(no subject)
Hmmmmm.....don't remember making that last entree.....but that's the way I like it....
I am soo fucking pooped right now. So tired, so drained... both emotionally and physically. I've been dancing like crazy today, which has really worn me out, and just looking at my planner and seeing the huge, crazy, hectic, cracked out schedule I have for the next 3 or 4 weeks makes me tired. Also emotionally, I'm exausted because my fucking father is complaining about the cost of colledge, which is reasonable and understandable, but he keeps on putting me down like: "you don't even know what stress is, you don't understand real life, money, etc"... I'm like: "Well Dad, I think I know what stress is: i've lived w/ it my whole life, and i think i know whart hard work is, I give 100% to everything I do; wether it's dance, school or work. Throughout my life, I have gone to school 7 hours a day, then went to dance classes for 5 hours after that, only to go home and do 5 hours of homework for all the honors classes I'm taking. I am a perfectionist in everytrhing I do, my motto is: "if you're gonna do something, you might as well do it well, in fact be the best at it".I have made A's all throughout my schooling, and not because I'm told or forced to, but because I am my own toughest critic. I work my butt off at everything I do, and you can be sure the money you'll putt into my education will be worth while because of that." He's just like: "mmmm-hmmm, don't even start, you don't even know, ya, sure, mmmm-hmmmm", and never even stopped to listin to me. All of the things I said are true, and a few people realize this. My father, particurally, has never understood me, or made any effort to, nor has he recognized any of my hard work. One of the most moving momments of my life was when at crysallis, he was asked among many of my friends and relatives to write me a letter. It was one of only like two times in my life that he ever said he loved me, and the only time that he's ever said he was proud of me for my grades and accomplishments. It was one of the most touching momments of my life. I started crying. To this day, if he ever says anything close to i love you, i'm completely shocked. He never goes to my recitals, competions, concerts, or performances. I just don't think he cares. And he certainally doesn't know how much I look up to and respect him. No one makes me cry more. After he said that, I just went up into my room and cried. Oh, well though. I don't do anything for the applause or recognition of the world or anyone in it. I work my butt off for me, because I think it's right. I will prove him wrong. And whether he recognizes it or not my education will be worth it because i'm gonna work my butt off and get a good job, be the best. And when it comes time that he's old and needs a nursing home, I will be able to afford for him to be in a nice, fancy ass place, and I'll take care of him. And maybe someday, i'll tell him how I feel and how much i look up to, respect, connect with, and love him. Whether he does or not, I love him.
I am soo fucking pooped right now. So tired, so drained... both emotionally and physically. I've been dancing like crazy today, which has really worn me out, and just looking at my planner and seeing the huge, crazy, hectic, cracked out schedule I have for the next 3 or 4 weeks makes me tired. Also emotionally, I'm exausted because my fucking father is complaining about the cost of colledge, which is reasonable and understandable, but he keeps on putting me down like: "you don't even know what stress is, you don't understand real life, money, etc"... I'm like: "Well Dad, I think I know what stress is: i've lived w/ it my whole life, and i think i know whart hard work is, I give 100% to everything I do; wether it's dance, school or work. Throughout my life, I have gone to school 7 hours a day, then went to dance classes for 5 hours after that, only to go home and do 5 hours of homework for all the honors classes I'm taking. I am a perfectionist in everytrhing I do, my motto is: "if you're gonna do something, you might as well do it well, in fact be the best at it".I have made A's all throughout my schooling, and not because I'm told or forced to, but because I am my own toughest critic. I work my butt off at everything I do, and you can be sure the money you'll putt into my education will be worth while because of that." He's just like: "mmmm-hmmm, don't even start, you don't even know, ya, sure, mmmm-hmmmm", and never even stopped to listin to me. All of the things I said are true, and a few people realize this. My father, particurally, has never understood me, or made any effort to, nor has he recognized any of my hard work. One of the most moving momments of my life was when at crysallis, he was asked among many of my friends and relatives to write me a letter. It was one of only like two times in my life that he ever said he loved me, and the only time that he's ever said he was proud of me for my grades and accomplishments. It was one of the most touching momments of my life. I started crying. To this day, if he ever says anything close to i love you, i'm completely shocked. He never goes to my recitals, competions, concerts, or performances. I just don't think he cares. And he certainally doesn't know how much I look up to and respect him. No one makes me cry more. After he said that, I just went up into my room and cried. Oh, well though. I don't do anything for the applause or recognition of the world or anyone in it. I work my butt off for me, because I think it's right. I will prove him wrong. And whether he recognizes it or not my education will be worth it because i'm gonna work my butt off and get a good job, be the best. And when it comes time that he's old and needs a nursing home, I will be able to afford for him to be in a nice, fancy ass place, and I'll take care of him. And maybe someday, i'll tell him how I feel and how much i look up to, respect, connect with, and love him. Whether he does or not, I love him.