hmmm
hmmm. i'm so bored. i feel tired in several ways right now. tired from just being so busy, tired of doing schoolwork, and in particular, tired of worrying about my friendships with people. i feel very much taken advantage of as a friend in a few of my relationships. some friends really only take time out of their day to hang out with me, etc., after they HAVE time. after noah died, i'd thought some friendships would just keep getting better, b/c many of us realized how fast a friend can just be gone. gone. just like that. but now i feel like that realization has once again vanished. some friendships i have found to be somewhat superficial--i can't tell when that person really means what they say. some friendships i feel like i've just allowed myself to become very jealous. i feel like i have to compete to keep these relationships. i feel like i have to work my ass off to keep some of them, because the other person puts no effort into at all whatsoever. some friends say "erin, we never hang out anymore." ok. and?? perhaps it's because i spent so much time trying to call that person or hang out with that person and then just ran out of energy b/c that person allowed me to do ALL of the work.
i'm making this sound like it's not my fault at all. i apologize greatly for that, b/c i realize that it takes 2 to make a friendship. i know i've had my faults. i know especially in these last few months that i may not have been the most easy person to deal with. however, it's hard for me when i feel all this pain inside from trying to be the strong person and trying to hold up friendships that i am continually beating myself up over.
hmmm.
lately i just keep thinking about college. COLLEGE. Lord, please make it come sooner!!! i so want to just go somewhere new. with new people. new places. new exciting things to see. new things to do. just a new life. i can't wait!!! crap. i'm still here for another year and a half. but i know i can make it, if i make the most of what i have. although i feel several of my friendships are struggling right now, i feel i have 3 friendships which have held through strong for a very long time. all year i've been able to depend on these 3 people, and i feel like they are very very mutual friendships. we both give and both take and both take care of eachother. they are so loyal and i am so thankful to have these people. i have no idea what i would do without them. i would be so lost. but i am so afraid for next year, because 2 of them graduate this year, and the other one's away at college already. i'm so afraid of being alone. will i be able to handle it???
i know ill be ok. please. i will be ok. i want to keep working to restore my diminishing friendships, but i feel that i can only do so much. i will continue to try. i just want to be happy and satisfied. if i were to die tomorrow, i want to die happy, knowing that i had wonderful friendships and an altogether awesome life. i have had an awesome life. my life is awesome and i love it. i've had wonderful friendships too, but right now i just want to look at it as a hard time for me, and eventually these friendships will be ok. perhaps i'm just overanalyzing, thinking too much, or this is just one of those bad times. but i don't like bad times!