(no subject)
I just reread all my posts on here from the last year and it's a strange mix of things. I don't write all that often and it's interesting the times I chose to write here instead of in my journal...I also see a lot of growth in my thought process and my life since I started school. My how my relationships in college have changed since first quarter. Now I'm one of the cool kids and clark is working for me better than I ever would have guessed and next quarter I'll get to be a manager. I continue to be surprised at how happy I can be in Vancouver. My troubles seem manageable at the moment, but still troubling. I have a week and a day until school is done and I'm free to frolic through summer, but at the same time that is my last week with two of my favorite culinary kids and I'm terrified that just like every other best friend I have made in a short amount of time, it'll be hard to keep close when we don't have a unifying activity anymore. The camping trip I just went on makes me feel better about it, but I'm still worried.
The other thing I realize is that I usually write here to say things I don't want everyone to know, but need to talk out with someone but feel awkward bringing up. Sooo it's that time again.
For the first time since maybe tenth grade, I have a substantial crush on a boy. He's considerate, cute, hilarious, shy, and doesn't seem to know how great he is and we get along really well. But I feel like we'll never date because I'm not his type and alot of the jokes we make are about him trying to get with really attractive women. At this point, I really just love being around him and getting that to happen more would be good enough for me, but it's interesting to re-experience what it's like to like-like someone after so long.
Another thing I'd like to get done is a sort of secret worry which is too uncomfortable to talk to anyone about is whether or not I'm missing out on something because of how I look. I'm also afraid to say this out loud because it brings the immediate assumption that I have some deep dark self esteem issues, which isn't really true. I like who I am but I'm not kidding myself because I'm around boys all day and I know how they look at girls and how that whole system works. I've had guy friends since I was in elementary school, but I think being at the art school where I was so accepted made it so I have a strong sense of self but being constantly around the often thoughtless shallowness of teenage boys can be unsettling. I just get worried sometimes that I won't find someone who sees me like I see me. It's funny how old insecurities never seems to really completely disappear.
I am always puzzled by how hard it is for me to admit things like that even to myself. They make me feel embarassingly weak and I always make excuses about how they're such trivial and fleeting thoughts, but they're still there whether I face it or not. Another one is how much I miss having someone like Kent and the amount I miss it is another thing I lie to myself about. I'm hoping that by identifying all this maybe I can solve it? Fat chance, but here's to hoping. Right now I'm going to count the blessings of all the great people in my life and remember that all I have to do to be happy is to accept and do my best to improve. It's easy and as difficult as that.
It's almost one, I still haven't showered or unpacked and I have school bright and early at seven with the first leg of an epic bake-off. I'm already not sure how I'm going to make it.
The other thing I realize is that I usually write here to say things I don't want everyone to know, but need to talk out with someone but feel awkward bringing up. Sooo it's that time again.
For the first time since maybe tenth grade, I have a substantial crush on a boy. He's considerate, cute, hilarious, shy, and doesn't seem to know how great he is and we get along really well. But I feel like we'll never date because I'm not his type and alot of the jokes we make are about him trying to get with really attractive women. At this point, I really just love being around him and getting that to happen more would be good enough for me, but it's interesting to re-experience what it's like to like-like someone after so long.
Another thing I'd like to get done is a sort of secret worry which is too uncomfortable to talk to anyone about is whether or not I'm missing out on something because of how I look. I'm also afraid to say this out loud because it brings the immediate assumption that I have some deep dark self esteem issues, which isn't really true. I like who I am but I'm not kidding myself because I'm around boys all day and I know how they look at girls and how that whole system works. I've had guy friends since I was in elementary school, but I think being at the art school where I was so accepted made it so I have a strong sense of self but being constantly around the often thoughtless shallowness of teenage boys can be unsettling. I just get worried sometimes that I won't find someone who sees me like I see me. It's funny how old insecurities never seems to really completely disappear.
I am always puzzled by how hard it is for me to admit things like that even to myself. They make me feel embarassingly weak and I always make excuses about how they're such trivial and fleeting thoughts, but they're still there whether I face it or not. Another one is how much I miss having someone like Kent and the amount I miss it is another thing I lie to myself about. I'm hoping that by identifying all this maybe I can solve it? Fat chance, but here's to hoping. Right now I'm going to count the blessings of all the great people in my life and remember that all I have to do to be happy is to accept and do my best to improve. It's easy and as difficult as that.
It's almost one, I still haven't showered or unpacked and I have school bright and early at seven with the first leg of an epic bake-off. I'm already not sure how I'm going to make it.