I Bet You Won't Even Read The Intro...
How much you wanna bet you'll even read this entry. Because I don't think you will. You might be reading these first few sentences. You might even continue on and read the first couple sentences after this intro. But I know you won't read the entire thing. *points down* 'Cuz to you it's all worthless. But there's so much more to me than I think anyone, than you, realize. And not reading these entries, the ones that are most important to me, the ones that at least attempt to make you understand, is why you don't realize it. Why you can't seem to understand. But maybe, just maybe, you should TRY.
The Entry:
I feel so horrible. And worthless. And crappy right now.
But I can't even cry anymore. I'm so empty inside. I can't even cry for more than like... 2 seconds anymore. And that's all I want to do. I just want to give someone a huge hug and cry into their shoulder for as long as I need and be reassured that everything will be okay. But I can't cry in front of people. I don't know why, I just can't really do it. I need to be REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY upset to cry in front of someone other than my sister. The only times I've really cried in school are last year during Bio when Amanda and qwALZ had to take me to the Lav because I was so upset, and a couple weeks ago in Chem when Shannon wrote me a note that was upsetting to respond to. So now, on top of that, I can't even cry normally.
And that's a major problem when all you feel like doing is falling into someone, bawling your eyes out and just confessing every tiny little thing that's bothering you and ever has bothered you.
Now I'm kinda lazy... because I would continue but it's the same as what I just said in response to Beth's LJ Entry so I'll just copy and paste what Beth Sar and I said...
Beth: I'm tired of being lazy and procrastinating and having no energy. I sit in the corner of my room for hours at a time, unable to move because I have no energy. I hate this. And the emptiness is like a cancer, devouring me bit by bit. I am dead inside.
I wish I could just curl up in my bed and sleep...
Me: ohh beth. that made me cry simply because i feel the same exact way. i know exactly how you feel. and no one should feel that way. i love you so much deary
it's like one part of me really just wishes i was alone in feeling this way... because no one should ever have to feel this horrible... but on the other hand... it's good to know i'm not alone.
Sara: i feel just like you darling. always here to chat. i'm just waiting for someone to fill my insides with something...maybe i can rent them for storage...
Beth: Exactly....have you ever read the book Prozac Nation? It's amazing, and it's so sadly comforting to know that there are other people who feel like this, even though you feel so alone no matter what...that you feel like a living corpse...
Sara: join me in the i'd just love to sit alone club. yeah. i know how you feel. even getting dressed feels like such an effort
Beth: just breathing feels like an effort...
Me: worrrrd.
and getting up in the morning is hell
because you know that all you want to do is lay in bed and not have to face all the shit that'll happen throughout the day. and you wish that you could've just fallen asleep and never woken up, because anything is better than anticipating, and then going through, all the feelings of worthlessness and crappiness and shit that you know you're going to have to deal with.
and in my case, knowing that you'll have to witness, every day, what makes you want to kill yourself so unfathomably bad that no one can possibly understand just to what extent you really are hurting and how badly you just want it all to end and not have to see anything, witness anything, hear anything that will only further rip you apart, and only further make you just want to end it all for good.
But I bet you paid absolutely no attention to any of that...
The Entry:
I feel so horrible. And worthless. And crappy right now.
But I can't even cry anymore. I'm so empty inside. I can't even cry for more than like... 2 seconds anymore. And that's all I want to do. I just want to give someone a huge hug and cry into their shoulder for as long as I need and be reassured that everything will be okay. But I can't cry in front of people. I don't know why, I just can't really do it. I need to be REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY upset to cry in front of someone other than my sister. The only times I've really cried in school are last year during Bio when Amanda and qwALZ had to take me to the Lav because I was so upset, and a couple weeks ago in Chem when Shannon wrote me a note that was upsetting to respond to. So now, on top of that, I can't even cry normally.
And that's a major problem when all you feel like doing is falling into someone, bawling your eyes out and just confessing every tiny little thing that's bothering you and ever has bothered you.
Now I'm kinda lazy... because I would continue but it's the same as what I just said in response to Beth's LJ Entry so I'll just copy and paste what Beth Sar and I said...
Beth: I'm tired of being lazy and procrastinating and having no energy. I sit in the corner of my room for hours at a time, unable to move because I have no energy. I hate this. And the emptiness is like a cancer, devouring me bit by bit. I am dead inside.
I wish I could just curl up in my bed and sleep...
Me: ohh beth. that made me cry simply because i feel the same exact way. i know exactly how you feel. and no one should feel that way. i love you so much deary
it's like one part of me really just wishes i was alone in feeling this way... because no one should ever have to feel this horrible... but on the other hand... it's good to know i'm not alone.
Sara: i feel just like you darling. always here to chat. i'm just waiting for someone to fill my insides with something...maybe i can rent them for storage...
Beth: Exactly....have you ever read the book Prozac Nation? It's amazing, and it's so sadly comforting to know that there are other people who feel like this, even though you feel so alone no matter what...that you feel like a living corpse...
Sara: join me in the i'd just love to sit alone club. yeah. i know how you feel. even getting dressed feels like such an effort
Beth: just breathing feels like an effort...
Me: worrrrd.
and getting up in the morning is hell
because you know that all you want to do is lay in bed and not have to face all the shit that'll happen throughout the day. and you wish that you could've just fallen asleep and never woken up, because anything is better than anticipating, and then going through, all the feelings of worthlessness and crappiness and shit that you know you're going to have to deal with.
and in my case, knowing that you'll have to witness, every day, what makes you want to kill yourself so unfathomably bad that no one can possibly understand just to what extent you really are hurting and how badly you just want it all to end and not have to see anything, witness anything, hear anything that will only further rip you apart, and only further make you just want to end it all for good.
But I bet you paid absolutely no attention to any of that...