032: in my heart, it's the five of us. [3/??]
[3: nobody said it was easy; no one ever said it would be this hard. ]
Once he reached the shoreside, Changmin felt all his earlier conflicted emotions dissolve.
It was probably the sound of the tide rushing in and out-a rhythmic sound, familiar and pure-so similar to his heart’s beat. He could hear it now, too, while he sat down in the sand with the water splashing up against his toes and feet, feel it like a slow, pulsing, throbbing ache against his chest. But he felt it now-in the wake of silence, save for the sound of waves dragging and pulling back under gravity’s whim-and it stung at his conscience more than ever.
Guilt.
Of course he hadn’t meant to snap like that before. But he felt guilty, nonetheless - for the way he acted, for the way he reacted, and for leaving without hearing out what Jaejoong had to say.
He knew Jaejoong especially didn’t deserve the harsh, angry words he had said (spoken out of instinct, out of fear, he didn’t know; but it was far too late to regret it now), not when he really did mean well in suggesting what he did. Another time, another day, Changmin might have been willing to go through with this.
But not today, not now. Not when they had come this far, together-and what Jaejoong was suggesting meant they wouldn’t be together anymore.
Changmin let his eyes fall shut, scrubbing at his face until the stinging pulse behind closed lids faded. He tucked his knees under his chin, cheek pressed to cool skin and shuddering breaths making him shiver despite the temperature outside.
He sat like that for what felt like forever, painting a picture of the waves’ motion in his mind’s eye-until a warm pair of arms wrapped around him from behind.
Of course, he didn’t even have to turn around to know who it was.
“Min-ah, I’m sorry.” Junsu’s voice was feather-soft against the nape of his neck. “I’m sorry- we’re sorry- I didn’t mean to make you so upset…”
“Then what did you expect me to feel?” Changmin shot back hoarsely, not daring to lift his head and look at Junsu. “What were you expecting me to say? Were you hoping I’d play along, just like that?”
“We were hoping you’d listen,” a new voice piped up as Junsu slowly let him go, footsteps stopping right next to them, “since we know exactly how you are about these things…we know you all too well, ‘Baby Changmin.’”
Changmin at last looked up to the other two men huddled around him.
Junsu’s red-rimmed, pleading gaze stared back at him, cool fingers grappling for Changmin’s in the sand until Junsu’s and Yoochun’s hands were both piled atop his. They seemed so tired, so resigned, and they kept trying to lace their fingers together with Changmin’s, squeezing the inside of his palms incessantly
It wasn’t until Changmin - finally - let their hands slip inside his that he felt it.
Maybe it was all the memories that came to him with the sound of Junsu letting out a quiet but still-lively bark of laughter (so familiar and childlike and pure) that made a strange feeling bubble up in his chest and made his throat dry at even the thought of losing them.
Maybe it was all the memories that came to him with the sight of Yoochun’s slight but ever-present smile (so familiar and open and warm) that made his heart ache so much at even the thought of separation.
Or maybe it was his conscience that made his shoulders shake (god, I’m so stupid; they’re putting their trust in me by telling me this; but you guys are just as scared as I am, aren’t you?), that made his eyes suddenly wet, that made him fall over with a choked sob and made him give into the two pairs of arms that wrapped around him protectively, holding him close as he cried, whispering words of reassurance were exchanged.
Maybe it was just the Saipan air, but Changmin realized then that this would be what he would miss most about the members he had come to love like family.
This was what they had brought up years ago when their career as Tohoshinki was beginning to kick off on a cloudy Sunday afternoon in their cramped apartment suite in Japan-injustices and inequities and freedom, things they couldn’t quite name but that knew the meaning of all too well-and what had been seemingly forgotten just as quickly.
This was what they all had to lose if they all agreed to do this, what they all had to unanimously agree to fight for-for their personal rights and group rights and human rights, for their health and financial stability and happiness-and what they all would have to sacrifice for in order to better their situation.
This was what Jaejoong and Yoochun and Junsu were willing to risk by going through with a lawsuit against their company-the life they chose, the life they came to know and accept, the life they now wanted to change but now had to fight with everything they had come to love in order to change it-and what they hoped Changmin and Yunho would be willing to risk, as well.
Everything they had come to love-the fans, the music, the hundreds of milestones they had made, all in the name TVXQ-were counting on them to get through this.
“Min-ah,” Junsu spoke his name a touch louder once the maknae had calmed down, Yoochun’s hand never letting go of Changmin’s even after the tears had at last stopped, “can you trust us and support us no matter what? That’s all we really want-Jaejoongie-hyung, too-”
“And, ’cause I know you’re thinking about it, even if it doesn’t work out,” Yoochun squeezed his hand tighter, getting them both ready for the possibility, “just-promise us you won’t forget how much we love you, okay? No matter what, that won’t change…”
They had to try to make it or else they would never see a change in the life they had built together.
Silence. Changmin swallowed back the feeling that was rising up from his chest all the way up to his throat. He let his eyes fall shut as his mind wandered into the realm of deep contemplation, feeling Junsu and Yoochun send him hopeful, expectant looks. At their feet, the waves rushed to meet them. In and out.
In and out; just like his heartbeat, reminding him of just how human they really were.
“Okay.” He opened his eyes to see the older two still sitting beside him and smiled-because it really felt okay now. “I promise. I won’t forget.”
(He never wanted to forget-
because this was his family now
and it was their happiness that was at stake, after all.)
[ To be continued... ]