double the shitty grunts and moans, or not so much
i work tonight... i dont know.. i have so much to say.. so many damned words... its almost like.. im going insane... within... myself.
i hate that feeling... all around you closes in... but its inside your head... ok, i was thinking of this last night, and i want to ask all of you... how can you lie to yourself, if, you really do know what the truth is anyways? did you ever notice how many people say i was lying to myself? i dont know... i was thinking of myself in past years, and realized how immature and... childish i was... it is a harsh realization to ponder...
another thing to talk about...
i heard switchfoot for the first time in about 4 years the other day...
switchfoot- christian band big with teens and jesus freaks
see, i used to be really truly involved with church... i loved it, the acceptance... the family elements.. i adored youth group with a bunch of my friends.. singing, praising...
oh, how naive i was... to think that...
through all
these people
had
my
back...
twas a fantasy... because it turned out to be a very bad dream...
i came out
free and true within myself...
i told a friend of my true identity...
a true jesus freak at heart
this friend spread the word to my pastor, pastor jason
and i was asked not to return
for my beliefs
were completely
contradictory
to theirs...
jesus and his quest for forgiveness failed me
who was he anyway?
a handsome man with a thorn of crowns?!
all this time, i sat and prayed
for his people to turn their backs
when i truly needed their kindness and understanding?
these people, whom i thought would be true to their religion
DENIED ME
for who could love a dyke?
for who could love a true identity?
i havent returned to that church since then... sometimes i wish i could go back.. sometimes, i wish i could pray like i used to... i just cant seem to pray whole-heartedly anymore
after all, it isnt jesus who denied me, it was his people
funny how that works out.....
i also saw passion of the christ... another tear jerker and reality generator.. haha
yes i still am playing my guitar and writing... currently working on a book... a book that will never fail me ;-)
the catcher in the rye is sooooo repetitive...
i think that us non-published authors seek some perfection in published works... i feel like i am looking at a mirror of my OWN work when i read that book, and i find it senseless to read because i am constantly bitched at for my writing as a whole... i think i am all over the place in this entry, forgive me
i wrote a song a bit ago, i must leaf through my papers and try to find the fucking things... perhaps it will be enjoyable...
hope this was entertaining, i would appreciate some thoughts, as always
still thinking
steph
i hate that feeling... all around you closes in... but its inside your head... ok, i was thinking of this last night, and i want to ask all of you... how can you lie to yourself, if, you really do know what the truth is anyways? did you ever notice how many people say i was lying to myself? i dont know... i was thinking of myself in past years, and realized how immature and... childish i was... it is a harsh realization to ponder...
another thing to talk about...
i heard switchfoot for the first time in about 4 years the other day...
switchfoot- christian band big with teens and jesus freaks
see, i used to be really truly involved with church... i loved it, the acceptance... the family elements.. i adored youth group with a bunch of my friends.. singing, praising...
oh, how naive i was... to think that...
through all
these people
had
my
back...
twas a fantasy... because it turned out to be a very bad dream...
i came out
free and true within myself...
i told a friend of my true identity...
a true jesus freak at heart
this friend spread the word to my pastor, pastor jason
and i was asked not to return
for my beliefs
were completely
contradictory
to theirs...
jesus and his quest for forgiveness failed me
who was he anyway?
a handsome man with a thorn of crowns?!
all this time, i sat and prayed
for his people to turn their backs
when i truly needed their kindness and understanding?
these people, whom i thought would be true to their religion
DENIED ME
for who could love a dyke?
for who could love a true identity?
i havent returned to that church since then... sometimes i wish i could go back.. sometimes, i wish i could pray like i used to... i just cant seem to pray whole-heartedly anymore
after all, it isnt jesus who denied me, it was his people
funny how that works out.....
i also saw passion of the christ... another tear jerker and reality generator.. haha
yes i still am playing my guitar and writing... currently working on a book... a book that will never fail me ;-)
the catcher in the rye is sooooo repetitive...
i think that us non-published authors seek some perfection in published works... i feel like i am looking at a mirror of my OWN work when i read that book, and i find it senseless to read because i am constantly bitched at for my writing as a whole... i think i am all over the place in this entry, forgive me
i wrote a song a bit ago, i must leaf through my papers and try to find the fucking things... perhaps it will be enjoyable...
hope this was entertaining, i would appreciate some thoughts, as always
still thinking
steph