It's just those rainy dayz
This journal entry, it says "event", like this is a day at the beach or something I'm writing about. Lately I've amazed myself, with how much I've been able to convince my own feelings to feel a certain way, rather than the way they WANT to feel. I can just be friends or whatever anybody wants to call it with Jeff and Joe. They are just the kind of friends I want, smart, oppinionated, nice to look at...but John. I can just be John's friend, but he's sayin we won't be able to chill once he goes back to school, but that doesn't make sense, cuase school is 30 min away at Tech. It's not like I want him to be my boyfriend, but I'm sick of makin these close friendships with great people, then losing them, that's not fair. Me and Rachael are becoming best friends, we're the perfect couple and she goes to WVU, and Lindsay, she's gone, Lay Lay I can't stand to see because she's leaving in less than a month, and now John. Its those intensely fun friendships that you fall in love with, that always abandon you first. Then there are those old friendships you wanna spark up again, because they were your friends, they are your history, maybe some shit went down, but whatever it was wasn't worth the friendship. But, sometimes those people don't want that friendship back, and I dont' know why I even do. Those relationship or friendships you have with people that you loved having, but didnt' really enjoy. That doesn't make sense...You adore the thought of that person or times you had together, but then you remember all the shit they did that really hurt you too.
When I get disciplined or punished by people that I'm close to or respect-ed I get upset rather than mad. I'm just hurt that talking to people for a few minutes in a seperate office rather than doing nothing in my own office could cost me fun for the rest of the summer here. Every place I've worked at has screwed me over and disrespected me, so I was expecting it at some point. All my friends here were on vacation, so why can't I talk to friends in the other building. My supervisor didn't defend me either. He just took what the other supervisor said so seriously and didn't give me any warning or leiniancy. That's what must hurt.
Some things people used to say, I thought, damn they are acting stupid or jus bein a pain, but now I see they were just making the mature realization. I thought some people would never change because of their environment, but the environment they kept putting themselves in did change them, kudos to those who noticed this early.
Dance is gonna suck this year, because I'm going to be busting my ass in the lower level class, the only 3 yr dance company member to be in the lower level, which is something everyone expected because of Ms. Legg's uneccessary animosity toward me. As president Ima go off so much, because it won't matter to me at all. I hate little preppy big mouthed, predictable white girls, I get to be leader of 18 of them in dance company...Jeez...
The shit that happened at the office just pushes me to be better, to make better grades, be more successful, I'm so nervous about everything in my future, but I'm too excited to let it hold me back. I think it's just like everything else. Every little thing about life, I've tried to really appreciate, but it makes the big things in life even bigger.
I can't tell Odie off either. When I'm not talking to him, I can think of a few nasty things to say, but then when he calls I don't go off on him, like I should. I wanna just tell him he is the same person he was a year ago, and that worked for me then, but today that's not kickin it, it's old. Just like him, old news.
Back to John- I feel like I've already lost one of the people God puts in your life to be ur buddy, ur love, ur partner.I think there are a few of these in one's life. Edwin was without a doubt the first one in my past, I dont' know who the second will be, or if I've already met him. ME and John are so comfortable together, we have so much in common and feel the exact same way about hiphop style and music, we fit, really well, physically and mentally. He's challenging mentally without being a cock in anyway. I can't explain the way I felt when he was playing with Baby and she was licking him, or when he was doing something as simple as making a turkey sandwich with food in my refrigerator.It was a personal comfort. I just dont' want to lose that. Not necessarily make any more of it than it is, but to keep things the way they are.
I'm not sure how mom's trip to mexico is going to affect me. I hope it allows me breathing and thinking space that will calm my nerves, but it might just be another absence in my life. Even if only temporarily. This was a lot of writing, but now I feel like I can live the day, maybe not conquer it, but at least live through it.
When I get disciplined or punished by people that I'm close to or respect-ed I get upset rather than mad. I'm just hurt that talking to people for a few minutes in a seperate office rather than doing nothing in my own office could cost me fun for the rest of the summer here. Every place I've worked at has screwed me over and disrespected me, so I was expecting it at some point. All my friends here were on vacation, so why can't I talk to friends in the other building. My supervisor didn't defend me either. He just took what the other supervisor said so seriously and didn't give me any warning or leiniancy. That's what must hurt.
Some things people used to say, I thought, damn they are acting stupid or jus bein a pain, but now I see they were just making the mature realization. I thought some people would never change because of their environment, but the environment they kept putting themselves in did change them, kudos to those who noticed this early.
Dance is gonna suck this year, because I'm going to be busting my ass in the lower level class, the only 3 yr dance company member to be in the lower level, which is something everyone expected because of Ms. Legg's uneccessary animosity toward me. As president Ima go off so much, because it won't matter to me at all. I hate little preppy big mouthed, predictable white girls, I get to be leader of 18 of them in dance company...Jeez...
The shit that happened at the office just pushes me to be better, to make better grades, be more successful, I'm so nervous about everything in my future, but I'm too excited to let it hold me back. I think it's just like everything else. Every little thing about life, I've tried to really appreciate, but it makes the big things in life even bigger.
I can't tell Odie off either. When I'm not talking to him, I can think of a few nasty things to say, but then when he calls I don't go off on him, like I should. I wanna just tell him he is the same person he was a year ago, and that worked for me then, but today that's not kickin it, it's old. Just like him, old news.
Back to John- I feel like I've already lost one of the people God puts in your life to be ur buddy, ur love, ur partner.I think there are a few of these in one's life. Edwin was without a doubt the first one in my past, I dont' know who the second will be, or if I've already met him. ME and John are so comfortable together, we have so much in common and feel the exact same way about hiphop style and music, we fit, really well, physically and mentally. He's challenging mentally without being a cock in anyway. I can't explain the way I felt when he was playing with Baby and she was licking him, or when he was doing something as simple as making a turkey sandwich with food in my refrigerator.It was a personal comfort. I just dont' want to lose that. Not necessarily make any more of it than it is, but to keep things the way they are.
I'm not sure how mom's trip to mexico is going to affect me. I hope it allows me breathing and thinking space that will calm my nerves, but it might just be another absence in my life. Even if only temporarily. This was a lot of writing, but now I feel like I can live the day, maybe not conquer it, but at least live through it.