. Puck's Wednesdays were supposed to be spent at his bowling league. Some of the guys from work had started a team and he had told Quinn that just because he couldn't bowl didn't mean he wasn't allowed to hang with the guys for a few hours every week. It was hard to argue against that and he had devoted his life to Quinn and Nathan. Yet now as both Finn and Quinn stood on the gravel, their eyes set on the crushed and crumpled metal in the street, they had to question just how devoted their spouses were. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Puck and Rachel had been lying for God knows how long about their Wednesday night and they had paid for it with their lives now.
The officer explained the accident wasn't Puck's fault, that the other driver had run the light and smashed into them. He told them the M.E. could tell it was blunt force trauma to the head and both Puck and Rachel most likely died instantly with little pain. A wave of guilt crashed over Quinn as she wished for a moment that he had felt pain, that he had sat in the driver's seat next to Rachel and suffered while he died. The tears started again and Finn hugged her tighter, his own heart breaking at the seams as his eyes continued to scan over the accident. Glass and car parts littered the street as police cars and ambulances surrounded the area. His mind struggled to stay focused and accept what was being told to him. His wife was not allowed to be dead. Katie's mom wasn't allowed to be dead. So instead of accepting this, any of it, he just held Quinn and listened to the man who had no answers and no help.
The officer called someone over and told him to drive the two home but those houses weren't their homes anymore. They still had to tell the kids, tell Nathan his father was gone, tell Katie her mother wasn't there anymore and start the journey of being single parents. It was becoming a drunken blur, images and scenes flashing as they climbed into cars, cried, climbed out of cars and knocked on doors. Finn's arms had yet to leave Quinn, supporting most of her body weight and pulling her along and up the brownstone steps. They knocked on the Lopez's door, just an action of their shock, for any other day they would merely push the door open and step in. The Latina opened the door, hair whipping into her face as the panic expression betrayed her true emotions. With one look at the blonde and brunette she knew and Finn was passing Quinn off, the small blonde wrapping her arms around the taller girl and hurling heavy sobs into her neck. Biting her lip, Santana closed her eyes, slipped her arms around Quinn's shoulders and let her own tears fall in silence as she held her best friend close. Finn stepped inside and around them, his eyes on the ground, his own body and mind numb. He registered the fourth set of pale white feet and could feel the air as Brittany rushed into him, colliding against him with her own cries. The four just stood in the hallway, crying and mourning the pain and loss of Rachel and Puck.
Quinn wasn't sure what she was feeling as she slipped into the bed next to Nathan, who had fallen asleep so peacefully. He had been a surprise but a pleasant one. At barely six, Quinn could already tell he would be the spitting image of his father. Even when he was so young, his jaw had taken on the same chiseled cut look like Puck, his skin was a pure creamy olive tone and even his lips were directly from his father. Nate's eyes though came directly from Quinn, though . She had wished they would have that gentle green tint like his father's but once he had come out after a grueling six hour labors, the only time she had seen anything as perfect was ten years ago when Beth had been born. Her sobs had ended earlier in the night but now tears just fell as she stroked her son's cheek. He barely stirred and that first night, Quinn cried herself to sleep.
Across the hall, Finn held Katie in his arms, rocking his sleeping baby. Four years old and without a mother. He just couldn't bring himself to feel anything more than sadness. He was angry and hurt that he had lost his wife, pissed and furious that she was cheating on him, but sadness overtook him. She didn't have a mother and Finn just knew he didn't know how to raise a daughter. Whenever she cried, he just heard noise but Rachel knew what type of cry it was, whether Katie was sad or hungry or angry. Despite the fact that she could express herself better than any other child, chalk that one up to Rachel Berry, she was still just a baby who needed her mother.
They had the funerals on Saturday. Finn, Quinn, Nathan and Katie had been living at the Lopez house since then. Santana had insisted, worried that neither Finn nor Quinn were in any state to parent their kids. Nathan missed two days of school but they managed to convince him to go to his soccer practice. Katie had demanded to be taken to dance so she could perfect a routine to honor her mother. That just made Finn cry more and more. The Gleeks had flown into New York, the gruesome details surrounding the death and the affair coming out to each of them but none mentioned in front of either widow. Mercedes had told Quinn that she and Kurt were taking a break from fashion and suggested they move in with her. Quinn could read into the true offer, the offer of the two of them being there to take care of Nathan, of her. Touched, she had of course said yes but in truth, Quinn was much more worried about Finn's well being than hers. Every day she cried and felt anger, hurt, pain and a full range of emotions but Finn just remained somber.
"I'm worried about Finn." She finally voiced the night before the funeral. Santana had crawled into the bed with her, Brittanyy on her other side.
"Why?" Santana questioned, her eyes finally coming to rest on Quinn.
"He doesn't talk or cry or feel anything. And I know he's bubbling up with anger. Be-because of the..of the--"
"The thing." Brittney cut in, offering up a small sad smile.
"Yeah."
"Did you have any idea?" Santana asked, treading the water. All Quinn had done was cry and hug Nathan, she hadn't actually talked about that awful truth. The truth that if Puck hadn't of gone and had an affair with Rachel, they would not have been in that car and they wouldn't be dead.
"No." She sniffed, not much feeling like going on round eighteen of tears.
And that was the end of it for the night. They next day, they awoke and prepared themselves for the funerals. There was a larger turnout than either spouse expected but then again the headlines had read, 'Broadway Actress Perishes In Crash With Best Friend.' so the majority was not supporters or well wishers but merely paparazzi trying to get the shot. It was a somber affair, with mentions of what family people they were, how focused and determined to provide the best. Quinn couldn't help but notice the way Finn clenched his fist each time they spoke of what a faithful and loving woman Rachel was and would just reach over and cover his larger hand with her smaller one. He never pulled away from the simple touch.
They buried them next to each other, a decision that Finn had made, shocking everyone. Quinn wasn't sure how she felt about it though, her husband buried next to the mistress he had died with. Since finding out, she had pieced the puzzle together slowly and had come to the conclusion this wasn't the first time and the affair had been carrying on for some time. Puck was the one that insist they moved out to the suburbs of New York down the street from the Hudson home. He never missed a play when Rachel asked and they had all been so close, she thought nothing of it when the two hugged and it lingered.
Most of the guests left afterwards, since there was to be no wake or gathering and instead the Gleeks came together in Brittany and Santana’s living room. Nate and Katie ran around playing with Tina and Artie's son David. Everyone kept coming over and shaking their hands, telling them how sorry they were and how much they wished things had not played out like they had. Neither of the new widows said anything but the affair played heavily in their minds. Santana's decided it was up to her to keep the two of them together and not breakdown at the wake so she kept ushering guests away when either looked like it was getting too much.
As Quinn watched Santana, she couldn't help but see the maternal instinct come out in her. She and Finn were like her wounded cubs and she was warding off the intruders. She was grateful, she knew Finn was too but the entire time anyone talked to him, his eyes remained set elsewhere and Quinn knew his mind was playing the movie reel of his life with Rachel. It wasn't as if she wasn't a grieving widow as well, she was just indifferent. Either Finn had forgiven his wife's indiscretions or he wasn't angry. Quinn was neither. Had she expected the sixteen year old Puck to stray? Yeah. Had she expected the twenty-seven year old family man to cheat? Hell no, and the blonde was nowhere near forgiveness.
Santana let out a heavy sigh as she slide into the seat next to Quinn, her hand going to the other woman's back, "How are you doing?"
"Great." She replied sarcastically rolling her eyes. Finn stood suddenly and excused himself, slipping away from the gathered party.
"He's going to come back smelling like whiskey." Santana added. Quinn didn't bother responding but just nodded in agreement. He had left twice already and the lingering smell of the liquor accompanied him back each time.
As the mourners slowly trickled out, a few of the former Gleeks remained. Artie and Tina had been the first to leave with David. Matt and Mike had a flight to catch but told both Quinn and Finn to call if they needed anything at all. Mercedes and Santana were in a heated discussion over who Quinn and Nathan would move in but the blonde didn't bother focusing on them. Finn had been off in a corner and Katie was tugging at his arm, wanting to play. He waved her off, replying ‘no’ over and over. The motherly instincts in Quinn tingled when Katie dropped her arm and stuck her bottom lip out. Sweeping over, she reached down and lifted Katie up into her arms.
"Hey Little One." Quinn said forcing a smile as she looked down at the little brunette. "Why don't you go get Aunt Santana and Aunt Mercedes to get you some cookies and get a bath ready. We're gonna have a sleepover here again."
"But I don't want too." Katie whined, the bottom lip quivering, "I want to go home to Mommy. Daddy, where's Mommy?"
Finn just stared down at his daughter for a moment before he broke, heaving sobs wrecking over his body. It caught the attention of the remaining guests and instantly Katie was swept from Quinn's arms, Nate ushered off with Brittany, and Quinn was left alone with Finn. She slid into the seat next to him, pulling him down into her chest, biting at her lip while her silent tears fell. The man just sat and wept into the blonde, her arms bring barely any comfort.
In the days following the funeral, in some sort of unspoken agreement, they had moved from Santana and Brittany's into Finn and Rachel's house. Katie had been demanding to go home, even though she knew Rachel wasn't there. She wanted her bed. Quinn didn't mind, since she was sure had she returned to her house, everything would be left broken or destroyed. Nate had no problems not going home. He had a full grasp that his dad was gone but he was also smart enough to realize how hurt his mother was. Instead of being sad, Nathan had decided to be strong for his mother. Kurt and Mercedes had also moved into the spacious house temporarily. They had taken turns picking up and dropping the kids off for school, dance, soccer and every other activity in between.
The only one who didn't seem to be coping with any of it was Finn. He had returned to work, teaching social studies at the local public school but his heart wasn't in it anymore. New York City had been all Rachel. Finn didn't mind though, he wanted to see Rachel's dream come true. And it had. She landed various roles on Broadway, sometimes in smaller productions but her big break had come when she landed the role of Wendla Bergman in Spring Awakening. It led to more and more roles and Finn didn't mind sitting in the passenger seat. But Rachel wasn't here anymore and New York City wasn't the place where Finn lived his happy ever after anymore. It was more of a nightmare. The nights played out the same. Finn would get home, say hi and shut himself off in the den. Kurt offered to talk to him one night but both Quinn and Mercedes had both shut him down. Katie was getting tired of not having her father around and her entire bedtime routine was messed up. The adults had tried everything but the four year old diva had made it clear that all she wanted was her father.
There was no real way to console Finn about the loss of Rachel. He'd been in love with her since he was sixteen and here he was eleven years later, widowed and a single father. It wasn't as if Quinn wasn't in the same boat but she seemed to be moving on with her life. Finn on the other hand, he had taken up the habit of picking up a bottle of tequila on the way home from work, downing half the bottle after dinner and then stumbling up the stairs towards his bedroom and collapsed on the floor of Rachel's closet. He had become the man who stayed up late at night drinking, talking to his dead wife. A part of Finn was glad that his conversations normally started with him just telling her about Katie's life and how much he missed her. He feared when he was actually drunk enough to discuss the affair that she had been carrying on with his best friend. Quinn had noticed his absence in the evening and after putting the kids to bed, she followed him up the stairs one night and leaned on the door frame, watching him intently and feeling her own heart break for him. He had no clue who he was without Rachel.
"Finn." She called gently to him, her hand covering her heart, "What are you doing?"
"I'm getting drunk and talking to Rachel." He whispered somberly, his eyes staring at an invisible mark on the wall.
"Why?"
"Because if I can get drunk enough, she talks back to me."
Quinn's heart broke again as she watched the broken shell that once held a man. He missed Rachel so much more than she had thought and he was no closer to moving on than she was.
"Come here." She called to him.
"No."
Quinn sighed and stepped into the closet, crossing her legs and taking a seat next to him, taking the bottle from him, "Finn, you can't be that guy."
"Why not?" He asked, slumping slightly, his head resting on her shoulder.
"Because your daughter needs you. Because Nathan needs you. Because I need you." She whispered, her hand coming up to cup his cheek and she rested her own head on top of his. "I know that you miss her. I miss Puck but she's not really talking to you. It's just your imagination."
"It's not. She's with me and she talks to me."
"What about Katie?"
"She's better off with you. I can't take care of her."
Quinn sighed and just turned kissing the top of his head, "Okay Finn, okay."
Finn's drinking slowly got better but his resentment grew. If he wasn't drunk, he wasn't numb and he had to deal with the fact that Rachel had cheated on him. Neither one of them knew the details of the affair or how long it had carried on and they weren't looking into it as much. Katie seemed happier now that Finn was around and when Finn offered to take Nate to baseball on nights he wasn't wasted, it eased the hurt for him too. The only one who hadn't been eased was Quinn. It had been a month since the accident and within the four weeks, she had moved out of her house and in with Finn and into his bed. They weren't sleeping together but she needed a body next to her when she slept. Santana had the night off and wanted the kids for the night, which Quinn reluctantly agreed too. She had a sinking suspicion that the Latina lawyer was toying with the idea of children with Brittanyy again. Kurt and Mercedes had to fly back to San Francisco after some fashion disaster but promised to return soon. For the first time since their spouses’ death, Finn and Quinn had been left alone.
When Finn stumbled into the bedroom, the aroma of tequila let Quinn knew he had slipped up and drank. Sitting up in bed, Quinn looked at him and sighed.
"This is your fault." He mumbled, pointing a finger at her as he swayed uneasy on his feet.
"Excuse me?" She questioned, sliding off the bed to stand with her arms crossed.
"My wife being dead is your fault. Your ass of a husband killed her."
He was much drunker than he had been most nights and with a sigh, the blonde rubbed her temple, "Go to bed Finn."
"No!"
And then he advanced on her, slow at first, desperate to find his footing but soon enough, he was inches from her. The bitter smell on his breath made Quinn cringe but his invasion of her space was what had shook her. He was too close. And his eyes, while red, held nothing but coldness and anger. Just looking at him, she knew what was coming.
Moments later, Finn had grasped her cheeks between his hands and pulled her into a rough kiss. Everything screamed in her with what was wrong with the kiss. Finn's lips were less full than Puck's, his hands much too large and the height uncomfortable. Despite all this, Quinn's arms slipped around his waist and she returned the kiss. They were stumbling backwards when she felt her knees hit the bed and Finn fell on top of her.
He wanted to stop. She wasn't Rachel and it wasn't right but he needed it. Quinn was returning each of his actions with as much pain and roughness as he was giving it. This wasn't love or something between friends. It was angry hate sex, a punishment for what the other’s husband or wife had done. Finn didn't bother to be kind or gentle, but pulled back to rip at Quinn's shirt and slide off her bottoms. She tugged his shirt over his head and fumbled around with his belt and jeans. They were naked within seconds.
Finn didn't wait for any permission from Quinn before he grabbed her thigh, spreading her legs and forcing himself inside of her roughly. The cry of pain was satisfaction for Finn. She returned the favor by digging her nails into his back, basking in his wince. It wasn't slow or soft. Finn pushed into her again and again, his anger and pain that had been building for weeks finally finding its release.
"Look at me." He growled at her. Whimpering, Quinn forced her eyes up and gazed up into the scowl. There was something flickering in the back of his eyes and Quinn didn't want to lose it. His thrusts grew faster and she could feel her stomach tightening before it hit her in the same moment she felt Finn come inside her. The pace slowed, both of them gasping and panting, covered in sweat and Quinn could feel a dull pain growing between her things.
Finn pulled out and rolled off of her, onto his side of the bed but said nothing. Reaching over, he flicked off the light. Quinn rolled onto her side, clutching the sheets to cover her body, tears of shame and guilt coming as she sniffed. Everything was wrong with what they just did. Everything about Finn was wrong.
She jumped when she felt the bed shift as Finn rolled into her back. His arm lay over her waist, pulling her back into him. Finn leaned over and kissed her cheek. Quinn didn't miss the wetness of his tears against her skin.
They didn't bother discussing the sex but it happened again, several more times. Each time, Finn was drunk, blamed her and then fucked her. After, he'd pull her to him, whisper his apologies and hold her through the night.
Quinn knew it was wrong of her, a dangerous game that adults with so many responsibilities should not be playing. She never bothered verbalizing any of her hatred to Finn but just let him have his way. Each time Finn was in her, she could finally feel the full force of the damage Puck had done to her. Finn never imagined Quinn to be Rachel but whenever he slept with her, he visualized the pain it would cause Rachel and brought him a moment of satisfaction.
Finn too realized the consequences of what they were doing. He wasn't in love with Quinn but he was becoming emotionally attached to her. She got up every morning, cooked breakfast for his daughter, dressed his daughter and took care of his daughter. In some sick twisted way, she was more of a mother than Rachel had been but Finn knew that was because naturally Quinn was a mother and Rachel was learning to be one. He had always been the one to give the primary care to Katie. And now it was Quinn doing it, because he was in no shape to do it himself. These thoughts constantly flooded Finn's mind during his school day and he knew he needed to do something to show Quinn he did care.
Getting home that afternoon, Finn could hear the shouts from the kitchen and walked in, looking confused. Nate was sitting at the table with a small block of wood in front of him and Quinn over his shoulder. Katie rushed over, wrapping herself around his leg and he smiled down at the little girl for a moment before looking back to the other two.
"What's going on?" He asked, loosening the tie from his neck. Quinn glared up at him and rolled her eyes, shaking her head all the while.
"Mom's trying to tell me what to do with my racer and she has no idea!" Nate said angrily. Finn had scooped Katie into his arms and stepped closer, looking down at Nate's face and feeling déjà vu. He remember being five with his first Cub Scout Soap Box Racer, his mother over his shoulder telling him how to do it and how he felt knowing she didn't know how. It was a thing that a father was supposed to do.
"I'll help you." Finn said sitting down at the table, Katie bouncing on his lap. Nate wiped his eyes with the back of his eyes and looked up, a smile tugging at his lips.
"Really?"
"Yeah, we'll do if after dinner." Finn looked up to Quinn and smiled as she mouthed thank you.
The temporary happy remained for two more weeks. Finn had helped build Nate's racer and even took him to the race, cheering him on with Quinn and Katie there too. Things had changed between the two as well. There was a lighter ease between them and Finn was focused more on the kids than his drinking for the first time in awhile. Santana was rather impressed with him getting his shit together on his own as well. With the two of them friendlier they were both just living in one house, so after a lengthy discussion with Santana, Quinn had agreed to sell her house. It sold rather fast and everyone chipped in to pack the house up. Puck's stuff was to be donated and since Quinn just couldn't do it, Finn offered to pack up the closet. At first, he was tempted to just rip all the clothes off their hangers and burn them but his anger settled and instead he just threw shirt after shirt into a box and got settled into cleaning out the closet. At the very bottom, hidden under piles of old jeans, Finn pulled out a manila envelope and studied it carefully, curious as to what it was. Opening the flap, he reached in and pulled out the papers, setting them on the envelope and scanned through them. It took him all of thirty seconds to realize Puck had drawn up divorce papers. Flipping through them , Finn noted how Puck had asked for nothing and offered a hefty sum for spousal and child support. Just looking at the papers, Finn knew that the dead man's intentions had been to prove something to Rachel, as if to say he would give it all up for her. Licking his lips, he also realized that Quinn had no clue of the existence of such papers. He hesitated for a moment before grasping the sides of the stack of papers and ripping. He repeated the actions a few times then stuffed the pieces into the trash bag, tying it up and taking it out right away.
Finn had taken the kids out for the afternoon to some festival going on in Central Park. Quinn had been feeling sick for the last week and had a slow sinking suspicion that it wasn't the flu or some bug but something a little more long term. About nine months long. Tapping her foot impatiently, she kept glancing over to the stick on the counter and waiting for the three minutes to pass thinking, of what she would do if that stupid thing showed her a plus sign again. The last thing she wanted was another child, especially when there was no doubt in her mind that Finn was actually the father this time. Plus there was a real possibility that Finn had no desire to have another child if Rachel wasn't the mother. Yes, they had fallen into some place where fake happy was happening but neither of them actually really liked each other at the moment.
Picking up the pregnancy test, Quinn shut her eyes tight, said a quick prayer and then opened them looking down at the stick.
"Shit."
She didn't even know why she bothered wasting her money and time on the pregnancy tests. She knew she was pregnant the second the smell of sausage made her want to puke and when Finn's arm had grazed by her breast on accident it hurt like a bitch. Hearing the door open, Quinn threw the test into the trashcan and composed herself before walking out of the room to greet the kids. Seeing the scowl on Finn's face, she wondered if he too had figured out what was going on but instead he just turned and made his way to the liquor cabinet. Quinn didn't ask what had happened nor did she really care to know. All it meant was the Finn she'd grown accustom to having around was gone and the drunk asshole was back.
The night progressed on and she had pressed the kids for some details as to what had happened. Katie told her that some lady came up and started talking about Mommy and from there, Quinn put it together that the mere mention of Rachel was what setting him off. Hell, it was barely over two months ago, what was she expecting from Finn? It was hypocritical of her to even think about how Finn should be acting, since she hadn't dealt with Puck's death or cheating all that much yet either. She let him be, letting him drink and stew in his anger or whatever it was. The pregnancy wasn't exactly weighing on her mind or she wasn’t too bothered by Finn's knowledge of it. Quinn had figured she could probably get into her fourth month or so before Finn really figured any of it out.
After Quinn had bought the kids to bed, she checked the liquor cabinet and noted how not one but two bottles of whiskey were gone from it. Finn always had his spots that he liked to go whenever he got drunk or sad and the number one place seemed to be in Rachel's closet and so she hiked up the stairs, tip-toeing past the kids rooms to the room Finn and Quinn were sharing. When he wasn't there, the blonde paused and looked around and frown at the mess on the floor. It was clearly the work of Finn, pulling a sweater or shirt down and just holding onto it. She reached over and picked a few of them up, folding them and returning them to their place. Quinn didn't mean to find the box tucked away in the back of Rachel's closet, buried under piles of argyle but when she saw the words "Noah" scribbled on the side, her curiosity got the best of her. Slowly pulling the box out, Quinn's eyes flickered to the door before pulling the box open. A gasp escaped from her throat at the sight below her. Hundreds of cards and letters, pictures and flower petals. It was a collective memory box of her husband. Fingers trembling, the blonde lifted card, after card, letter after letter. Each was filled with memories and jokes coupled with love declarations. She honestly thought she was going to be sick. Swearing it was the last one, the blonde plucked one more from the box, pink in color with swirly letters. It was from Valentine's Day four years back. "Rachel," just the way he had written her name. Quinn could hear her dead husband's voice, "Another Valentine's Day, another night we aren't together. I know you love Finn and you know I love Quinn but baby, we're sort of something more. I can't believe you’re pregnant. I mean, I get pregnancy. Quinn was pregnant but Rach, this is you. This is our baby. I can't believe it. We'll celebrate another night. All my love forever, Noah." The card fell from her hands and Quinn rushed towards the toilet, this time becoming physically ill.
Wiping her mouth on the back of her hand, the tears still streaming down her face, Quinn paused and thought of what she should do. As if the betrayal of marriage wasn't enough, what if what those letters contained were true. Rachel had lied to Finn about Katie as well. Suddenly, the child she was carrying herself no longer seemed so insignificant and her anger returned. Not anger at Puck for fathering another child with his best's friend's wife this time, but at Rachel for lying to Finn. She was there back when they were ignorant sixteen year olds and she was there to witness and heartbreak across Finn's face at the truth. This time, that truth would shatter him to pieces. Instead of going to find him, Quinn just changed and crawled into bed. Sleep wasn't coming so instead she just lay awake and waited for him to come in. As always, the whiskey was his calling card. When he climbed on top of her, she just lay there, didn't bother wincing or gasping but let him do what he needed and shut her eyes as waves of quiet tears rolled from her eyelids.
The drinking just got worse again but still Quinn said nothing. He didn't even know the half of it and she didn't want him to ever know. Katie, as Quinn studied her in detail, was definitely the genetic offspring of Puck and Rachel. It wasn't until Quinn tucked her in one night and looked into her eyes. Her big eyes were the perfect shade of dark brown, matching Rachel's almost identically except, there were distinct flecks of green, identical to Puck's and Nathan's. Guilt ripped at her stomach in the form of pregnancy nausea and after kissing the little one good night, she ran off to the bathroom to throw up once more. Stepping from the bathroom, her eyes went wide at the sight of Finn. A part of the pregnant blonde assumed she had been found out but instead her eyes fell to the bottle of whiskey that the taller man clutched as if it were a lifesaver.
"You." He spat out, the venom mixed with the whiskey caused a second up heaving of her stomach but instead she remained rooted in her spot. "All of this is your damn fault. It's all your fault my wife is dead!" His screams weren't as scary as his clenched fists. And the fact he's inches from her. "It's your fault Puck couldn't keep it in his pants and it's your fault my daughter doesn't have a mother." She sighed, closed her eyes and waited. He'd finish screaming at her with his whiskey coated breath and she'd tell him then. "I'm taking Katie and I'm leaving! I never want to see you again!"
Quinn could scream and shout back him, she had perfected it over the years but how could she blame him? Now, more than ever before, Finn needed someone to protect him and despite what he was saying to her, about her and her family, Quinn knew it was her job to fix the mess in front of him.
"You can't do that Finn." She whispered quietly, setting a hand on his chest.
"I can do whatever the fuck I want." He snapped back, enjoying her reaction of wincing.
"You can't do that because I'm pregnant and we both know it's not Puck's." Her voice was shaking and it brought Finn from his drunken stupor back down to Earth. "This is your baby Finn."