Timing IS Everything
I don't think I am very happy with where I am with my life right now. I have no love, I have no time for love, and I don't know if I want to continue what I love.
But what I truly miss is having someone love me. Love me for who I am, and what I am going to be. Someone to love me for the overeater that I am, the cuddle bug that I am, the sleeper that I am, and the childish person I can be.
I want to feel comfortable with him, I want to feel his arms around me when I sleep, I want the surprising backwards hug, I want the tug to pull me closer to him, I want the smell of aftershave in the morning, I want the tickels of whiskers on my neck. All of this that I want, and I had last week.
I hate how much I really like him. I do, I like him alot. I know that there is a whole different life that he could introduce me into and teach me things. I don't know if they would be good things or bad, but I know that I could learn something from him. I just wish that things could work out, but I know that they can't, and they won't. Also I know that he's calling most of the shots. He hasn't come down here to see me, mainly because he doesn't have a car, I believe. Although last week he was all gun-ho about coming down here with Bobby to see me. But then again, that was before he got laid up at MMA.
Also, going up there is getting really expensive. I think I spend 40-100 bucks each time. Too bad I'm the one that always initiates it, and now I know he's going to dissapear for a couple of weeks. because that is what he does. So should I dissapear too? Letting him wonder where I am and what I'm doing? But does he care what I am doing? Like I do? I'm pathetic, I get jealous when I see pics of him with girls. Granted those girls are better looking than me, but still. I shouldn't. I have no right to. We aren't anything, just friends who have sex everytime we see each other. I know that I am in the end hurting myself. I know that this relationship isn't going to go anywhere, even though I really want it to.
But something that's scarey is I trust him. Maybe because I don't ask a lot of questions about things, but I know that if I wanted to, I could. And I do honestly think that he has at least some sort of crush on me. Even if it is just physical, either sexually or literally physical. He tells me time and again that I have an amazing body, and it makes me comfortable with him. I really am comfortable with him. Both in the naked sense and in the sense that I can "pop kiss" him and it's cool.
Damn it, I don't know.
But what I truly miss is having someone love me. Love me for who I am, and what I am going to be. Someone to love me for the overeater that I am, the cuddle bug that I am, the sleeper that I am, and the childish person I can be.
I want to feel comfortable with him, I want to feel his arms around me when I sleep, I want the surprising backwards hug, I want the tug to pull me closer to him, I want the smell of aftershave in the morning, I want the tickels of whiskers on my neck. All of this that I want, and I had last week.
I hate how much I really like him. I do, I like him alot. I know that there is a whole different life that he could introduce me into and teach me things. I don't know if they would be good things or bad, but I know that I could learn something from him. I just wish that things could work out, but I know that they can't, and they won't. Also I know that he's calling most of the shots. He hasn't come down here to see me, mainly because he doesn't have a car, I believe. Although last week he was all gun-ho about coming down here with Bobby to see me. But then again, that was before he got laid up at MMA.
Also, going up there is getting really expensive. I think I spend 40-100 bucks each time. Too bad I'm the one that always initiates it, and now I know he's going to dissapear for a couple of weeks. because that is what he does. So should I dissapear too? Letting him wonder where I am and what I'm doing? But does he care what I am doing? Like I do? I'm pathetic, I get jealous when I see pics of him with girls. Granted those girls are better looking than me, but still. I shouldn't. I have no right to. We aren't anything, just friends who have sex everytime we see each other. I know that I am in the end hurting myself. I know that this relationship isn't going to go anywhere, even though I really want it to.
But something that's scarey is I trust him. Maybe because I don't ask a lot of questions about things, but I know that if I wanted to, I could. And I do honestly think that he has at least some sort of crush on me. Even if it is just physical, either sexually or literally physical. He tells me time and again that I have an amazing body, and it makes me comfortable with him. I really am comfortable with him. Both in the naked sense and in the sense that I can "pop kiss" him and it's cool.
Damn it, I don't know.