It's who I am~
A friend told me I was a moral-less bitch, that I was the fakest thing ever she had met.
A friend told me he had odd priorities and I realized that I wasn’t on that list.
A friend told me that I wasn’t just an angst writer, I was an angsty person.
A friend told me she misses me so much because she’s alone in Toronto.
A friend told me that I was a drama queen, that I should be happy I have a roof over my head with a caring family and an opportunity for schooling.
I told a friend to go find her real self and a real group of friends that genuinely cared for her.
I told another friend that I hated him because he toyed with other people’s emotions, even when he was crying his eyes out to me after he broke up with his boyfriend.
I told a friend I didn’t want to celebrate anything for my birthday because I didn’t want to see them.
I told a friend I think I like guys, and she accepted it.
I told a friend I would await for his response silently, yet I couldn’t help myself but message him again and again, time after time.
I am fake. I am a bitch. I have no morals. I’m an awful friend who doesn’t give a shit.
These friends, both online and in real life, have been with me, some longer than others. But the duration of a friendship does not mean
Some of the friendships I’ve made on LJ have meant much more to me than some of the casual, real life friendships. To those people that might be reading this, I hope you know who you are, because if you don’t, then I really, truly failed at being a friend.
You know those times when you feel so helpless and confused that things become funny? Those times where you seriously see yourself crossing over to the point of insanity, or those times when you realize that no one truly understands you because you’ve been living two lives.
The problem, I can’t integrate the two lives and it feels like everything is crumbling apart. I can’t decipher which lifestyle to use at which time, and things fuck up.
A friend told my other friend that he thinks I was ignoring him, and my other friend told me that I was ignoring them both. I was just writing another chapter of In Debt.
A friend told me it’s not my fault that ‘this’ happened. But really, if I told my real friends, they would bitch at me and rip me apart. Figuring out ‘this’ shouldn’t be too hard.
I tell my BFF to shut up and go away because I was too emo to deal with happy stuff on my birthday, because my second identity was cracking. I felt like I was breaking.
Friends don’t tell me I’m a burden, an extra parcel of weight that they have to carry with. Off the top of my head, there are at least four of you from LJ that have to deal with me on their backs, because I have a short attention span and I need things to entertain me. Deep down, I know I’m a burden and I’m trying to change it.
Friends don’t tell me that I’m annoying, because sometimes I just won’t shut the fuck up about the bad things happening in my life. I know that
Friends don’t tell me I’m ugly, because they think I need more self confidence.
The sad thing about this? My real life friends won’t ever get the chance to read this and understand how much I appreciate them. I’m a bad friend. I don’t tell them all the random shit I’ve been writing, from smuts to angst.
At least I hope some of the LJ people I met can, and even if the feeling is not mutual, I just wanted to communicate that point across before I make more rational decisions.
Friends tell me I mood swing really REALLY bad, and this is one of the results from my moodiness. They tell me I’m emotionally unstable and unpredictable.
Because I feel like I don’t care e e e e, but yet, I still want to write the huge ass list of drabbles at the back of my mind. I think I need to stop mood swinging. I originally titled this “Final LJ Post” (yay for creativity!!)
I need to stop moodswinging. This will have a part two, because... well...
Life couldn’t get better~